Topic ID: 35990
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Lord Anzius
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 Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 2:53 pm Post subject: Short poem: Door to heaven |
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Continue for the escape read the previous "chapter" of this poem:
As he huffed far away,
From his bill,
on the head man's hill,
He stretched his limbs,
and looked around.
Only now,
did he regret,
that he had killed,
the lad who hadn't even been bad,
Sad he looked around once more,
He saw a thing that stunned him even more!
A door,
A door on a cloud floor.
A pair of blue eyes looked at him,
Behind the curtains of heaven,
The creature came out,
The killer screamed aloud,
He soon recovered,
And soon discovered,
as he saw not the monster as he had expected,
but a small angel,
Awfully tired, not rested.
The angel told him that he was suspended from heaven,
He waved his hand in the air and asked why.
The angel looked at him sternly,
"Because of a murder that's why".
The man looked back sadly,
The killer said he was sorry,
Behind the angel some one said don't worry.
The killer looked who had spoke,
What he saw made him almost choke.
Behind the angle stood the lad who wasn't even bad. |
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Last edited by Lord Anzius on Mon Nov 17, 2008 2:17 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Fellow
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 2:58 pm Post subject: hehe |
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| are you intending to write a whole book in rhymes ? o.O Just asking. |
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JordanEmert
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 10:19 pm Post subject: yeah |
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| I liked this alot. =] |
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Reuben A
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:25 pm Post subject: |
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Quite frankly, I can't find anything to change in this poem. It's perfect! This time its you who earned a gold star from me. |
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Tusker93
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 7:01 pm Post subject: Re: hehe |
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| Fellow wrote: |
| are you intending to write a whole book in rhymes ? o.O Just asking. |
like good old Dr. Seuss  .
Liked this poem, hope you keep writing. |
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SunshineOrange
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 9:21 am Post subject: |
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Hm.
I didn't like this. I'm not sure why, I just didnt. I know this is not any help so I'm going to come back to it later and try and tell you why I didnt like it.
u.u''
Sorry.
Orange. |
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Galerius
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 9:18 pm Post subject: Re: Short poem: Door to heaven |
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| Lord Anzius wrote: |
As he huffed far away,
From his bill,
on the head man's hill,
He stretched his limbs,
and looked around. |
his bill? what does that mean?
stretched his limbs and looked around is kinda bland. i couldn't picture this because there were no exciting, descriptive words to picture this with...
| Quote: |
Only now,
did he regret,
that he had killed,
the lad who hadn't even been bad,
Sad he looked around once more,
He saw a thing that stunned him,
A door,
And a cloud floor. |
no offense but it sounds like you chose the term "hadn't even been bad" to rhyme with lad. what does this have to do with the poem? does his badness matter?
ah, no, please never use "thing" in poetry, or short stories or...anything, really. thing is the most boring word in the universe unless its done absolutely right. which in your poem is not the case.
| Quote: |
A pair of blue eyes looked at him,
Behind the curtains of heaven,
The creature came out,
The killer screamed aloud,
He soon recovered,
as he saw not the monster as he had expected.
but a small angel, |
screamed aloud...soon recovered...this is utterly pointless. your describing his actions like his story belongs in a textbook. if his weird emotional rollercoaster is significant, then show don't tell.
also, i'm disappointed with how boring heaven is. can you at least spice it up? paint me a picture of paradise, of utter bliss where laughter echoes through the clouds of souls. or something.
| Quote: |
The angel told him that he was suspended from heaven,
He waved and asked why. |
he...waved? i'm totally lost here. why wave?
| Quote: |
The angel looked at him sternly,
The man looked back sadly,
The killer said he was sorry,
Behind the angel some one said don't worry.
The killer looked who had spoke,
What he saw made him almost choke.
Behind the angle stood the lad who wasn't even bad. |
i dont get this. the angel refused to let him in heaven but then his own victim came and smiled at him and said he could enter. what's going on here? and why does that 'lad who wasnt even bad' so important that he makes decisions on who gets to heaven?
also, you never explained why the lad wasn't bad or even if that's important. if its not, cut it out.
in general...i couldnt really feel anything. better luck in revising it, i'd like to read it again sometime. |
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Lord Anzius
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| Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 4:42 am Post subject: |
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with the fact that the lad "was not even bad" I wanted to tell you that the man had never done any wrong against any other person... with the bill (on the head man's hill) I want to emphasise that he was a murderer and that the bill would be his punishment for the murder (he was to be executed)
The thing that the lad came there to let him in meant that, the lad had forgiven him.
I'll work on it still abit so that it would be better... Thanks for the critt  |
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esteria
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:56 pm Post subject: |
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| hi i really like your style though there are parts of your poem i did not understand especially the beginning. |
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chichi
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 5:12 am Post subject: |
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I didn't like this. The idea and all is okay, but the execution was... well, poor. Lots of the rhymes are forced. The rhymes sometimes don't make sense.
You need more imagery, more powerful words and go through it all again. It sounds like you've just done a first draft and posted it. This poem could be so much better. |
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Lord Anzius
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 10:08 am Post subject: |
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| weeeel.. acctually this is the first draft. |
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I wish I were more crazy. |
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grimy89098
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 12:41 am Post subject: |
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nice (:
...
yes, that's all im gonna say
..
because everyone has said stuff i wanted to...
...
darn...
-grimy
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Meep(:
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 1:00 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
What he saw made him almost choke.
Behind the angle stood the lad who wasn't even bad. |
Maybe you want to move the words around in the first sentence,
To "What he saw almost made him choke"? Just a suggestion 
Then "Behind the angle stood the..."
I always found that mistake funny
Its got potential, but you've got to use more powerful words
to give it more feeling.
Not rhyming for the sake of rhyming
Poems don't have to rhyme... unless you were going for that.
Nice! |
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JujuMayuDreamer14
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| Posted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 6:39 pm Post subject: |
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I would say that this poem is okay but there is potential the poem was great but it could be better putting in the tought.
I like the idea which is true but I could say I liked it but I didnt.
There is lots of potential so keep on writing but think more
then write it on paper but this is great that is why everyone learns from mistakes.
I'd like to see more of your writing.
This type of topic should be more mature in the word writing.
I would apreciate if you could critique some of my poems.
Have a great Day!
Regards~JujuMayuDreamer14 |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 8:20 am Post subject: |
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Moix. Huomasinpas nyt tämänkin sitten ja aattelin antaa rivjuun.
First off, when I was reading this, it felt like the narrator was in a hurry, and tried to explain everything as quickly as possible, and therefore couldn't keep any breaks in between, but instead said everything like it was a one, big sentence, and because of that, the atmosphere is like panting. See what I mean? I tried to demonstrate my meaning, because I know I'm not the best explainer in the world.
I also felt that the flow could be better. Like now there are lines that don't quite work with one another because they're of different length. It's not always bad, but now it bugged me a little. You could also use more imagery and make us imagine the things in our heads instead of shoving them down our throats. I hope I made myself clear again...
For example, let's take this line:
| Quote: |
| the lad who hadn't even been bad |
I know that it's mostly because of the rhyming, but "bad" is just so a blank word, it doesn't really tell us anything. Could you say this in any other words, maybe? It's just an example, though.
| Quote: |
The killer said he was sorry,
Behind the angel some one said don't worry. |
This is also another example of those blank words. "Sorry", "don't worry", they're so much in daily use that there's really nothing behind them anymore. Then again, I don't know enough about style yet, maybe it's all just part of it.
Well, I hope I was of any help. I still need to practice all this review thing. So... nähdään!
Demeter xxx |
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