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This thread was created on September 14, 2008
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My Inner Fire
Topic ID: 36001
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BrokenWings
Novice
Age: 14
Joined: 11 Sep 2008
Posts: 13
Reviews: 0
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 5:54 pm Post subject: My Inner Fire |
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Dancing flames upon my heart,
Quicken, as we grow apart.
The fire grows as days go by
Like scorching sun in mid July
Until it starts to drip and melt.
My gasping breath leaks gusts of smoke,
Causing me to tear and choke.
And then you left, without goodbye
I heard my heart sear and fry
In the pit of my aching stomach.
I hate you and your pointless words.
They’ve only left a scar.
I fell head first, began to stumble,
My heart black, begins to crumble
I hope you burn in hell. |
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bisquit
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 107
Reviews: 64
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 6:01 pm Post subject: |
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wow. this was a very powerful poem indeed. especially the single lines!
the rhyming is also really good 
just a few pointeres...
'without' is one word. you made it two seperate ones in the 3rd section.
um just a thought, but in the fifth section, you switch from tenses. it doesnt make it sound bad or anything but i was just wandering if that was intentional. who knows, it may just be me! maybe it should be 'fall' instead of 'fell' ?
anyway, this is a really great and powerful poem!
good work, hope i have helped.
bisquit |
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BrokenWings
Novice
Age: 14
Joined: 11 Sep 2008
Posts: 13
Reviews: 0
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 6:18 pm Post subject: |
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thank you very much!
and yes the fifth stanza was intentional =] |
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| This thread was created on September 14, 2008 |
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