Topic ID: 35942
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Fellow
Senior Writer
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180 Points
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 Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 2:35 pm Post subject: Breaking Glasses |
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Go on! Say your goodbyes!
They are filled with promises and lies.
I can feel your wrath,
It takes just one breath.
I don't care what you say,
I mind my own way,
Through the park - so old
With the sky - so cold.
I`m tired of your eyes.
Everytime they watch my cries.
I gave you trust,
But you gave me stardust.
You dragged me through hell on my knees,
I yelled and cried "Please!"
But no...
I beg of you! Just go.
____________
My first poem  |
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Last edited by Fellow on Sun Sep 14, 2008 8:31 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Searria H.
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608 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 3:09 pm Post subject: |
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Nice poem. I'm not much of a poetry writer myself, but we had to do a lot of it in school once.
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| Go on! Say you goodbyes! |
your
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| I can fell your wrath |
I'm pretty sure you mean "feel"
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| They, everytime, watch my cries. |
You might want to rephrase this. I might say, "Every time, they watch mine cry"
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| You dragged me through hell in my knees, |
"on my knees"
Your rythm is a little undefined. try tapping your foot and saying the poem in rythym.
Good first poem. Much better than my first poems. 
Keep writing!
-Sea- |
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Lord Anzius
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482 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 8:27 am Post subject: |
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Ahh. So you started poems now 
Great. Great work (as always.)
Dramatic. Well written, all in all.
Continue the greát work.
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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE  |
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Fellow
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Chirantha
The boy genius.
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 12:31 pm Post subject: |
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Did you know? This doesn't rhyme like a poem. This is more like a rock song.
Good work.
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| Go on! Say your goodbyes! |
I don't know but the apostrophies doesn't seem to suit this.
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I can feel your wrath,
It takes just one breath. |
I cut the 'just' as it doesn't flow well with verse.
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| I mind my own way, |
This should be a period not a comma.
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I`m tired of your eyes.
Everytime they watch my cries. |
This should be 'watch me cry'
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| But you gave me stardust. |
The 'stardust' part doesn't suit this.
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But no...
I beg of you! Just go. |
Maybe put, "Just let go"
I liked your poem, and as I told you I sang it like a rock song. Great work.
Well done.  |
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Fellow
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 12:44 pm Post subject: rock song |
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haha ... Rock song you say? *giggle* maybe i`ll put it at the lyric stuffs  |
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KookieKatie
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| Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 6:53 pm Post subject: |
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I love your imagination, word choice, passion, and feeling. You are, truly, a great writer.
If you are looking to edit or just to improve your next poem, try working on your rhythm - it didn't quite fit right, and that's distracting and irritating to a reader.
Great work -- you're amazing!! 
-KK |
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lilchoma
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 3:55 am Post subject: |
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| i like it. for a very first poem, this is great. i very much like that it has a rhyme scheme, but at the same time, it's not a solid repetitive rhyme scheme, like shakespeare's iambic pentameter. (not that there is anything wrong with iambic pentameter. in fact i quite enjoy it myself). But yes, very very good first poem. |
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