Topic ID: 35994
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Nolan
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 Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 4:09 pm Post subject: Just One Thing |
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We share so many things,
You and I:
Hatred and fear,
pain and angst.
But, there is one
Thing that sets me
Apart from you.
One small thing,
That, if only the
World had, we
Could live forever.
Just one little thing,
Smaller than a letter;
Bigger than a word.
Love. |
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"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."
-Nolan Logan
Last edited by Nolan on Wed Sep 17, 2008 12:56 am; edited 1 time in total |
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loveisthekey2010
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Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 5:22 pm Post subject: |
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| I am new to this site but your work is the first thing i had the pleasure of reading and i think that it is a beautiful piece....the end is my favorite... |
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Life without love is a simple waste of time..... |
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Sapphire
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350 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 7:47 pm Post subject: Re: Just One Thing |
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| Nolan wrote: |
We share so many things,
You and I:
Love and fear,
pain and angst. |
You go on later to say that the difference between them is love, so you need to find another similarity to put here.
| Quote: |
But (no comma) there is one
Thing that sets me
Apart from you. |
| Quote: |
One small thing,
That, if only the
World had, we
Could live forever. |
This was the weakest part of the poem, I thought. I'm not sure if it really needs changed; it was just the statement that 'if the world had love, then people (in general?) would live forever' seems like something that needs explained.
| Quote: |
Just one little thing.
Smaller than a letter,
Bigger than a word:
Love. |
Brilliant! These were definitely my favourite lines.
I really liked this. It was short and sweet, but conveyed a great message. Well done! |
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JordanEmert
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 11:27 pm Post subject: |
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| I agree, this is a very pretty piece. The only thing I have to critiqueon is that this poem is a little short, its still good but in my opinion I think it would have been better if you added more to it. But keep writing and good luck! |
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Adnamarine
Gotta get up from here
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| Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 4:34 pm Post subject: |
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We share so many things,
You and I:
Hatred and fear,
pain and angst. <-- Shopping list. What does it mean?
But, there is one
Thing that sets me
Apart from you.
One small thing,
That, if only the
World had, we
Could live forever.
Just one little thing,
Smaller than a letter;
Bigger than a word. <-- What is that supposed to mean, "Smaller than a letter; Bigger than a word." It sounds nice, but I feel as though that's all it was meant to do. Do you even know what you meant by it?
Love.
Let's start with your form. In general, no terrible problems with it. Your short lines made it feel a bit choppy, but that's simple to fix. Content is another story. ... Poem?
To be brutally honest, it was uninspiring and unoriginal. It was nothing I could relate to, and nothing I hadn't seen before. True, subjects are recyclable. They have to be, because there isn't an endless supply of them. But your presentation of the subject was stale and meaningless. The word cliche has become cliche; nonetheless it fits this poem to a tee.
"What the world needs now is love, sweet love" is the endless refrain pounded in our brains by countless who are either catering to sops who haven't heard it enough, think it's new, or think the most efficient way of getting a positive reaction is to churn it out over and over like a broken record.
Your poem is like a skeleton without an ounce of flesh on it, let alone skin to hold it together. You put words into poetic form, you even have a pretty little metaphor. But where's the story? Where's the meaning?
I hate to be harsh, but I just see too much of this.
I hope that I was helpful, though, and if you have any questions let me know. |
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"Thus, the two-dimensional problem was really a one-dimensional problem in disguise!" |
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Angel of Death
I love you. I swear I do.
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 12:53 am Post subject: |
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Hey Nolan, long time no see, eh?
Another lovely poem. It was powerful and yet like I said to someone before, it wasn't heavy. It just flowed well to the end and I especially loved the end where you talked about how love was smaller than a letter, bigger than a word, hope I got that right. Keep writing poetry and I'll keep reading.
Great job,
~Angel |
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powerofthree
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300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 12:54 am Post subject: |
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| Pretty good, you can easily make it into a song, I just sung it to myself lol. I liked it. But some things need more detail just like what Adnamarine was saying you wrote the skeleton without flesh. It seems like a rough, first draft. |
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wombat
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Country: UK
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 4:42 pm Post subject: |
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| Loved it and it's kinda true =) |
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