Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

The Top 25!

Favorite part of writing?
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Because - Chap. 14
Because - Chap. 14

by KJ in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on September 13, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
My book The Mansion chptr 1
The Mansion Chapter 2
The Mansion Chapter 3
The Mansion chapter 5
The Mansion chaptr 6 part 1
The Mansion chaptr 6 part 2

The mansion chptr 4

Topic ID: 35930
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Lord Anzius   View This User's Portfolio
Speaker of the Forum

80
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Aug 2008
Posts: 623
Reviews: 80
Country: Finland I think?
482 Points

PostPosted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 4:25 am    Post subject: The mansion chptr 4 Reply with quote

If you want to understand this you must read the 1-3 chapters of this book.

THE TWO THIEVES IN THE DARK

It was a dark night, one of the darkest of them all. It is on this kind of nights when these things happen.

We moved through the night as silently as we could.

There were a peculiarly great amount of cats in the area, around the shop.

Mike silently “danced” through the night, stepping on the stones that made no sounds.

Me on the other hand, inexperienced of silent moving made creeping sounds and great thumps on my every step.

“Mike, were here.” I whispered to him in the darkness. The gnome turned at me

“Where is it?” he asked in a whispering tone. I pointed to the tiny alleyway where the shop stood silently. The gnome nodded and continued its way to the door of the shop.

As he stood by the door he beckoned me to follow him. When I finally got to him he had one of his hands stretched out at me:

“The card.” He commanded me. I followed orders and put my hand into my pocket, as I pull my hand out I had a poker card in my hands, an ace hearts.

I silently but swiftly gave the card to Mike.

Mike moved his hands on the lock to-and-fro until we heard the tiniest distinguished sound from it… A tiny metallic click.

As we stepped in the candles flared into flames, in a magic like manner. I looked open mouthed. Even Mike seemed a bit surprised, but that did not take long.

“What was it that you wanted from here, Jack?” he asked “I want to get out of here. This place reeks of evil magic… Dark arts.” He explained his haste.

I looked around. I saw the sword on close to the cupboard.

I pointed at it. The gnome tilted his head, walked at it in a relaxed manner and lifted it.

That was about the same moment in which the great big crystal lamp on the ceiling dropped at the gnome, a shadowy figure seemed to move on the wall, and the owner stepped out of the STAFF ONLY room.

That was also when Mike jumped away from the lamp, the shadowy figure disappeared and when the owner noticed what was happening.

Mike ran at me full speed. “If we die today.” He said “I’m blaming you.”

I looked at him angry “This was your idea.” We ran to the door, I could hear a sound from behind me, which reminded me of a knife hitting a door; I picked up some more speed.

“I do not wish to alarm you, Jack.” But it seems though, he has found a bow and a few arrows.” Mike said. Mike sprinted in front of me “I’ll meet you home.” He stated and handed me the sword. He ran off sight. That was when an arrow hit the ground just next to me, missing me by sheer inches.

“Aw, shit!” I exclaimed in a grumpy manner

Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)


_________________
Boredom is a death sentence.
That is why I try to be crazy.
Crazy people aren't bored.
I wish I were more crazy.


Last edited by Lord Anzius on Sat Sep 13, 2008 11:26 am; edited 2 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Fellow   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

58
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Sep 2008
Posts: 187
Reviews: 58
Country: Romania
180 Points

PostPosted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 8:23 am    Post subject: Review Reply with quote

Quote:
It was a dark night, one of the darkest of them all. We moved through the night as silently as we could.


Thats all you can say about a night? Rolling Eyes - It was a dark, moonless, scary night. One of the darkest nights i`ve ever seen. It was like the night itself told us to get out of there.

Quote:
There were a peculiarly great amount of cats in the area, around the shop.


And...???? You were alergic to cats? Afraid that they will see you and become monster cats?

Quote:
Mike silently “danced” through the night, stepping on the stones that made no sounds. Me on the other hand, inexperienced of silent moving made creeping sounds and great thumps on my every step.


Nothing here.


Quote:
“Mike, were here.” I whispered to him in the darkness. The gnome turned at me

“Where is it?” he asked in a whispering tone. I pointed to the tiny alleyway where the shop stood silently. The gnome nodded and continued its way to the door of the shop.


"The gnome turned at me stopping his "silent dance"

Quote:
Mike ran at me full speed. “If we die today.” He said “I’m blaming you.”


*Roll on the floor laughing* Funny.

Quote:
I do not wish to alarm you, Jack.” But it seems though, he has found a bow and a few arrows.” Mike said. Mike sprinted in front of me “I’ll meet you home.” He stated and handed me the sword. He ran off sight. That was when an arrow hit the ground just next to me, missing me by sheer inches.

“Aw, shit!” I exclaimed in a grumpy manner


Nice ending. I would really like to see this chapter bigger. Thats all to point out.

_________________
Life is a song. You just need to know how to sing it.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic35881.html - Need reviews? Click!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Reuben A   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

32
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Aug 2008
Posts: 194
Reviews: 32
Country: South Africa
123 Points

PostPosted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 2:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

'The gnome turned at me' Not at, to.'as I pull my hand out I...' Pulled. 'As we stepped in the candles flared into flames, in a magic like manner' leave the 'the', because you haven't mentioned the candles before. Jeez! Have you tried to publish this yet? You would succeed if you try.

_________________
Don't juge a book by it's cover.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic37432.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Lord Anzius   View This User's Portfolio
Speaker of the Forum

80
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Aug 2008
Posts: 623
Reviews: 80
Country: Finland I think?
482 Points

PostPosted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No, the story is further than the script Razz

_________________
Boredom is a death sentence.
That is why I try to be crazy.
Crazy people aren't bored.
I wish I were more crazy.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on September 13, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on September 13, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Eat your vegetables. - Your Mom
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society