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This thread was created on September 13, 2008
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Look inside of me
Topic ID: 35949
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MissAngle
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 13 Sep 2008
Posts: 18
Reviews: 6
300 Points
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 Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 5:53 pm Post subject: Look inside of me |
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I`ve heard you saying
that I`m ugly
and that Im not really atractive
It makes me sad
that you have closed your eyes
so you don`t have
a chance to see
the person I am inside
Look inside of me
and you will see
that every person`s
beauty is really
in her soul and heart
Altough outside I
may be ugly ducklin
inside I may be a person sparklin
and the sun is always shinin above me
Look inside of me
and you will see
that every persons beauty
is really in her soul and heart |
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bisquit
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 107
Reviews: 64
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 6:07 pm Post subject: |
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its true and i will use the old phrase...dont judge a book by its cover. this is really nice and has a clear message  good work
as was with ur other poem i recently read, i think you are really lacking in punctuation. without it, the reader reads through so quickly that things cant really be taken in as well and sometimes dont make sense.
secondly, in your first verse, i think it may be an idea to edit it a bit becuase unnatractive and ugly are the same thing. just a thought.
spelling error-in the 4th verse you spelt although wrong. it should be as i spelt it.
those are just a few points that i think may help you
otherwise, good work |
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KookieKatie
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Feb 2008
Posts: 84
Reviews: 53
Country: America
191 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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This is a moving and heartfelt poem because it happens to every girl where they feel like everyone is judging them based on what they look like, and every girl feels those feelings of insecurity. It's obviously an inspired poem.
However, this poem holds no real rhythm or rhyme. While it's clear you tried, some things need to be changed. I would definitely keep working on this piece - it's really great!!
Keep up the good work!
-KK |
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Peepsls on this website ought not to be so hatin against other writers!
It's hella hard just to post your stuff to this place, yo! |
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nightmask
Novice
Age: 14
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 12
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:30 am Post subject: |
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| I think this is how most people feel they want people to see the amazing tragic stories with in themselves and they want the person the show it to, to be wonderful to them |
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watch me as I float away leaving my lifeless body behind leave my wounded heart unmeneded just as you intended leave my timeless love alone you ripped out my heart and stole it but I just cried and smiled "you can keep it" I'll never love again. |
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| This thread was created on September 13, 2008 |
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