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This thread was created on September 14, 2008
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Why?
Topic ID: 36009
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wewinwelose
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 Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 8:57 pm Post subject: Why? |
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Why is it that all the tears
wind up in my eyes?
Why is it that all the pain
winds up at my side?
You say you love me
then walk away
saying you'll see me
some other day
but these tears
they wont leave me
and the pain
hurts too much
you don't get it
and you don't see
by leaving, you're helping you
and hurting me |
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piepiemann22
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 9:19 pm Post subject: |
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Over all I liked it, but I'm going to point something out that always gets under my skin and not everyone does. Adding punctuation to their piece of writing. I see it a lot and usually it's the only real problem with the poem. It seems a lot of new poets do it, I did it too, but once punctuation is added the poem becomes that much better.
Punctuation adds
1- Flow to the over all piece so it doesn't real like a really long fragmented sentence.
2- Rhythm so it the reader reads it the way you read it to yourself.
3- Correct grammar which anyone would jump on.
4- Voice to express your feelings and mood of the piece.
If you just fix that you'll have a nice short piece of poetry.  Good luck.
~Mr. Pie |
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Dreamwriter
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 9:38 pm Post subject: |
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| Okay, your theme was simple enough that its easily understood, and that's a good thing. However, it's too simple. You need to add better descriptions, similies, metaphors, so on and so forth. You feel pain, but to what degree? Describe it. Does it feel like an open flame? Or like sandpaper on the open wound within your soul? Get descriptive so that your audience can feel what you feel. |
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wewinwelose
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 09 May 2007
Posts: 84
Reviews: 40
248 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 9:02 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks i'll try to work on punctuation but i've always had a really hard time with that.....it's almost impossible |
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| This thread was created on September 14, 2008 |
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