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This thread was created on September 13, 2008
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If he was mine
Topic ID: 35956
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MissAngle
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 13 Sep 2008
Posts: 18
Reviews: 6
300 Points
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 Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 7:15 pm Post subject: If he was mine |
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I know he loves you
I see it in his eyes
he believes he has found
the right love in you
So please will you hold him tight
will you keep him warm from
the cold at night
like I would do if he was mine
So maybe I really wasn`t right for him
but I still wish him all the best
that he could ever get
So promise me you`ll be his shelter
if he needs a place to hide
promise me you`ll dry his tears
if he ever should cry
like I would do if he was mine
Just stay by his side
Without any lies
Take him as a special gift
that is given only once
like I would do if he was mine |
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bisquit
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 107
Reviews: 64
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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not only lyrics but definately poetry. it is short, sweet and very well written. 
you are missing a question mark after the word night in this sentence 'So please will you hold him tight
will you keep him warm from
the cold at night'
this is really really great and actually very emotional from the writers sense. you have captured a lot of feeling from this
well done
hope i have helped
bisquit |
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BrokenSoul
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 03 Sep 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 12
0 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 10:09 pm Post subject: |
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i really really really really really really really really really really really realy really really really really really really really really like it.
it is very emotional and i can feel ewhat you are feeling good job! |
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thunder_dude7
I am pure AWESOMNESS!!!111one
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Oct 2007
Posts: 1825
Reviews: 40
Country: That one on the left...
627 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 12:48 am Post subject: |
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I really like this. It's too short to be a song, but this is very beautiful and sweet. Nice work. You have some serious potential.
Oh, no. I'm tempted to copy this and use it in my musical. It would fit so well if I changed the gender tags...
Oh, one little thing:
| Quote: |
| if he ever should cry |
I think you should change this to "If he should ever cry". It will flow a bit better.
Other than that, this was outstanding. Nice work!
*Stars* |
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| This thread was created on September 13, 2008 |
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