Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

The Top 25!

Favorite part of writing?
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Once A Dream, Always A Nightmare
Once A Dream, Always A Nightmare

by niccy_v in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on September 14, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Alvalor 1.2
Alvalor 1.3
Alvalor 2.1
Alvalor 2.2
Alvalor 3.1
Alvalor: part two of chapter three
Alvalor (The rest of chapter three)

Alvalor

Topic ID: 36014
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Anna Graham   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

35
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 02 Aug 2008
Posts: 89
Reviews: 35
Country: "The undiscover'd country, from whose bourn no traveller returns"
349 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 10:27 pm    Post subject: Alvalor Reply with quote

The Stone Part 1

William Stone rushed into the dim cave, breathing hard. He gently put a hand up to the right side of his head and felt it throb painfully beneath his fingers. That’s gonna be quite a bruise, he thought miserably, crashing onto his favorite bean bag chair. A handful of little pieces of Styrofoam flew around his head like mosquitoes. The duct tape he had stuck over the hole was peeling off just enough to let its stuffing out in puffs.

Letting out his breath slowly, Will tried to relax. School earlier that day had not been a picnic.

♦ ♦ ♦

The day hadn’t begun much better than its current state. Will had forgotten his assignment for English, and in Science he was forced to sit through the most boring movie on volcanoes in the world. After wandering over to Gym with glazed eyes, he was rudely awakened by a surprise mile run. By the last period, he couldn’t think straight and wanted nothing more than to lay his head down on the desk and go to sleep.

“Hey!” Will felt someone jab his arm with a sharp finger. He didn’t have to raise his head from its spot on the cool desk to know it was Pickles, his best friend. “Did you get the answers for number ten and eleven?”

Will jerked his head up to look at his blonde friend, who sat in the desk next to him. “On what?” He rubbed his eyes with cold fingers.

Pickles gave him a pitying look. “You know, on the test review?—the climates of Utah?”

Will groaned. “Test review? Aw crap…” He grabbed his binder and leafed through the pile of papers inside. He pulled out an assignment and scanned through it. The only pencil markings on the page were his hastily scrawled name and period at the top.

“Dude,” Pickles shook his head, “you’re gonna be murdered by the test today.”

“There’s a test today?” Will winced.

“Duh,” Pickles rolled his eyes. “that’s why it’s called a test review. Dude, you got problems, man. Did you stay up all night again?”

Will nodded despondently. A tree had banged against the siding on his house in the wind hours into the night. He had spent most of that time reading instead.

“Oookay, everybody,” Will’s history teacher, Mr. Born, walked to the front of the class. He had a receding hairline, thick glasses, and a rather large nose. Mr. Born was a nice enough guy, but his voice was so monotonous, it often put people straight to sleep. He also had a horrible habit of saying ‘oookay?’ after every sentence. Will found it very distracting. He liked to keep a tally in the corner of his notes of how many times he heard it in one day.

Mr. Born pushed his glasses up on his nose with a finger and clapped his hands. “Hand in your reviews and pull out a pencil, oookay? It’s test time!” The class groaned. After passing out the tests, Mr. Born scanned the room. “Any questions?”

Pickles raised his hand. “Yeah, what’s the answer to number one?” Everyone laughed.

Mr. Born raised an eyebrow. “Very funny, Mr. Dille. Oookay, you may begin.”

Ten minutes later, Will handed in his test and sat down. He hadn’t recognized a single question, and finally decided it wouldn’t do him any good to stare at the paper for the next thirty minutes of class. Instead, he pulled out a thick, hardback book, leaned back in his chair, and flipped it open to where he last left off.

The rest of the class finished the test quickly, leaving them time to chat before the end of the class. “Hey, Will,” Pickles leaned over. “What did you put for number nineteen?”

“Your mom,” Will mumbled. He flicked his worn bookmark against the desk absentmindedly.

Pickles rolled his eyes. He leaned to the other side and repeated his question to Brittani Kinghorn, who sat next to him.

She played with a string of her black hair, biting her lip. “Was that the one about the amount of rainfall in the desert?”

Will looked up from his book, watching Pickles and Brittani talk easily about the test, then homework, then finally their families. Pickles said something with a crooked smile, and Brittani laughed.

With a strange feeling in his stomach, Will wished he could talk as smoothly as his best friend. Pickles always seemed to know the right things to say. Will just ended up embarrassing himself. He was pretty sure he held the record for the most awkward silences in a conversation.

Without warning, Brittani looked at Will. Noticing he had been staring, Will flushed and turned back to his book. “Like Will for instance,” Brittani smiled, “I think only children are the luckiest people in the world. Isn’t it nicer to have a quiet house, Will? With no little kids running around and putting tape on the cat?”

“Well,” Will tried to think of something clever to say, “it can get a little too quiet at times.” He played nervously with his book, flicking the pages back and forth.

“That’s what I’m for, eh bud?” Pickles grinned, elbowing him in the arm.

“Yeah, guess so.” Will stared at the scratched surface of his desk to try to think of some way to continue the conversation, but his mind was blank. Finally, he turned back to his book, and Pickles and Brittani continued to talk without him.

It hadn’t always been so hard to talk to Brittani—Will made himself stop thinking. That area was just too confusing.

♦ ♦ ♦

Rolaf smirked up at his masterpiece, rubbing his chalky hands on his dusty, beer-stained jeans. It was perfect. The cement wall was angled in the exact position needed to give the little brats riding the roller coaster next to it a nice view.

Jimmy Russell shuffled around the corner and looked up with admiration. Saying he was a large man, in Rolaf’s opinion, would be an understatement. He took up the same space as three men standing next to each other. He had a round head as large as a good sized pumpkin, both of which filled with quite similar contents.

“Are you finished, then?” Jimmy’s third chin almost disappeared as he stretched his neck up in an effort to see the carving on the wall.

Rolaf ignored him. He was tired, and besides, the guy wasn’t worth the effort. Instead, he picked up his tools and walked towards the bathroom to wash up. He couldn’t afford the boss seeing him with evidence all over his hands.

If Jimmy was bothered by Rolaf’s indifference, he didn’t show it. He just picked up the metal ladder Rolaf left behind and followed. “Did you do everything Marcus said?” he panted, struggling to drag his massive legs to match Rolaf’s fast pace.

Rolaf turned, annoyed. He wasn’t a bad looking man. In fact, most women would say he looked rather debonair, even with the dark shadow of whiskers that usually trailed across his face. But the look he gave Jimmy now, a look that was not an unfamiliar sight when Rolaf was around, would quickly change anyone’s mind.

“Marcus isn’t the only one who makes decisions around here,” he scowled, “I do what I want.”

Sweat dripped off Jimmy’s rotund face. He readjusted his slimy grip on the ladder. “But it was Marcus’ idea—“

Rolaf stopped. He turned to face the gasping Jimmy. “Marcus isn’t here, is he? If he wants something done a certain way, he should do it!” He stepped up in Jimmy’s face, looking in disgust at his shining forehead. “If I’m going to write stuff in a cement wall, I’m going to do it the way I want, no matter what anyone says, got it?”

Jimmy’s eyes went wide. “Ummm, Roll, I think—well—“

Rolaf just shook his head and sneered. He turned back towards the bathroom.

“Rolaf,” A man wearing a tool belt, a white shirt, and cargo pants was standing there, arms folded. “Excuse my interruption, but would you follow me to the new roller coaster? There’s something there I would like to talk to you about.”

Gritting his teeth, Rolaf Stone turned to follow his boss back the way he came

****************************

I know it bounces around a little, but it'll all come together later. This is my very first try at a novel, so some criticism would be extremely helpful! Oh, and I know it's not fantastical yet, but that's coming too!

Thanks!

--Anna


_________________
"I like this place and willingly could waste my time in it" --As You Like It, Act 2 Scene 4
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Syte   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

39
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 19
Joined: 07 May 2008
Posts: 72
Reviews: 39

300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 1:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

At this point I don't really know what the novels about or what makes it a fantasy, not that what I said is much of a criticism. I don't find anything wrong with your writing or exposition. The only criticism I have is concerning the ending. I think you should find another way to end the story, something that will give the reader an idea of what this book is about. My suggestion is either to extend the chapter, or confine the chapter into one PoV, but end it when something meaningful actually occurs.

Good luck with your novel. I hope to read some of other stuff sometime.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Anna Graham   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

35
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 02 Aug 2008
Posts: 89
Reviews: 35
Country: "The undiscover'd country, from whose bourn no traveller returns"
349 Points

PostPosted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 3:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks! Yeah, this wasn't actually meant to be the end of the chapter, but the real chapter is really long. They said that you should probably shorten it to about 1,500 words each post, and I didn't want anyone to stop reading it because it was too long.
Thanks for the crit though, I really appreciate it.

--Anna

_________________
"I like this place and willingly could waste my time in it" --As You Like It, Act 2 Scene 4
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
The Cheshire Cat   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

27
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Posts: 83
Reviews: 27
Country: USA
297 Points

PostPosted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 12:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off, let me just say how great this looks. The first sentence was arranged really well, it caught my attention and drew me in. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter! Your characters are well developed and interesting, and I really want to learn more about them. Pickles = Epic name. Epic.

Quote:
Rolaf smirked up at his masterpiece, rubbing his chalky hands on his dusty, beer-stained jeans


This is a great sentence. It gets me interested in the next half, and holds great imagery, while giving the readers a ready glimpse into the character. The whole second half was great. Definitely watching this story (as soon as I figure out how XD)

_________________
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Goldfinger: No Mister Bond, I expect you to die!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
natalie   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

34
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 34

300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 2:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Though I must agree with the above comments, as I don'treally know what this story is about yet, I stiil enjoyed it. Your style of writing is easy to read and I can really see the characters.
One mistake I found was when you wrote
Quote:
a look that was not an unfamiliar sight when Rolaf was around
. i don't feel it quite makes sense, did you mean Jimmy, not Rolaf? Rolaf was the one making the face, isn't he? If not, I'm a bit confused.
I love your characterisation. By the way, is Pickles his real name? If not, I would like to find out what it is.

Good Luck!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
p0lishtheworld   View This User's Portfolio
Novice

9
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 27 Sep 2008
Posts: 13
Reviews: 9

300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 2:43 am    Post subject: My critique Reply with quote

First off, thanks for reading my story! It really made my day..er..night.

Mr. Born raised an eyebrow. “Very funny, Mr. Dille. Oookay, you may begin.”

Mr. Dille! And they call him Pickle! That was really clever. It was good, too, because it added some comic relief to poor Will's story.


In fact, most women would say he looked rather debonair, even with the dark shadow of whiskers that usually trailed across his face. But the look he gave Jimmy now, a look that was not an unfamiliar sight when Rolaf was around, would quickly change anyone’s mind.

I'm not sure why, but I really liked this paragraph. Maybe it's because you used the word "deonair." I think maybe because the way you constructed it is in a neat style. It looks very professional.

I couldn't really find any literary mistakes or anything.

I like your story and now I have to know what happens and how the two stories come together! Keep writing! =)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
sylverdawn   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

53
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 495
Reviews: 53

155 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 6:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it, it's a good solid start, the characters are interesting. I don't really get the fantasy angle yet but I figure that will come in later. I think you should focus more on the main characters personality. You really don't do Will justice. I mean he doesn't do anything, he just goes to the class and falls asleep. It's difficult to connect with him as the main character.

Also the first part of the story is confusing, how does he end up in a cave? And why is their a bean bag there? Is it a hideout or what. Try to be more descriptive emotions, and the general atmosphere.

All in all though it's a good start. The story flows well from one point to the next. Keep up the good work. PM me when you post the next part.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Amora   View This User's Portfolio
Novice


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 07 Oct 2008
Posts: 8
Reviews: 4
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 12:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Anna,
Well I must say that I thought it was very good. My only comment is to watch your diction. As you said, your book is for a younger age group, so adding in words that are larger and more complex in meaning might confuse your readers. But other than that I think you did a realy good job. Keep working at! Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
RayneChild   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

10
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 06 Oct 2008
Posts: 28
Reviews: 10
Country: Junia, the wolven country
300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 1:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought it was wonderful! I think everything flowed very well together, and the storyline so far is very good, in the way that the reader knows the fantasy aspect is yet to come, so they want to keep reading to find out just what that aspect is. The overall story was very good, but I have to say, your word choice is what I liked the best. I love reading stories with good word choice becuase for me, it always paints a much better picture in my mind of the point the author is trying to get across. And you didn't overuse it, either, which is always really important as well. A story can become dreadfully boring if there is too much detail. But you got it just perfect. Brilliant; simply brilliant!

_________________
I am Rayne, the most feared wolf in all of Junia. I am a valiant and faithful warrior of the Water Clan, and my name is infamous world round. My killing method is not complex, so watch your back -
You may be next.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
KJ   View This User's Portfolio
She moves in mysterious ways...
Speaker of the Forum

466
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 644
Reviews: 466
Country: USA
170 Points

PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 6:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I printed all of this out, and I'll give you a scan review later, promise, Anna Smile

_________________
I need critiques on my story Because: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36505.html

An author in his book must be like God in the universe, present everywhere and visible nowhere ~Gustave Flaubert
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Anna Graham   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

35
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 02 Aug 2008
Posts: 89
Reviews: 35
Country: "The undiscover'd country, from whose bourn no traveller returns"
349 Points

PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 10:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks bunches, KJ!
Very Happy --Anna

_________________
"I like this place and willingly could waste my time in it" --As You Like It, Act 2 Scene 4
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
tay_star92   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

8
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 09 Nov 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 8
Country: U.S.A.
325 Points

PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 12:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I R3ALLY ENJOYED THE STORY...
THERE IS GREAT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IN THIS SHORT SECTION
i FEEL LIKE I CAN ALREADY RELATE TO THE CHARACTERS..
WILL THE BOY WHO LIKES THE GIRL BUT IS TOO SHY
AND HIS BEST FRIEND IS OF COURSE THE OUTGOING GUY THAT HAS NO PROBLEMS
CONVERSING WITH ANYONE...
THE SECOND PART IS INTERESTING AND I CANT WAIT TO FINISH READING
SO I CAN FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS...

THERE ARENT REALLY ANY MISTAKES THAT HAVEN'T PROBABLY ALREADY BEEN CORRECTED

WELL THAT'S ABOUT IT
PLEASE POST THE REST SOON CAUSE I DEFINATELY WANT TO READ IT

MUCH LOV3


~* gR3ATN3SS iS m3ASUR3D bY yOU *~

_________________
~* gR3ATN3SS iS m3ASUR3D bY yOU *~
~*tAY StAR*~
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Wanderer777   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 09 Nov 2008
Posts: 21
Reviews: 4
Country: Canada
343 Points

PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 3:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved it! I know I can relate to Will because I have difficulties continuing conversations and always have my nose buried in a book instead of visiting and going to sleep lol. I like how your diction is, it's great. I wish I could write like that. I found no difficulties reading it and I can't wait to find out what nexts! Please, post more!

_________________
Obstacles are those frightening things you see when you take your eyes off the goal.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger
Dreamworx95   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

49
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Jul 2008
Posts: 71
Reviews: 49
Country: USA
1055 Points

PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 3:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I have to say that this was very well written. I could hardly find any mistakes. The characters also feel very realistic, not like you forced them to do anything. It should be more interesting though, especially when people rarely stick around after the first chapter of a novel. I hope you'll introduce something new and interesting in the next chapter, though. There isn't really much to critique here. I will say this however: I like the characters. Pickles is cool.

Anyways, sorry if this was a little unorthodox. PM when you put up the next chapter and I'll be happy to review for you.

Ciao baby,

Dreamworx95

XOXO
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on September 14, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on September 14, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity. - Charles Mingus
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society