Topic ID: 36025
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listeningforthemuse
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 10 Aug 2008 Posts: 68 Reviews: 35
258 Points
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Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 1:58 am Post subject: Chasing the Wind |
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The wind whispers my name in the night.
I feel its gentle breath upon my skin,
as it glides o'er the floor, creeping in,
'Come, come' it murmurs in my ear,
Its airy words - too quickly - disappear.
My weightless limbs are not my own,
As, dreamlike, I am lead into the unknown.
The silver light spills from the moon,
I try to turn, but am held by the tune.
Of the wind in the trees,
singing softly to me.
'Follow, follow' it continues to sigh,
The stars watch as I chase the wind's echoing cry.
Over the mountain, past lonely hills,
I continue in vain, and emptiness fills.
Too lost to return, too close to give up,
and my foolishness; I know I can never live up,
Into the forest, away from the truth,
but in those few moments, away slips my youth.
Always going farther, but yet I'm never there,
and as the morning comes, my footprints disappear.
*************
This poem is a metaphor
Does anyone see it? |
_________________ "...she was a lovely lady, with a romantic mind and such a sweet mocking mouth..."
- 'Peter Pan' by J.M. Barrie |
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listeningforthemuse
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 10 Aug 2008 Posts: 68 Reviews: 35
258 Points
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Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 11:08 pm Post subject: |
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still no reviews
*sigh* |
_________________ "...she was a lovely lady, with a romantic mind and such a sweet mocking mouth..."
- 'Peter Pan' by J.M. Barrie |
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DreamyMoon
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 13 Sep 2008 Posts: 23 Reviews: 8 Country: England 238 Points
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Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 7:29 pm Post subject: |
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Its really good, and totally catches my interest in liek the first line =]
Is it about dreaming by anychance because thts the way i interperet it?
Not gunna comment on punctuation etc cos at the endof the day i think it talent tht counts and youv'e certainly got tht =]
xxx |
_________________ Why ruin a present happiness by a distant misery that may never even come at all? |
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lilchoma
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 17 Sep 2008 Posts: 49 Reviews: 24
300 Points
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Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 9:25 pm Post subject: |
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i really like it...it was alot of fun to read because the imagery was so vivid, you did a really nice job on your descriptions. i'm sorry I can't really take a guess at what it represents as a metaphor...i kind of suck at that type of stuff. Maybe you'd like to explain it to a genius like me? just kidding, you don't need to explain. other people probably get it, and its just me with the issue.
Anyways, i don't have many complaints, only one really. and this might also be just becuase im not very smart at times, but i don't really know. This line:
"...and my foolishness; I know I can never live up,"
yea, i guess i just absolutely didn't get this part. I dont know what tou can't live up to, and i don't know what you're foolishness has to do with anything.
but don't worry, that could just be me, and besides that i really really liked this poem, and it was a blast to read. thanks, and i hope to see more of your stuff around. |
_________________ "I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree...Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree" |
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RedWing
Junior Writer
 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 22 Sep 2007 Posts: 23 Reviews: 8
300 Points
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Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 1:59 pm Post subject: |
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wow i really liked it =]
sorry im not all that great at advice when it comes to poetry, but i enjoyed it. It didn't seem to really ever go off beat and it rhymed really well.
Great job!  |
_________________ <a href="http://dragcave.net/viewdragon/1SD7"><img src="http://dragcave.net/image/1SD7.gif" style="border-width: 0" alt="Adopt one today!"/></a> |
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chichi
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 04 Oct 2008 Posts: 62 Reviews: 57 Country: Australia 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:32 am Post subject: |
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Beautiful poem! I'm not sure about a metaphor, but does it mean that if you spend your whole life chasing something it may all be in vain? If so I could bring up just as many poems that say chasing your dreams is the best thing you can do.
It's amazing how well your rhymes flow. It can be so hard to get rhymes to sound... real. Not like you picked any word that rhymed with it and shoved it in like a puzzle piece you want to fit. These rhymes actually sound like they flow, which is a rare gift.
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'Come, come' it murmurs in my ear,
Its airy words - too quickly - disappear.
Always going farther, but yet I'm never there,
and as the morning comes, my footprints disappear. |
Uh oh! Repetitive words! Dun dun dun!!! Try not to repeat words, no matter what. Don't ask me what else will rhyme and flow (I'm no poet), but there has to be something else. Repetition isn't great, unless you mean it to, like repeating a line at the beginning of each stanza because it's the topic of your poem. Unfortunately this isn't one of those cases.
Nonetheless, probably the best poem I've read today! |
_________________ Smart signatures are all off Google. |
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Chirantha
The boy genius. Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 01 Jul 2008 Posts: 753 Reviews: 143 Country: Somewhere above or below ground 1671 Points
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Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 8:24 am Post subject: |
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My word, this....this is some poem. It's the best ever poem I've read. I'm sorry to have not understood the metaphor, but the phrases, oh, the words, so possesive, so divine, so, beautiful. I was reminded of the elves in the Lord of the Rings when I read this. I don't know why but it did. It was sooooo beautiful.
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My weightless limbs are not my own,
As, dreamlike, I am lead into the unknown.
The silver light spills from the moon,
I try to turn, but am held by the tune. |
I really like this part of the poem. I can imagine a person floating through a silver lighted forest, unaware of her surroundings. Great work.
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Too lost to return, too close to give up,
and my foolishness; I know I can never live up, |
I think it should be 'throught my foolishness' But it can be done otherwise also.
I think I said, I really like this poem. It's words and feelings were greatly writen. Very well done.
And good luck.  |
_________________ "ARE WE GOOD TO GO?" - Julius Root
"No need to shout, commander. These head sets could pick up a spider scratching in Madagascar" - Foaly
"And is there a spider scratching in madagascar?" -Julius Root |
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Tusker93
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 31 Aug 2008 Posts: 68 Reviews: 16 Country: Sheffield, UK 200 Points
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Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 3:40 pm Post subject: |
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I really, really liked this poem it's one of the best I've ever read! It all flowed and rhymed nicely and the words really kindled some nice imagery - favourite line "The silver light spills from the moon," Really liked that good choice of words.
Is the metaphor for someone chasing their dreams and 'losing their youth' before they can find it and the way the footprints 'dissapear' signifies how if you don't catch your dream your footprints are just covered up by time and it was as if you never existed to the rest of the world? We think that wind is impossible to catch which is why we've never chased it, but by the time we do it's too late. Am I right?That's what it made me think of...
If I'm wrong it'll be embarassing but hey at least I guessed right
Really good, submit this to a competition or something I'd be surprised if you didn't win something! |
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listeningforthemuse
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 10 Aug 2008 Posts: 68 Reviews: 35
258 Points
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Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 10:48 pm Post subject: |
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Wow
Thanks for the great feedback everybody!
Tusker93 was right; its a poem about how we spend our lives chasing meaningless things,
and before we know it, its too late.
And, as Tusker93 said,
"...if you don't catch your dream your footprints are just covered up by time and it was as if you never existed to the rest of the world."
As for everyone else, thanks for taking a stab at it - if you did - and I really appreciate the awesome reviews!
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_________________ "...she was a lovely lady, with a romantic mind and such a sweet mocking mouth..."
- 'Peter Pan' by J.M. Barrie |
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diffrence21
Novice

Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 20 Aug 2008 Posts: 8 Reviews: 3 Country: the great US of A 311 Points
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Posted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 1:43 am Post subject: |
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| beautimus, dahling! |
_________________ If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster. ~Isaac Asimov |
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XavierJohnson123
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 22 Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 44 Reviews: 20 Country: USA 259 Points
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Posted: Sun Nov 23, 2008 5:29 pm Post subject: Review |
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| Wow! I'm not sure what the metaphor was but I do know that the poem was deep. I thought that what you wrote was deep and meaningful and that it meant something. Maybe you could explain to me the metaphor and the ideal behind the poem? |
_________________ "Anything is Possible to the one who believes." |
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writeholic
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 29 Oct 2007 Posts: 36 Reviews: 20 Country: USA 204 Points
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Posted: Sun Nov 23, 2008 10:27 pm Post subject: |
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great poem.. I did get the metaphor. I loved it all the way through except the very last line. disappear doesn't seem strong enough, and it also breaks your rhythm. maybe try "my footprints were not there?" that is just my opinion great stuff!! |
_________________ "You start thinking anything is possible if you have enough nerve"- J.K Rowling |
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