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Your Lips On Mine
Your Lips On Mine

by emma.b in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on September 14, 2008
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Melosica: Chapter 3 part one.

Topic ID: 35985
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Reuben A   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 11:07 am    Post subject: Melosica: Chapter 3 part one. Reply with quote

I would suggest reading the Prologue and Chapter 1&2 before you read this.

“What do you think is in there?” Millie asked Alan. She was eager to know what it was like inside the massive sandstorm. They were nce agian sitting around the camp fire, her dad telling his awfull ghost story.

“I don’t know. I hope its my dad though.” Alan replied.

“How was it in there?” Millie asked.

“Well, I couldn’t see much. But what I could see was calm. It was grey and cold. And scary.”

“What about sandy? Was there any wind?” Millie asked.

“No. It was calm. No wind, no sand.” They were again sitting around the fire, which was much more magnificent since the carriage had caught alight.

“Why don’t we go in and look around?” The now curios Millie asked. Alan stared at her, horrified.

“Why?” He asked.

“Because…because…Maybe we’ll find your dad.” Millie replied. Alan stared into the flames, considering the idea.

“But, it’s so far away. We could take all night to get there.”

“You managed the journey in a matter of seconds.” Now, for the first time, Alan thought of how exactly the carriage started…flying.

“Well, there was a screech,” He muttered to himself, “Then the carriage flew.” Then, he came to a conclusion. What ever massive creature had screeched had thrown the carriage.

“I was thrown.” He announced.

“And what does that have to do with us going to the city?” Millie asked.

“That’s how the carriage started flying! A creature threw me! I’m sure of it.” Alan called out.

“My dad’s still with that creature…lets go.” Alan stood up. Millie pulled him down again.

“Not now…I don’t think that my parents would approve of us going alone to meet a creature that threw a carriage a few thousand feet.”

“With luck we won’t see the creature.” Alan replied.

“Let’s just wait for my parents to go to sleep.” Millie said.

* * *

“Alan…wake up.” Millie said, shaking Alan vigorously. Millie hadn't slept at all during the few hours waiting for her parent to sleep. two factors that contributed to this was, the dark tent scared her, and the flames from outside threw strange shadows against the sides of the tent. The other was hat she was filled with a nervousness. Alan half opened a eye, and said

“A few more minutes dad.” He said, and turned his back on Millie.

“It’s me, Millie!” She whispered.

“Oh, hi Millie.” Alan said, and continued to sleep.

“We have to wake up now…my parents are asleep, we must go look for your dad.” Alan jumped up, only to slump to the ground again.

“I remember! Come, let’s go!” He mumbled tired. With that, he stepped out of the tent., followed by Millie. With a quick turn in the direction of the big cloud, they started off towards the city.

After a few moments of running through the dull desert, Millie noticed that being carried by slaves for two weeks had not done her very well. She was out of breath within the first few paces of running, and had to stop Alan. Of course shovelling pig dung had done him some good.

“Millie…come! We have a very long way to go, you can’t already be panting!” Alan cried out. “We aren’t even out of the camp!”

“Can…you….slow…down?” She panted.

“Then let’s jog.” Alan suggested, and Millie silently agreed. So they were on their way to Mesolonica.

* * *


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Last edited by Reuben A on Sun Sep 21, 2008 1:00 pm; edited 4 times in total
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Kaylyn   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 3:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, I found it a bit confusing. Describe everything in a bit more detail. Also it sounds well unrealistic for Alan to be sleepy and then suddenly jump up ready to go. I didn't find any grammatical mistakes that jumped out at me so good job there. I also found it weird that Alan isn't worried about his father earlier on. Anyways, it is interesting, just add in some more emotion maybe on the main characters and more detail. If you have any questions just PM me. Let me know when the next section is posted. Good Luck!

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Lord Anzius   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

True. I had to read the start three times before I got it.

Firstly I want to say, good work

You have astounded me yet again.

Like said above, you must use MORE DESCRIPTION....

I like the way your characters react, but you somehow always lack the description. That is something that I have to work on also. So you must work on it as well.

Every-time you write about something the first time example: sword, chair, house etc. you must add an adjective for it.

You must also look out, (before I continue I must say I have the same problem sometimes... your not alone.) You have made almost the whole chapter only dialogue... now a lot of dialogue is always good.
But when the amount of dialogue takes over 70 % of the text... UWW. You have something to work on.

great story anywayz. Good luck

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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE

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Reuben A   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 4:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Working on it!!

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