Topic ID: 35989
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Shadow
Junior Writer
Age: 18
Joined: 02 May 2006
Posts: 35
Reviews: 4
Country: a cave full of breadsticks
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 2:35 pm Post subject: Call Your Name |
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Okay, I haven't been on here in forever... Constructive crit is encouraged.
Yesterday I cried your name,
Once, twice and once again.
You claim you heard one golden cry
Why then did I hear no reply?
I called again but your heart slept,
I fell down to my knees and wept.
Early eve pre-sunset skies;
You heard, I know, I see your lies
Yesterday I sang the song
You bid me sing if life was wrong.
I sang until my voice was lost,
My throat sore from winter's frost
I called again, again I tried
Until the moon grew full I cried,
Couldn't breath and couldn't speak
Fell to the ground when I was weak.
Yesterday I felt the chill
Turning the land around me still.
On the eve of spring we were apart,
The frost came down and froze my heart
I call to you beyond the gates,
For when you came it was too late.
You claim you heard me call your name,
Now never will I call again. |
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Is love at second true?
Do I need a third, a fourth, a fifth
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Sapphire
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 19
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 233
Reviews: 140
350 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 3:17 pm Post subject: Re: Call Your Name |
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Hi! I thought this was brilliant. I only have a few suggestions for punctuation and rhythm (which was near-perfect).
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Yesterday I cried your name:
Once, twice and once again. (I loved this.)
You claim you heard one golden cry -
Why then did I hear no reply? |
You really use rhythm and rhyme to the full to create a certain tone. It's quite matter-of-fact, but it flows well.
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I called again but your heart slept.
I fell down to my knees and wept.
Early eve pre-sunset skies; ?
You heard, I know, I see your lies. |
The third line seems very random. I would try to find something to tie in better with the previous two, or change the third and fourth lines if it is rhyme that is the problem.
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Yesterday I sang the song
You bid me sing if life was wrong.
I sang until my voice was lost,
My throat sore from winter's frost. |
'Life was wrong' stretches poetic license to its full length, but you get away with it. I thought this stanza was great.
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I called again; again I tried.
Until the moon grew full, I cried.
I couldn't breath and couldn't speak,
Fell to the ground when I was weak.
Yesterday I felt the chill that
Turned the land around me still.
On The eve of spring we were apart;
The frost came down and froze my heart. |
I like the progression through the seasons.
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I call to you beyond the gates,
For when you came it was too late.
You claim you heard me call your name,
Now never will I call again. |
I love the last stanza.
You use tricky devices like repetition and sentences inversion well. They never sound forced because of the overall style that you've written the poem in. I don't have any criticisms really - well done! |
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chichi
Writer
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Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 62
Reviews: 57
Country: Australia
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 11:09 am Post subject: |
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This is a great poem! However, you often have issues with the rhythm in this poem - that's the syllables and how they match to the number of syllables in other lines/stanzas. It's hard, but you need to make sure they all match.
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| Why then did I hear no reply? |
There should be commas before and after "then".
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| You heard, I know, I see your lies |
There should be a period at the end of this line.
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| Yesterday I sang the song |
There should be a comma at the end of this line (and every line unless it has a period, exclamation or question mark).
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| You bid me sing if life was wrong. |
You're really pushing it here. Maybe change "life was wrong" to "things went wrong"?
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| Couldn't breath and couldn't speak |
This and a few lines before it needs a comma at the end, plus you misspelled "breathe".
Remember your punctuation. Sorry to be such a nitpick but it's important. This is a great poem, and I like how you swapped the words around in the last line. Great job! |
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adriangarcia
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Nov 2007
Posts: 104
Reviews: 70
Country: United States of America
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:49 pm Post subject: |
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I like this poem a lot. You tread on very thin water. You could have made a very angst, emotional poem with absolutely no base; however, you somehow managed to keep emotions at bay and pen a good poem.
I do suggest elaborating more. Perhaps with editing, you could have a real WINNER!
Adrian |
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xGraceex
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 238
Reviews: 76
Country: rainy old england
320 Points
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 8:05 pm Post subject: |
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I loved this poem, though it was a bit confusing at what it was about it was packed full of emotion and i liked that 
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Yesterday I cried your name,
Once, twice and once again.
You claim you heard one golden cry
Why then did I hear no reply? |
loved this beginning, made me want to read more, i love the third and fourth line, very sweet and i loved "golden cry"
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I called again but your heart slept,
I fell down to my knees and wept.
Early eve pre-sunset skies;
You heard, I know, I see your lies |
Again you totally made the third and fourth line amazing, those two lines siad so much to me, but i found the first line a bit odd and it didnt flow as well
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Yesterday I sang the song
You bid me sing if life was wrong.
I sang until my voice was lost,
My throat sore from winter's frost |
Youve dont it again! i loved the last two lines but its just the first two that i dont really get, the rhythm isnt as good - "yestuday i sang the song" was a bit weird - what song? it wasnt meantioned before, please please correct me if i am wrong
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I called again, again I tried
Until the moon grew full I cried,
Couldn't breath and couldn't speak
Fell to the ground when I was weak. |
OMG i loved this!!! best thing ive heard so , loved it, it was so smooth and full of emotion, it flowed perfectly
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Yesterday I felt the chill
Turning the land around me still.
On the eve of spring we were apart,
The frost came down and froze my heart |
This one didnt flow as well as the one before but it was still great, good descriptive words and stuff and the last line was so poetic and beautiful
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I call to you beyond the gates,
For when you came it was too late.
You claim you heard me call your name,
Now never will I call again. |
Did she/he die? is this what it means? when you said gates i kinda imagened heaven but you might have written it to represent something else oh well still loved it
Great poem - best one ive read today |
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