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This thread was created on September 15, 2008
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Phoenix

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sylverdawn   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 5:56 am    Post subject: Phoenix Reply with quote

*This is my first attempt at adventure fiction, I usually write fantasy. So bear with me if it's

horrible. I'm trying to decide on a specific plot for the book I'm writing, I've posted several other plots in fantasy fiction. If you've read more then one tell me which you prefer please.*

Phoenix:

Chapter 1- Resurrection

He trudged across the winter landscape, his breath misting in front of him. Shivering he rubbed his arms before pressing his hands to the side wound. The white snow was stained red with blood, shards of glass littered the field, behind him, barely ten yards away, lay the blackened and blasted remains, of the terrorist's labs.

Somehow he couldn't stop himself from laughing. It started as chuckles, but soon turned into breathless laughter. He had done it, he'd cheated death again, he had danced with the devil and walked away all but unscathed.

Kal grunted as the spine of a book was smacked gently on top of his head. Blinking sleep out of his eyes he glanced up at his teacher Ms. Bridger. Her light brown hair was pulled into a pony tail, and her glasses slid down her nose, scowling she leaned down and glared at him. "Mr. Drake, so nice to see you've decided to join us here in the waking world."

As he brushed ink black hair out of his eyes he glanced around the room and saw the rest of the class trying to hide smiles, some even grinned openly as they eavesdropped. Blushing, he widened his eyes innocently, Kal knew many of the teachers found his purple-eyed gaze unnerving, his eyes were constantly changing shade, from a pale lavender, to a vibrant amethyst. "I wasn't sleeping Ms. Bridger, I swear. It's just easier for me to concentrate with my eyes closed."

"Really." The teacher raised her eyebrows in disbelief. "Then perhaps you can tell the class what were we just discussing."

He gave her his best smile, mind racing. "That's easy. We were discussing how the roman emperors would often send their sons to remote estates. Either to see the world, or so they wouldn't be a threat."

Ms. Bridger smiled back, and for a moment Kal thought he was out of the woods. Until she shut him down. "Nice try Mr. Drake. But this class is in advanced chemistry, not ancient history." She pointed towards the door. "This is the fifth time you were caught sleeping this week, I want you to go see the principal."

Kal sighed dejectedly and trudged out of the class room. The moment he was out of sight Kal dropped the act, whistling he tucked his hands in jean pockets and strode down the hallway. "The easiest way to cut class." He thought wryly. "Is to show up, and get kicked out."

For a moment his mind flickered to the dream, but he shoved it to the back of his mind. Turning Kal walked out the school door onto the crowded parking lot, the spring sun shone in a near cloudless sky. Stretching, he crossed the parking lot at a brisk walk, quick, but not quick enough to draw attention.

But someone did notice, Kal kept walking as he listened to the steps. They were tuned to his, walking at the same pace he was, the difference was almost unnoticeable. Instinct kicked in, Kal rolled his shoulders, loosening the muscles. He glanced down at himself, black denim jeans and a sleeveless, dark green top, there was a silver dragon design on the back. Good, the close wouldn't restrict him in a fight.

He came to the end of the parking lot and ducked behind an SUV and stopped, Kal heard a muffled curse behind him, and then the sound of hurried footsteps. Taking a deep breath he centered himself and whirled into a high kick, just as the person following him turned around the vehicle.

Recognizing him, Kal halted just before his leg connected with his old friend's head. The boy had short spiky white-blond hair, and bright green eyes. He was dressed in a white shirt, jeans, and a brown leather jacket. "Woah. I see peace hasn't dulled your edge Kal." He held up his hands in a gesture of surrender.

Kal scowled as he settled back on his feet. "What do you want Dane? How did you even find me?"

Shrugging, Dane stepped behind the car, out of sight. "Come on, I guy like you can't fall off the radar without someone looking for him. Let's just say our 'friends' sent me to find you. They want you to come back with me."

"You mean GSA wants me to rejoin." He said flatly.

Dane shook his head. "Be honest Kal, you never left. You deliberately disappeared."

"Because they never would have let me leave." Kal snarled. "They just would have kept using me."

"GSA only used you because you're the best. How many times have you saved the world?"

He flinched at the cutting questions. "I was a child, I'm still a child. Pardon me if I wanted a normal life!"

Dane watched, sympathy and a trace of pity in his green eyes. "Don't fool yourself Kal. You, me, the others, none of us can live normally. We've seen too much of the dark side of life. There's nothing normal about you. Graduated from top universities at the age of nine, black belts in multiple forms of martial arts, an expert gun man. Trained in survival skills and guerrilla warfare, you like the rush that comes with the danger. Admit it, you're actually bored to tears in this sleepy little town."

"Just because I'm bored Dane, doesn't mean that I'm prepared to run off and risk my life, I'm only sixteen years old." Kal snapped. "I may be addicted to danger but there are ways to deal with it."

"Please Kal, just come to the base and hear us out. That's all we're asking."

"Maybe if I make it obvious enough you'll get the point. Not only no. But hell no!" He swung a fist at Dane, out of habit, his weaker right fist. Dane grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back. "You're out of practice Kal, I'm sorry to have to do this."

"What are you talking about Dane!? You know I'll break you're grip and when I do...!?" Kal broke off as he felt the needle go into his neck, the world went black as he slipped into unconsciousness.

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Chirantha   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 2:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, let me see. This story looks good but in a way it was not understandable. I mean, you seem to swich your character into different forms like a student, warrior, rescuer, karate kid and etc. Well, that you'll have to make this more understandable.

Quote:
Shivering he rubbed his arms before pressing his hands to the side wound.

There should be comma after 'Shivering' and you can say 'the wound on his side'

Quote:
The white snow was stained red with blood, shards of glass littered the field, behind him, barely ten yards away, lay the blackened and blasted remains, of the terrorist's labs.

The first sentence should be a single sentence and the second one should again be another single sentence.

Quote:
Somehow he couldn't stop himself from laughing.

There should be a comma after 'Somehow'

Quote:
Recognizing him, Kal halted just before his leg connected with his old friend's head.

Okay, this seems too dramatic. If someone whirled around into a high kick, can he/she stop her kick mid-way. I don't think so.

Quote:
I guy like you can't fall off the radar without someone looking for him.

This should be 'Guys' not 'I guy'

Well, I liked it but, as I said before, you need to change the character to an understandable one.

Good luck. Wink

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x0xGilmore Girliex0x   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 8:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this. A lot.

It was, in my opinion at least, easy to understand, but a tad bit predictable. But that's okay.

I only found 3 grammatical errors, so here goes:
Quote:
Turning, Kal walked out the school door onto the crowded parking lot, the spring sun shone in a near cloudless sky.


Quote:
But someone did notice,; Kal kept walking as he listened to the steps.


Quote:
Good, the close clothes wouldn't restrict him in a fight


You should most definitely try to continue. That is, if you want. Very Happy Man, I can't get over how good all the writing on here is. It makes me feel inferior. But I like it. Great job!

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 10:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Shivering he rubbed his arms before pressing his hands to the side wound. The white snow was stained red with blood, shards of glass littered the field, behind him, barely ten yards away, lay the blackened and blasted remains, of the terrorist's labs. "


You tend to have run on sentences. Try putting in a few commas-it makes everything easier to read. There should be a period between the words blood and shards. Or you could say "The snow was stained red with blood, shards of glass littering the field. Behind him, barely ten yards away...."
The main problem with your grammar is definitely run on sentences.
And since you ask, I don't see anything at all wrong with this action story.
I've never read any of your other stories, but keep writing this one-I want to see what
happens!

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 2:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i think that everyone else has covered grammatical errors, but honestly i didn't even really notice the grammer mistakes. So i'm going to talk about the plot and story line.

First off, you start off well. You grab my attention right away. I like the imagery of the word "littered" it's well done. As soon as you get out off the dream though, you seem to switch characters. There is a gap between the dream Kal and the student/karate master/class cutter/secret agent Kal. You need to blur the lines between the two. After that my only qualm is that you never explain what the GSA stands for, and you don't characterize Dane very well. Flesh out his character, he seems pretty cool but I can't really tell.

Overall though, it was pretty good. It's a great beginning to an exciting adventure story, and I hope you keep posting these.
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