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Autumn Trees (my first sonnet)
Autumn Trees (my first sonnet)

by teenweirdo in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on September 12, 2008
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Renesme

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Kaylyn   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 10:48 pm    Post subject: Renesme Reply with quote

"The Volturi are coming again?" I heard my Mother ask Aunt Alice.

"Yes, but only Aro is coming this time, he wants to check on Renesme's progress and of course offer the invitation for us to join them," she replied with distaste.

Aunt Alice was wanted very much among the Volturi as was my parents and myself. She made it clear to me that the Volturi was something that our family wouldn't want to get involved in. We would be constantly used and never let go, she told me.

"When will he be here?"

"In a few days at the most."

Mother finally seemed to realize that I was there.

"Nessie, you remember Aro don't you?" she asked. As if I could forget them.

I showed her a flash of images, telling her that I did, in fact, remember Aro. She sighed when I had finished.

"I wasn't you to be on your best behaviour when he visits, understand?" I nodded my head.

She turned to Alice, "Let Carlisle and the rest of the family know, I'm sure Edward and Jacob knows and is on their way here already."

At that moment Father breezed through the door, and put his arms protectively around Mother and me.

"Alice are you sure Aro means no harm, you see it nowhere?" asked Father.

"You know how I am with Nessie," she said, "she is never clear in my minds eye, although it is easier as Nessie has been with us longer."

"Mother, I'll go let Jacob know, he'll want to know whats going on," I said wanting something to do, but knowing that he would probably follow right after Father.

Rarely did I leave the house, humans could not see me. It would raise more suspension than there was already. Luckily I had stayed in the same place my life, because Mother wanted me to stop growing before we moved.

Though I think the main reason was that she didn't want to leave Uncle Charlie behind. He visted me every week at least. Father disapproved of this, but let Mother have her way. I wanted to stay here also. I was in no hurry to leave my Uncle Charlie.

"No Nessie, Edward will do it," she said as she glanced at him. "I'm sorry but you're going to have to remain around the house until Aro gets here, its too dangerous."

"Mother, I am 15 years old in human years-"

She cut me off, "And only 4 in mine. So please stay inside, of at least around our cottage."

Jacob came through the door in his wolf form and Rosalie wrinkled her nose as she came down the staircase.

"It stinks like wet dog in here," she said as Jacob laughed. She glared at him. Rosalie spoiled me, well they all did, but Rosalie the most. They both turned to smile at me. As my family briefed them of what was happening they grew increasingly worried.

****

"Wake up Nessie," Mother said as she gently shook me awake with her familiar cold hands, "Aro is almost here. I want you to get dressed really nicely. When he gets here I want you to stay around me or Edward. The Volturi can be very dangerous people."

"Where's My Jacob?" I asked with worry, he should be here.

"He's waiting for you, so hurry and get dressed."

Putting on my clothes as fast I could, I thought about Jacob and the love I felt for him. Mother and Father told me that when I got older I would marry him. Rosalie of course would then cut them off and tell me I had a choise. Marriage was not an issue I needed to worry about now though.

The door opened and I smelled a strange aroma. That must be Aro, I finshed and went downstairs. He looked the same as our meeting four years ago. I shuddered and went and sat beside Jacob. Aro looked at us with disapproval. He could shove it, Jacob and I were none of his buisness anyways.

"Hello Renesme," he said attempting to be friendly.

Standing up, I crossed the room and showed him. He didn't jump as Uncle Charlie usually did, or anyone else that wasn't used to it. He looked at me with admiration when I finished.

"Remarkable," was all he could say.

Walking back to the couch seemed to take forever and I sat beside Jacob putting my hand in his, I looked into his deep eyes.

"Renesme, feel free to join us. We help keep the secret safe and you could help us. Of course, we would welcome you and your family he said looking around.

"No thank you," said Carlisle politely.

Aro sighed and stood up the same time I was hit with intense pain. "Jane stay away from her!" I heard Mother shout. Jacob snarled and phased. Someone grabbed me from behind. The last thing I heard was "Nessie" and all went black.


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Last edited by Kaylyn on Wed Sep 17, 2008 12:07 am; edited 5 times in total
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 2:32 am    Post subject: Re: Renesme Reply with quote

They're getting married already?
I didn't see any major spelling or grammar errors...however, Nessie didn't love Jacob from the start, he imprinted on her, she just liked him as a big brother.
Good work so far...more detail though

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 2:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like the idea, but it really must be A LOT LONGER. MAJOR MAJOR A LOT LONGER!!! I think you also need to somehow implement her gift into the story as that would be a really interesting aspect to hear in first person. Good luck!
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 12:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree, it needs to be much longer.
Good so far, but-
It's SUSPICIOUS, not SUSPESIOUS.
The sentence beginning with "I KEPT MY GIFT TO MYSELF..." is a little long. Chop it into two or three sentences.
Hope I could help. Keep writing.
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 1:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And in the book, she was younger, and called her parents mother and father, I think. don't call then Mama and Daddy, especially if she's supposed tobe the maturity level of a 21 year old. how many people that age call their parents mama and daddy? you could say mom and dad if you want it to be more casual than Mother and Father.

And it's good, but longer definitely. Maybe write more in depth instead of just like the over view.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 2:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Daddy homeschooled me so I never made any human contact with anyone, well except for Uncle Charlie and Jacob, but that was different.


I'm getting the feeling that you're saying Jacob is human...


Quote:
Mama told me we were moving before I got married because other were starting to get suspesious and a few had seen me before.


I think you mean 'others' and 'suspicious'

And at the beginnig you said that Nessie loved Jacob from the first. She didn't even know Jacob then, though. He imprinted on her (as tnme22 said)

I enjoyed it! But it needs to be really longer and fixed some.

Good luck!

Sunny
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 3:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, you helped me out lots guys, I'll get right on editing it!

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 3:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. Hmm. It's awkward to know a vampire, only 5 years old in human years, is getting married. Is she still the same size? Is she taller than that of a 5 year old? It just doesn't seem to work right with the story. All in all it was a great rough draft.
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 4:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

She is 5 years old in human years but physically and mentally she is 21. Anyways I am editing it majorly. I just wanted to see what people wanted to think about the idea before I spent to much time on it. I know its confusing about the age. You've read the Breaking Dawn right?

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 12:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's been edited 09-16-08

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I enjoyed it! I really would like more of the story actually. Renesme's character did seem a little off to me though. She was a little too mature in my eyes. The Mother and Father felt too formal. Besides that I thought it was great.

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 8:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

BIG MISTAKE.
You spelt the lead's name wrong.
Its spelt RENESMEE.
You missed out an 'E' at the end.
Better change that before you upset some overprotective Twilight fan!
Are you going to continue the story? Very Happy

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 10:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thats really great!!!
I like it.
A few things...
Why is is 'Uncle Charlie'?
Wouldnt it be grandpa?
And why does she call Carlilse by his first name. Wouldnt he also be grandpa?
The just one more small thing,
"I had a choise."
I'm in belief is should be choice.
:]
So that was the only actual error I found.
This was really cool! I am a total savage for the series, so reading this was really interesting!!!!

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2008 5:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry bout the name. *ducks head* Yeah, I'll make those changes

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2008 6:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's an interesting idea, but I agree with Kepe, it does need to be a lot longer. I'm not really seeing any new ideas. You have a great writing style, but I think I've read something like this on FanFiction.net. All you need to do is hook the reader and come up with an original, well-thought out idea, and you'll be in business!
Good luck!
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