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OverEasy
Rawr! I big scary monster! *stomp stomp stomp*
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 Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 6:14 pm Post subject: My Skin |
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I wrote this a while ago and posted it on another site (*gasp* o.O... there are other sites?) under a different name.
I love this piece, but parts of it still need some work.
Take a look 
A past I would rather forget
clings to my skin—
I struggle to chip it away, layer by layer.
Beneath this film
boils oozed, soars festered.
Past pains and fears
creating a cowering child of me.
A hardened coating covers
that terror infested creature.
Shaped through years of
self loathing—self torment.
I fear what I will
see when the last bits
of dried rotted goop
flake from my skin.
Each layer adheres to me,
I scrape against them with my nails,
wanting to tear my way free.
I stand in the shower for
hours on end, scrubbing
furiously at regrets and
guilt. I hit my knees in desperation—
it won’t come off.
Tears stream down my face
as I rip at my skin,
wanting only atonement—
to be rid of the guilt
that crashes down on me.
A calming hand
runs down my back, and the
first coat comes free.
I look up to find sweet blue eyes
inspecting me, my puffy red
face full of panic.
His thumb brushes my cheek,
And the next layer flows
off my skin.
His hands run down my arms,
another layer.
His fingers tangle in my hair,
another layer.
His lips touch mine,
another layer.
He pulls me into his embrace,
I look down and find my skin
is clear and bright,
the hardened tissue washed
away from his touch.
I catch my reflection in the mirror,
I am beautiful. |
_________________
"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times I’m hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure don’t deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe
Last edited by OverEasy on Sat Sep 13, 2008 10:32 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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bisquit
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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i understand why you love this piece. it really is very good. well done. there are so many great points to make. where to begin? hmm.
firstly, i love the whole storyline of the piece. its really beautifully written.
so in general, yes i love it!
there are one or two things i would like to point out from a readers perspective, but if u are happy with them as a writer, that is more important.
Firstly, i wasnt sure about the 'me' in the line where it says...'creating a cowering child of me.'
it might just be me so dont worry . hehe
im sorry i couldnt be much help but in all honesty, i love it!
bisquit |
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Dreamwriter
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 10:16 pm Post subject: |
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I liked the way you emphasized your own agony so severely, and then a few simple touches take away all the pain. Sometimes it takes the love of others to make you love yourself.
Ooh, that was cheesy.
Yeah, I liked this a lot. You had good descriptions, an easy kept beat, and I loved your theme. Keep it up. |
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xyberangel
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 6:00 am Post subject: |
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Hi I liked the way you described the pain, down to gory details  and the simple touches, that a single special person could free you, as your troubles are magnified out of proportion alone.
| Quote: |
of dried rotted goop (scab)
flake from my skin. |
goop seems such an unrefined way of describing it sounds like a blob or playdough, and the line that follows decriping it as flaking, seems to suggest a texture thats more solid, like a scab or incrustation.
| Quote: |
furiously at regrets and
guilt. I hit my knees in desperation— |
this should be phrased better like
furiously at regrets and guilt.
I hit my knees in desperation—
or
furiously at regrets and
guilt.
I hit my knees in desperation—
since both guilt doesnt directly relate to the desperation, its more of the sum of being overwhelmed which brings her to her knees.
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I catch my reflection in the mirror,
I am beautiful. |
this line doesnt give the fullest impact, because the whole poem wasnt really about beauty, it was more about being free from the past, so maybe ending could be
I catch my reflection in the mirror,
I'm free
which allows the character to reach the correct conclusion relating to the beginning
apart from the nitpicks I think its a well written poem,
~Flora |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 2:48 pm Post subject: Re: My Skin |
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As everyone has already said, the best thing about this poem is the idea behind it - something as simple as a few touches removes these layers of pain.
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A past I would rather forget
clings to my skin—
I struggle to chip it away, layer by layer.
Beneath this film
boils oozed, soars festered. |
Here, the words 'cling', 'chip' and 'film' seem to contradict each other. A 'film' doesn't seem like something you could chip away.
| Quote: |
Past pains and fears
create a cowering child of me. |
| Quote: |
I fear what I will
see when the last bits
of dried rotted goop
flake from my skin. |
I agree with xyberangel with 'goop' and 'flake'. It's a bit like 'film' and 'chip' at the beginning.
| Quote: |
Each layer adheres to me.
I scrape against them with my nails,
wanting to tear my way free.
I stand in the shower for
hours on end, scrubbing
furiously at regrets and
guilt. I hit my knees in desperation—
it won’t come off. |
I would specify 'it' in that last line. I think it should technically be 'they' because it refers to the regrets and guilt, which are plural, but then it might sound like her knees won't come off. 
| Quote: |
Tears stream down my face
as I rip at my skin,
wanting only atonement—
to be rid of the guilt
that crashes down on me.
A calming hand
runs down my back, and the
first coat comes free.
I look up to find sweet blue eyes
inspecting me, my puffy red
face full of panic. |
That description seems more like something a third person would say. Since this is in first person, it makes me think, 'How does she know that's what she looks like?'
| Quote: |
He pulls me into his embrace.
I look down and find my skin
is clear and bright,
the hardened tissue washed
away from by his touch.
I catch my reflection in the mirror:
I am beautiful. |
I also agree with xyberangel about the final line and message. It was pain and guilt eating away at her, not so much issues with self-confidence or appearance.
I liked the simple way you wrote 'another layer', to show her pain being washed away. I also liked:
| Quote: |
Tears stream down my face
as I rip at my skin,
wanting only atonement—
to be rid of the guilt
that crashes down on me. |
The word 'crashes' to describe the guilt almost makes it become the water that pours over her in the shower. The continuation of that imagery was well done. |
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KookieKatie
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| Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 7:02 pm Post subject: |
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This reminds me of the part in The Chronicles of Narnia where Aslan appears and takes the dragon skin off of Edwin (is that what his name is? The mean kid who shows up later... anyways..) was this based off of that?
An amazing poem, to put it simply. Great work!!
Next time, try to be more specific.
(sorry there's not more to read, but I'm in a rush -- good work!!)
-KK |
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OverEasy
Rawr! I big scary monster! *stomp stomp stomp*
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| Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 11:28 pm Post subject: |
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| KookieKatie wrote: |
This reminds me of the part in The Chronicles of Narnia where Aslan appears and takes the dragon skin off of Edwin (is that what his name is? The mean kid who shows up later... anyways..) was this based off of that?
-KK |
Nope, I've never even read those books before.  This was just based off me. |
_________________
"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times I’m hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure don’t deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe |
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nightmask
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 8:42 pm Post subject: |
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| I really love this is expresses so much emotion and panic I really liked it when the guy was the only one able to take off her layers of skin (wow that came out wrong lol) great job! |
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XxxDo
Oh, life..
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 11:41 am Post subject: |
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Wow.
*is speechless and awed by the beauty of the poem*
Love the poem, absolutely love it!
Normally I'm not so much into poetry, but I think you may have just changed my general opinion of poetry!
You've worked the emotion into it so vividly that I was actually speechless when I'd finished reading it. I love how he takes away the layers, and makes her feel so much better. Hope you really found the boy/man (  ) who can take those layers away, and that this is based on reality. That would be beatiful, and you sure deserve someone like that in your life.
The poem is amazing!
XxxDo |
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xGraceex
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 11:48 am Post subject: wow |
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| That was beautiful, so inspiring, magic i loved it, i loved how you described your pain so well, instead of the usual "gaping hole in my heart" it was a more physical thing, the boils and sours and all the layers having to be chipped away. So much pain and how just one person changed it all at the end, making you beautiful. The last line was so wonderful, it ended the poem perfectly and right at this moment i am going to see what other stuff you have written amazing! |
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oneeyedunicornhunter
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 3:32 pm Post subject: Re: My Skin |
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| OverEasy wrote: |
A past I would rather forget
clings to my skin—
I struggle to chip it away, layer by layer.
Beneath this film
boils oozed, soars festered. |
EWWWW!
| Quote: |
Past pains and fears
create a cowering child of me.
A hardened coating covers
that terror infested creature.
Shaped through years of
self loathing—self torment.
I fear what I will see
when the last bits
of dried rotted goop
flake from my skin. |
You really are trying to gross out the reader, aren't you? I understand symbolism, but I can't help imagining what you describe.
Woah, this poem is long. *buckles down*
Oh, and I'm making edits as I go.
| Quote: |
Each layer adheres to me.
I scrape against them with my nails,
wanting to tear my way free.
I stand in the shower for
hours on end, scrubbing
furiously at regrets and guilt.
I hit my knees in desperation—
it won’t come off.
Tears stream down my face
as I rip at my skin,
wanting only atonement—
to be rid of the guilt
that crashes down on me.
A calming hand
runs down my back, and the
first coat comes free.
I look up to find sweet blue eyes
inspecting me, my puffy red
face full of panic.
His thumb brushes my cheek,
And the next layer flows
off my skin.
His hands run down my arms,
another layer.
His fingers tangle in my hair,
another layer.
His lips touch mine,
another layer.
He pulls me into his embrace,
I look down and find my skin
is clear and bright,
the hardened tissue washed
away from his touch.
I catch my reflection in the mirror,
I am beautiful. |
Mmmhmm. I'm liking the ending.
This really captures the effect a loving hand can have on one. Although I can't figure out what is making the narrator feel so guilty and dirty...but I guess it doesn't matter very much anyway.
I didn't edit much...In fact, I didn't edit anything in the last part.
Very nice. If you edit this, please PM me, I'd like to read it again. |
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