Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

The Top 25!

Favorite part of writing?
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Young Love
Young Love

by jenni321 in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on September 14, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
I Will Follow You Into The Dark: Chapter Two
I Will Follow You Into The Dark: Chapter Three

I Will Follow You Into The Dark Goto page 1, 2  Next

Topic ID: 35984
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Embroswyn15   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

5
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Sep 2007
Posts: 50
Reviews: 5
Country: USA
380 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 10:19 am    Post subject: I Will Follow You Into The Dark Reply with quote

The woods were dark and forbidding, though the moon shone in little rays of pale light piercing the canopy of trees. The greenery still showed its color despite the lack of illumination needed to show its true beauty. The path wove into the forest and around the trees like a snake slithering around obstacles in its path. I know that most people would have been uneasy about being in a place like that in the middle of the night but I wasn’t “most people”.

“Where are you taking me, Jake?” I asked as he pulled me deeper and deeper into the dark. Thank god I had built-in, natural night vision or else I’d be stumbling around like an idiot.

“You’ll see,” he replied, looking back at me quickly with the impish grin that I had fallen in love with.

I stopped in my tracks so quickly that he nearly fell back, stumbling instead and regaining his balance just in time for him to see me cross my arms in defiance, or just plain stubbornness as he called it. But I couldn’t frown at him for too long. It had always been hard to be mad at Jake. He was just so damn loveable.

“Aww, come on,” he pleaded, batting his eyelashes playfully. “It’s supposed to be a surprise. You don’t want me to ruin it, do you?”

I couldn’t help it. I smiled and gave in, shrugging my shoulders in defeat.

“Why do you have to be such an—“.

“Amazingly handsome and charming man?” he finished, cutting me off.

“I was going to say an annoyance but whatever,” I said with a smirk.

His grin never faltered as he pulled me close by the waist, his hand on the small of my back as he moved me, until I was close enough to smell the blood running through his veins, to hear our hearts beating as one, thumping heavily against our chests. Being as tall as he was, he had to tilt his head downwards to meet my gaze. I never got tired of his eyes, which made me even dizzier than I had been as he gazed lovingly into mine. I tilted my head back so I could meet it and we both smiled.

“My annoyance,” I added.

He rolled his eyes and replied, “Well, who else would I annoy if it wasn’t you?”

We laughed simultaneously, his deep chuckle mixed with my high-pitched soprano.

“I love you Jacob Black,” I murmured seriously, as I got lost in his dark eyes.

“I love you too, Renesmee Cullen,” he replied softly. “ And I always will.”

“Forever?” I asked in a muted, slightly raspy voice.

He nodded his head.

“Forever.”

I had to stand on my toes to kiss him but it was worth the effort. And he was such a good kisser.

I had loved him all my life and I never would stop as long as he loved me back. But I wasn’t worried about him finding someone else. I knew, for him, there would be no other woman and that I would always be his. That he would always want me. Forever.

After our lips parted, he grinned again and grabbed my wrist, pulling me through the forest with such ease that only a werewolf and a vampire hybrid would pull off. We leapt in unison over logs and sped along too fast for the human eye to see anything other than a blur. I watched as the moonbeams hit our hair as we moved, shining on his black crop-cut and my lengthy bronze curls, and felt one with nature as well as my soul mate. We moved in the same steps, as if one of us were a mirror reflection of the other. I didn’t really pay too much attention to it anyways, wondering instead where Jake was taking me.

“Just a bit further,” he said, pulling me closer to him.

When he saw my grimace he added, “Don’t worry. It’ll be worth it when we get there. Trust me.”

And I did, as always. If there was one person I trusted more than my own parents it was Jacob. Ever since he’d imprinted on me when I was born, I’d known I’d loved him. Before I could even speak, I felt a fierce devotion to him. He was what woke me up in the morning and what made me want to go to bed as late as possible at night. Each second I spent with him, I never wanted to end. In the end, I’d die for him just as easily as he would die for me. He was my everything.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, we slowed and came to a halt.

“Are we finally here?” I asked, hands on my hips.

“Almost,” he said, looking at me in a way he’d never looked at me before. He continued looking at me like that for a good thirty or so seconds.

“What?” I asked impatiently, tugging him out of whatever fog his mind had been enveloped in.

He smiled and turned me around, hands on my waist, sliding up my abdomen until they reached my face. As he moved his hand up, I felt myself shiver, eyes closed to try to make the feeling last longer. Then I felt a cloth go over my eyes and I pushed it away.

“What the hell, Jake?” I snapped, not used to being blindfolded. “Is this really necessary?”

“If you want it to be a surprise…” he shot back and I knew he had a point.

I sighed and submitted, allowing him to put the blindfold over my eyes. Then he twirled me back around and got in back of me so he could steer me in the right direction. His hands poised comfortably on my hips, he guided me along a pathway for a few minutes. Then, I heard something I didn’t expect to hear: the echo of rushing water. Finally, he removed my blindfold, stopped me and put his lips to my ear.

“Open your eyes, beautiful,” he whispered as I felt his breath tingling on my earlobes.

The sight I saw caught my attention so intensely that I gasped, putting one hand on my chest and the other over my mouth in astonishment.

The waterfall wasn’t huge but it was still magnificent. It must have been roughly twenty or thirty feet high, cascading down in an endless veil of water at the front of a small alcove behind it. The water fell into a moderately sized pool that looked to be quite deep from the shades of blue in its center. But the water was crystal clear and there were pathways made around the pool leading to the space behind the waterfall. As I stood in pure awe, he saw how still I stood and, standing behind me, lovingly wrapped his big arms around my shoulders, my bronze curls cascading over them, and rested his head on top of mine as we both gazed out at the scene before us.

“Incredible, isn’t it?” he began, grinning widely. “My mother took me here as a kid to go swimming, just me and her. She loved it here. We would go behind the waterfall, “—he pointed to the small alcove—“ and we’d jump into the pool, running through the wall of water and getting completely soaked.”

I didn’t say anything as I tried to comprehend the significance of this place for him. How much it meant to him to be back there and how major it was that he chose to bring me there. This was a special thing, I realized, what was going on today.

Suddenly, I felt cool water hit my legs and realized it was Jake near the pool’s edge, splashing water at me. I hadn’t even noticed he’d left my side. Shrinking back from the liquid by reflex, I saw he was smiling slyly at me.

“Well are you just going to stand there or are we going to do some swimming?” he asked, taking off his shirt to reveal his smooth russet skin stretching taut over the muscles of his abdomen.

I gulped and sighed in desire at the same time; tilting my head to the side as I admired him, remembering that all of that was mine and no one else’s. The smugness showed on my face and Jake saw it, smiling playfully.

“Are you checking me out, Ness?” he questioned, looking back at me as my eyes shot from his body to his face, trying to hide the fact that I was indeed checking him out. God, I felt embarrassed. A strong blush entered my cheeks as I smiled at him, sauntering over to him, pulling my shirt off at the same time.

“Now why would you think that?’ I asked, taking off the rest of my clothes until I was wearing nothing but my bra and panties. It was so worth it as I saw the look on Jake’s face.

Then, I winked quickly at him, and dove into the water.

Without surfacing, I swam underneath the waterfall and into the small alcove behind it, not realizing until I did surface that Jake had beat me there. I found myself emerge right next to him, my body against his. While still in the water, he pulled me closer by the waist until I was right up against him and kissed me hungrily. I didn’t object, putting passion into the kiss myself. It wasn’t until we had to take a breath that our mouths parted.

“Well, that was nice,” I murmured.

“Nice?” he asked, putting on a shocked look. “That’s all I get for that mind-blowing kiss? Nice?”

I shrugged nonchalantly.

“You’ve done better,” I said plainly.

He looked stunned, his jaw dropped in surprise. I smiled at him and swam closer again. When I got nearer, I laughed.

“I was only kidding,” I assured him.

He smiled back, looking at me as if he’d never seen me before…as if he was taking in my face for the first time.

“I know,” was all he said as he stroked my cheek with the back of his hand, his dark skin contrasting on my fair complexion.

I looked at him in confusion, turning my head slightly as I furrowed my brow.

“What is it, Jacob?” I asked silently, touching his face to covey my question. He didn’t shrink back. Without saying a word, he jumped up onto the stone floor of the alcove and just stood there, looking back at me, obviously waiting for me to follow.

I leapt up and straightened my back, standing to face him, soaking wet and half-naked. Dad would have killed me if he’d known I’d let Jake see me like this before being married. He was, after all, kind of old fashioned.

Still, Jake said nothing.

“You’re sort of freaking me out right now,” I said as I watched his face, turning from awestruck to slightly nervous. “What’s going on?”

He didn’t say a word as he walked to the edge of the water, dipped his hand into it, and pulled something out. It was wrapped in a plastic bag so he removed it to reveal what it held. A small, circular box covered in dark blue velvet sat poised in his hands.

A ring box.

I gasped, putting my hand on my chest to brace myself. Everything clicked. Why Jake had brought me to such an amazing place with so many fond memories for him, a place so special. Why it had seemed like he’d planned everything out. Why he had been looking at me to strangely. Why he was holding a ring box.

He was proposing.

I gulped as he gazed down at me, opening the box to expose the simple but stunning antique diamond ring inside. I looked quickly from the ring to his face to the ring and back again. Taking the ring out and breathing in deeply, he began to speak.

“I have loved you since I first saw you. You have been the only thing that has given my life purpose and you are, now and forever more, the only woman I will ever love. I can’t live without you and I don’t plan on it.”

I was speechless.

“Will you, Renesmee Carlie Cullen, have my hand in marriage?” he asked softly, slipping the ring onto my finger to find that it fit perfectly.

I think that was when the first tear fell from my soft brown eyes. But I was smiling and, without even having to consider it, I knew my answer.

“Yes, Jake,” I managed as I kissed him, letting the words come out each time I took a breath. “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!”

I kissed him like I’d never kissed him before and he picked me up by the waist, lifting me into the air and twirling me around before he set me down on my feet. His kiss was deep, the rustic, sweet scent of him intoxicating as our lips were entwined.

Suddenly, I pulled away as a thought came into my head.

“Jake, you know how old-fashioned my Dad is,” I began shakily. “You did ask his permission to marry me, right?”

Silence.

This was going to be one hell of a week. The beginning of the rest of my life with Jacob. My seventh birthday. And my father, murdering my fiancé when he finds out about our unapproved engagement. Great. I was going to be a widow before I even got married.


_________________
Don't tell me you love me unless you really mean it because I might do something crazy like believe it.

The Story or Esme Cullen: A Series
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
KailaMarie   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

36
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 15 Jul 2008
Posts: 318
Reviews: 36

900 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 1:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love the ending of this. It was perfect. BUT there were a few little nitpicks about gesters and kind of how they reacted to each other like,
Quote:
I gulped and sighed in desire at the same time
I don't think that is physically possible.


Quote:
He looked stunned, his jaw dropped in surprise. I smiled at him and swam closer again. When I got nearer, I laughed.

they were just kissing, so I don't know how she would be able to swim closer...


Quote:
After our lips parted, he grinned again and grabbed my wrist, pulling me through the forest with such ease that only a werewolf and a vampire hybrid would pull off. We leapt in unison over logs and sped along too fast for the human eye to see anything other than a blur. I watched as the moonbeams hit our hair as we moved, shining on his black crop-cut and my lengthy bronze curls, and felt one with nature as well as my soul mate. We moved in the same steps, as if one of us were a mirror reflection of the other. I didn’t really pay too much attention to it anyways, wondering instead where Jake was taking me.

this was a really good paragraph, except for the last sentence, which I thought was out of place. It broke the tone.


And at first it felt kind of creepy/pedophilish, but that's just because I was a little iffy about it in the book too. You wrote it really well, and I liked it a lot. I would love to read more, if this is continued. =]

and like I said before, the ending was perfect. Amazing. I loveloveloved it. =D

_________________
"My family is a truck driver sometimes."
"I'm smarter than a popsicle stick!"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Sunny   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

8
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 14 Sep 2008
Posts: 28
Reviews: 8
Country: On the edge
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 2:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awww, I loved it! Really nice job!

Quote:
Dad would have killed me if he’d known I’d let Jake see me like this before being married.


Protectivly dad-ness. Smile

I didn't find much grammar errors or any other error, really. The ending was perfect - I loved it, loved it, loved it! I can't wait for more! You did a really really nice job! *gold star*

Good luck!

Sunny
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
StarDuster   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

33
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 26 Aug 2008
Posts: 61
Reviews: 33
Country: Someone's Imagination
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 2:45 pm    Post subject: review Reply with quote

Wow. Just wow.

As soon as the whole thing started with Jacob imprinting with Renessmee, I had hoped Stephenie Meyer would write a story about the two of them. I thought it would be an amazing love story, a half-vampire, half-human in love with a werewolf.

I didn't really think anyone could pull it off except her, but you certainly did.

This was amazing. I really really loved it. I would love to read some of your other stuff. Amazing.

I got so caught up in the story, that I don't remember if there was anything wrong.

Keep writing.

_________________
"With every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Kaylyn   View This User's Portfolio
Southern Girl
Speaker of the Forum

166
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 15 Aug 2008
Posts: 762
Reviews: 166
Country: Forests of Raiyne
420 Points

PostPosted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 11:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great story *applaudes*

BUT.... yes here it comes.

You need to cut down the number of I's your using. You had more sentances starting with I than not. Just something to help. Smile

If you have any questions about any of this just PM me and I'll be glad to help. I also had a story on Renesme, it was actually right after yours. (I didn't mean to do that!) Anyways its more focused on Nessie anyways.

Good luck writing and I hope to see more of your works!

*gold star*

_________________
The biggest lie told in high school:
That was my last piece. Smile

Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
http://www.kaylynstout.googlepages.com/books
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
pshhxhoney   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

27
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 02 Sep 2008
Posts: 190
Reviews: 27

269 Points

PostPosted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 6:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is really good! I love the Twilight series and its helps that you a good writer! This is really good! I love it! I want to read more!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger
KookieKatie   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

53
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Feb 2008
Posts: 84
Reviews: 53
Country: America
191 Points

PostPosted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 6:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a really good piece, and finding inspiration in another writer's work is always a good trait to have, especially for a young budding writer.

Just one thing - things like talking about Renesmee's natural night-vision should be subtle, otherwise it comes off sounding cheesy and tacky.

Other then that, it was really good. A spectacular opening for Stephenie Meyer's next novel, I think. Smile And a great ending.

Good work, keep writing!

-KK

_________________
Peepsls on this website ought not to be so hatin against other writers!

It's hella hard just to post your stuff to this place, yo!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Miss Slade   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

5
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 23 Sep 2008
Posts: 183
Reviews: 5
Country: Where PB&J Live As One
213 Points

PostPosted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay I'd actually have to say that this is actually one of the better Twilight fanfics I've read off of the internet, but still, in my opinion I hardly see Renesmee and Jacob ending up together, I more or so see the two as siblings. Plus, if this wasn't just something random out of Jacob's head then wouldn't Edward have known about their love for each other in this way beforehand?

_________________
You Crie, I Crie.
You Laugh, I Laugh.
You Jump Off Of A Cliff, I Laugh... Even Harder.

There Are Two Means Of Refuge From The Miseries Of Life: Music & Cats {Albert Schweitzer}
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Embroswyn15   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

5
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Sep 2007
Posts: 50
Reviews: 5
Country: USA
380 Points

PostPosted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

miss anonymous, this fanfic is heavily related to main events in breaking dawn. if you haven't read it, then if you do you will understand the piece better than if you have not gotten the chance to read it.

_________________
Don't tell me you love me unless you really mean it because I might do something crazy like believe it.

The Story or Esme Cullen: A Series
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
JosephDean   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

30
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Sep 2008
Posts: 129
Reviews: 30
Country: USA.
840 Points

PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 12:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Most of the things that I found have already been mentioned. However...

Quote:
...his smooth russet skin...


There should be a comma between smooth and russet. When you have multiple adjectives modifying the same noun, you place commas between them.

I think that there was a spelling mistake I found, but looking back, I can't seem to find it.

I'm a huge Twilight fan, and this story actually seemed to do it justice. I'm glad to see a Twilight fanfic that doesn't tear the series apart, lol.

Can't wait to read more Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger ICQ Number
KJ   View This User's Portfolio
She moves in mysterious ways...
Speaker of the Forum

466
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 644
Reviews: 466
Country: USA
170 Points

PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 7:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Renesme (I know that's not how you spell it but I'm too lazy to go look) seems much more confident in the book. I mean, I know this is fanfiction, but you said it's heavily related to the book. This Renesme seems far too surprised, uncertain, shy. Also, if you're trying to keep it like B.D., why don't you have her use her mind-picture powers?

There was just one other thing, and I don't know if this is just mean or critical: It's corny, often throughout. The whole, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" thing... I can't see R saying that.

But I do like the physical aspects of their romance - Jacob always seemed very physical.

Also, I too enjoyed the ending. It was fun Smile

Keep writing.

_________________
I need critiques on my story Because: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36505.html

An author in his book must be like God in the universe, present everywhere and visible nowhere ~Gustave Flaubert
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
BrokenWings   View This User's Portfolio
Novice



Age: 14
Joined: 11 Sep 2008
Posts: 13
Reviews: 0

300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 11:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

noooooooo jacob black is MINE!
stupid renesmee...
haha just joking =]
This was really great and i really enjoyed it. keep up the great work! Very Happy

_________________
<a href="http://dragcave.net/viewdragon/1SD7"><img src="http://dragcave.net/image/1SD7.gif" style="border-width: 0" alt="Adopt one today!"/></a>
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
p0lishtheworld   View This User's Portfolio
Novice

9
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 27 Sep 2008
Posts: 13
Reviews: 9

300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 12:50 am    Post subject: My critique Reply with quote

Oh, I love love loved it!
Sorry I can't really give any good literary critique because I was kind of 'in the moment' while reading it. It was so PERFECT!!
The last part made me laugh out loud!
And she was seven years old, hahaha!
But it was just so romantic. And the characters were completely in character,too.
Very nice job.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
DreamyMoon   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

8
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 13 Sep 2008
Posts: 23
Reviews: 8
Country: England
238 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 7:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow is all i have to say tbh
That was really really good, it kept me drawn in, and my mind totally picked up where breaking dawn had left off last night.
You have totally captured the story, taking the plot into your own hands, the fact that it is obviously writen in your own individual sytle and not Stephanies is good cos its not bella telling the story, it reneseme and it shows a change in character..

Bring me more? Smile
xxxx

_________________
Why ruin a present happiness by a distant misery that may never even come at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
StolenHearts.   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

25
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Posts: 125
Reviews: 25
Country: Oahu
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 6:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good day Embroswyn15,

There were some mistakes but, most of them have been corrected so I'll just say I really enjoyed this. Though i think of Renesmee way differently then you do. What happened to her mind powers? I think of Renesmee as a girl that is like her mother in some ways but, different. I believe she shouldn't have acted so surprised, or done the corny, "Yes, yes, yes!" thing, maybe you should have made her kind of like her Dad. Like make her subtle and think twice about her actions, be polite and show little emotion. I'm glad you showed her love for Jacob, it reminded me of Bella's love for Edward.

Well other then that I really liked it, just think of relating to the book more.

With all due respect,

Mackenzie

_________________
Breath.beat, beat.
blink. breath.
beat. blink, blink.
gone.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on September 14, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction All times are GMT
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on September 14, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, If you can't describe what you are doing as a process, you don't know what you're doing. - W. Edwards Deming
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society