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This thread was created on September 14, 2008
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Chapter 1- part one of Shadow's Angel.
Part two of chapter one. Shadow's Angel.
life and all its random glory chapter 1
life and all its random glory chapt 3 so far!
life and all its random glory chapt 3

Life and all its random glory chapter 2

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bisquit   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 12:57 pm    Post subject: Life and all its random glory chapter 2 Reply with quote

Advisable to read chapter 1 first...

Chapter Two-Subtle Spying and parkour

World War Four broke out on Saturday evening at Little Cottage. With World War Three breaking out the day before, over a little incident involving Fat Cats litter tray, things weren’t looking too great for the Thomas’.

This time, however, Fat Cat was innocent and it seemed as though Adam was the one in need of a ‘quiet word’ in the living room.

Haley sat at the top of the stairs clutching her empty glass. She examined the steps individually and started to work out her route. The top, second, fifth and eighth stair creaked melodramatically under any strain put on them. It would have to be the usual creeping routine, followed by a jump (hopefully landing gracefully on the third step), then finally a steady walk, missing out any of the mischievous stairs on the way.

On her way down, Haley began to be able to catch a few words coming from the living room. She ignored them for now and concentrated on her path.

Having reached the bottom, she wandered through to the kitchen and looked at the clock hanging above the oven. 11:06 pm. Bedtime had been an hour ago.

The kitchen was huge and took up the majority of the downstairs and consisted of: marble topped surfaces wherever you looked, a large fridge freezer occupying a whole corner, and, of course, the fruit bowl, though this wasn’t as commonly used as it perhaps should have been.

The sink was in front of a large window, the window looked out onto a beautiful garden and the garden was positioned before a small pond that wasn’t owned by anyone. The Thomas’ recalled this pond for various reasons. Mr Thomas was not fond.

Haley filled up her glass and made her way back lightly on her toes, like a ballerina. Stopping briefly outside the living room, she captured the main gist of the conversation…

It seemed to have something to do with skateboards and some kind of sports event with Adam’s parkour club. Haley shrugged. Her parents overreacted at everything to do with events at school or organizations. The previous year, they had gone mad at Haley for managing to cheat in an egg and spoon race. She had simply replied with: ‘Come on! Everyone does it!’ This was true, in all fairness to Haley.

Whatever Adam had tried to achieve by using skateboards, hills and parkour, it wasn’t worth getting Haley in trouble for. She crept back to the staircase and began the steep climb up. She reached the third stair from the top before she paused. This was the bit that she called the ‘Giant’s footstep’. With her right foot leading the way, she just about managed to avoid stepping on the second or top stair. She did a victory dance before returning to her room for a bit of subtle spying.

Her ear was pressed firmly against the grate, which just happened to be connected with the hearth in the living room. She heard everything that was being said and chuckled to herself.

Her brother was nuts! Yet, she thought it was amusing, even if her parents didn’t.

She was now laughing uncontrollably, snorting every now and then. When Adam was sent to his room and the conversation finally came to an end, Haley leaned against the wall next to the grate.

Her bedroom door opened. In came Mum. Haley froze, the previous laughter disintegrating. Her mums face was the favourite: I’m-cross-with-you-Haley, look.

“Haley Thomas, I could hear that laughter a mile away. That grate acts like a microphone, young lady.”

Haley hung her head as if she was ashamed and snuggled into her bed. Her mum switched the light out and closed the door.

As her last act before getting to sleep, Haley shook her fist at the grate. It seemed as though she needed to find an even subtler way of spying. She would work on it first thing the next morning.



Last edited by bisquit on Thu Sep 25, 2008 8:48 pm; edited 2 times in total
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CastlesInTheSky   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 1:08 pm    Post subject: Re: Life and all its random glory chapter 2 Reply with quote

Quote:
Haley sat at the top of the stairs clutching her empty glass.


You need to insert a comma (,) after "clutching."

Quote:
It would have to be the usual creeping routine, followed by a jump (hopefully landing gracefully on the third step), then finally a steady walk, missing out any of the mischievous stairs on the way.


Never use brackets. It takes all maturity out of your work and makes the story seem like a diary entry.



Quote:
On her way down, Haley began to be able to make out a few words coming from the living room.


This was awkwardly worded. "Haley began to be able to make out" <<You need to change all of the quoted.


Quote:
She ignored them for now and concentrated on her course.


Course is the wrong word to use.


Quote:
Having reached the bottom, she wandered through to the kitchen and looked at the clock hanging above the oven. 11:06pm. Bed time had been an hour ago.


Bedtime is one word. And there should be a space inserted between "6" and "pm"


Her parents over reacted at everything to do with events at school or organizations.

Over-reacted is one word.


Quote:
She crept back to the stair case and began the steep climb up.


Staircase is one word.


She did a victory dance before returning to her room for a bit of subtle spying…

I see no need for the three dots at the end.


“Haley Thomas, I could hear that laughter a mile away. That grate acts like a microphone young lady.”
Haley hung her head as if she was ashamed and snuggled into her bed. Her mum switched the light out and closed the door.


Comma after "microphone", but the second part of this quote is well worded.


Quote:
As her last act before getting to sleep, Haley shook her fist at the grate. It seemed as though she needed to find an even subtler way of spying. She would work on it first thing the next morning.



Nice ending.


xxx

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They fade into the emptiness, another dark gray day.
Dreams are only memories of the life I had back then.
Dreams are eraser dust and now I use a pen.
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bisquit   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 4:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks for all those tips, i will update and then put the edited version in this ones place. tah muchly Smile
bisquit
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natalie   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 8:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am entirely entrigued by your characters, as well as this parkour, skateboard, hill scenario. *hehe*
Your characters description is subtle yet necessary. The fact that she knows which stairs creak is a perfect way of showing us that she had used this path many times before when she wasn't meant to.
One thing I will say is that maybe lengthening it is the right way to go. For example, describing her noticing her mother coming up the stairs, or her surprise if she doesn't. Even her brothers tone of voice as he replies to the mother. Small details like this can really deepen the characterisation. (If that is a word).
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Loozle   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 7:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love these characters that you have written, they're whimsical but still realistic, which is probably what you were aiming for.
I am all over this story right now.
=]
-Eme

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