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BigBadBear
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 Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 4:03 am Post subject: Who is that Man on the Cross? |
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This is for Kylan's Spark! contest.
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Who is that man on the cross?
What has he done to you?
Why does he hang so silently?
When will this all be through?
There’s a crown on his head,
though it doesn’t sparkle with jewels.
The thorns are like fire,
and the pain overrules.
As I read the sign,
I’m no longer confused:
Jesus of Nazareth
The King of the Jews.
I politely nudge
a man standing from me across.
I ask him, “Why do you mock
the man on the cross?
What has he done to you?
Why does he hang so silently?
When will this all be through?”
The man turns away
and ignores my questions.
He walks through the crowd
and spews out suggestions.
“Let’s stone him ‘til he’s dead!
Let’s spear him in the head!
The man is a filthy liar.”
The cheers begin to swell
and the King lifts up his head.
I’ll never forget the words
which the King of Nazareth said:
“Forgive them, Father,
for they know not what they do.”
I could see the tears in his eyes,
and shortly after, his life was through. |
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Last edited by BigBadBear on Sun Sep 14, 2008 9:01 pm; edited 5 times in total |
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writer_ally_reader
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 12:47 pm Post subject: |
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wow. I thought that was really good! I liked it a lot. It has a nice flow to it from beginning to end. I really felt the powerful emotions of the crowd. My favourite parts are the last two sections!
The cheers began to swell
and the King lifted up his head.
I’ll never forget the words
which the King of Nazareth said:
“Forgive them, Father,
for they know not what they do.”
I could see the tears in his eyes,
and shortly after, his life was through.
I love reading this story from different points of veiw. Great Job!! |
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bisquit
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 6:10 pm Post subject: |
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wow, Firstly, this was amazingly well written.  so powerful and touching. good job.
i love how you begin with questions; it really kickstarts the poem
um, just a few pointers if i may...
'I’m not longer confused:' i think it should be 'I'm no longer confused'
and also, maybe in the second from last stanza, you should avoid using the word King twice? maybe...ruler or lord?
only a suggestion as it isnt a major flaw or anything!
really great work with this poem!
hope i have helped!
bisquit |
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Matt Bellamy
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 8:27 pm Post subject: |
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There’s a crown on his head,
though it doesn’t sparkle with jewels.
The thorns are like fire,
and the pain overrules. |
The second line seems a little long and breaks the flow slightly.
I would put "It is" at the beginning of this line.
| Quote: |
I politely nudge
a man standing from me across.
I ask him, “Why do you mock
the man on the cross? |
Here, the first line seems too short and the second seems too long, so I would change this somehow to make them flow a bit better. Also, "standing from me across" doesn't make much sense, so needs to be reworded, and I don't like the repetition of across/cross here.
| Quote: |
| and begins spewing out suggestions. |
I would change this to "and spews out suggestions" to make it flow a bit better.
| Quote: |
The cheers began to swell
and the King lifted up his head.
I’ll never forget the words
which the King of Nazareth said: |
You changed from present to past tense in this stanza.
| Quote: |
“Forgive them, Father,
for they know not what they do.”
I could see the tears in his eyes,
and shortly after, his life was through. |
The last line seems slightly long, and a little abrupt, and kind of...casually worded.
Apart from those bits I pointed out, this is very well written. Well done. |
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Tusker93
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 8:58 pm Post subject: |
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That was fantastic. I've not got much to say except you should write more like this  !
It flowed, the rhyming was great, the imagery spot on - it was just a pleasure to read. A couple stanzas had only three lines and it broke it a little bit but it didn't distract from the imagery that much.
If I was a teacher marking this I'd give it an A* - just wow. |
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Conrad Rice
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| Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 1:05 am Post subject: |
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| This is not a bad piece, Jared. It works very nicely as a religious poem. Bear in mind that I haven't read Kylan's contest, so I have no idea what he's asking for. But I like the way you speak simply and plainly about something that most people only speak about in hushed tones. I'm not really advocating sacrilege, but I've never heard people speaking plain about this particular subject, and it does work. Points for that. Hope you do well in the contest. |
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Fire Light
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| Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 11:07 am Post subject: |
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Hmm... wow...
This is amazing. i actually started to cry, which is really rare.
Just two thing aside from what everyone else said: In
"I politely nudge
a man standing from me across.
I ask him, “Why do you mock
the man on the cross?
What has he done to you?
Why does he hang so silently?
When will this all be through?”
i think you need a " before "What has he done to you?", although not sure, 'cause it's poetry. And also, in
"The cheers begin to swell
and the King lifts up his head.
I’ll never forget the words
which the King of Nazareth said:"
As Matt Bellamy said, this is from tense to tense. Maybe the first "the" could be replaced bye "as" or "when". Hoped this helped...
Again, wow... |
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BlondeTwiggy
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:45 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, I have to comment on this :]
It was intense, almost made me cry, really, you have worded it so well.
The meter is off in some stanzas, but someone already talked about that.
My problem with most "religious poetry" is that the wording is usually too generic for my tastes, but yours is memorable because it places you, the speaker, at that exact moment, relating to others there as well. |
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wombat
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 4:54 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow, I really loved this poem. That story has been told to me so many times in so many different ways every Easter but I think this one is my favourite. A few lines disturbed the flow a little but you've already been told that and I think overall, the poem was amazing |
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CrisCaraway
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| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 3:39 pm Post subject: |
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Wow,
Seriously WOW. I really liked the way you told the poem from a child's point of view.
It was a really effective poem. Well done.
Poor Jesus.
Well done, keep writing.
C.C
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lhighton
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 12:18 pm Post subject: |
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I thought it was good - flowed well, loved the part:
| Quote: |
As I read the sign,
I’m no longer confused:
Jesus of Nazareth
The King of the Jews. |
It sounded catchy.
However, there was something kind of... manufactured about it. It could have been a lot more touching and deep. Atm, it sounds like something from a musical. But promising! |
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mtempleton
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 5:48 pm Post subject: |
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I don't know what to say.
Your poem was very touching. I don't know if it could have been more touching if it hadn't rhymed.
First two lines of stanza 4 a little forced maybe - but don't change the point of view. It very original to try and tell the story in this way. I think trying to actually describe the pain of being crucified, what must have gone through His mind, will always be demeaning.
Last ling Stanza 8. This is going to sound really nit picky but I like "that the king of Nazereth said" rather than "which".
The crucifixion I guess is always going to be a difficult subject to cover. I feel moved by this in ways which sermons at easter sometimes don't achieve. Thank you. |
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Cjean
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 5:38 pm Post subject: |
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wow; i love this. i'm not even a religious person too much but this was touching. i think it was put together very nicely and i love the rhyme, not a whole lot of people can pull that off without making it sound cheesy or something.
great work! |
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