Topic ID: 35912
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tnme22
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Posts: 303
Reviews: 80
Country: USA
1057 Points
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 Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 10:05 pm Post subject: Two by Two |
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Kay, so I'm really not much of a poet...
This just kind of came to me today during Algebra and I worked on it throughout the day...so, yeah...
They march us in, two by two
I can not breathe, I can not move
It’s freezing cold
They close the door
The engine starts
I’m stuck to the floor
I call out to find my friends
They do not answer
They’re probably dead
It smells so bad it makes me sick
There’s no fresh air
Please make it quit.
They turn off the engine and open the door
The living march out
The dead stay stuck to the floor
They heard us into a little dark room
Out of nowhere I am kicked
I cry, he laughs
Everyone is screaming in fear and agony
They don’t seem to care the men just think its funny
The torture continues, my screams grow weak
My poor, hard life is almost complete
I lay down on the floor in a crumpled mass
A man stares down and he just laughs
I wish I could talk and scream till he bleeds
Doesn’t he understand?
Doesn’t he care?
I look up into his cruel eyes.
Can’t you hear my screaming?
Don’t you see my tears?
I’m just a pig
I want to live
Please don’t let me die |
_________________
Sin has lost its power. Death has lost its sting. From the grave You've risen. Victoriously! Into marvelous light I'm running, out of darkness, out of shame. By the cross You are the truth, You are the light, You are the way.
~Proud Christian~ |
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xyberangel
Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 16 Oct 2007
Posts: 77
Reviews: 59
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 2:33 am Post subject: |
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When I was reading it it seemed like a soilder poem, and then by the final lines i realised it was about a pig.. which is a good twist.
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| They heard us into a little dark room |
herd not heard
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The living march out
The dead stay stuck to the floor |
these lines dont flow very well, maybe use
the dead stay
stuck to the floor.
Overall I like the ending, but the poem needs more imagery and emotion, in the last lines, when you ask if "doesnt he care?" I almost dont care, because the poem didnt really engage me emotionally, maybe you should show rather than tell more.
~Flora |
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Medusa
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 266
Reviews: 36
Country: the face of consumerism
847 Points
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| Posted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 9:50 pm Post subject: Re: Two by Two |
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It’s freezing cold
They close the door
The engine starts
I’m stuck to the floor |
This last sentence is awkward in the rhyming. It seems like you're trying to hard to make it fit perfectly. Don't worry about rhyming, we've stopped caring since the 50s. Write freely.
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I call out to find my friends
They do not answer
They’re probably dead |
No offense, but I almost laughed out loud at this. It seems like it wants to be sad, but the way that it is said makes the writer seem rather callous.
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It smells so bad it makes me sick
There’s no fresh air
Please make it quit. |
Be careful. You don't want to reach directly to the audience. See how there's an unspoken "you" here? You want to try and avoid that thing. It reminds the reader that this is a poem, and they end up stepping back from it rather than being absorbed in it.
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They turn off the engine and open the door
The living march out
The dead stay stuck to the floor |
Again with the rhyme scheme. If you must, freestyle. It feels like hooves on cement. Duda duda duda, over and over. Rather dry.
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They heard us into a little dark room
Out of nowhere I am kicked
I cry, he laughs |
This is the best part of the poem. I cry, he laughs--this is very good. You see? No rhyme scheme is good rhyme scheme, in this case at least.
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Everyone is screaming in fear and agony
They don’t seem to care the men just think its funny |
So by "they" who are you referring to? They (being the men) dont seem to care, and they're showing it by laughing? Or they (being the people) don't seem to care THAT the men are laughing?
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The torture continues, my screams grow weak
My poor, hard life is almost complete |
"complete" seems out of order here. "over" might be more appropriate, because completeing your life seems like you've come to the end of a long road instead of being cut off short with murder.
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I lay down on the floor in a crumpled mass
A man stares down and he just laughs |
The repetitive of people laughing makes the whole thing rather silly. I would choose another action of the agressor.
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Doesn’t he understand?
Doesn’t he care? |
These questions are superflous. Obviously, he doesnt care. Why would he laugh at you if he did?
WHOA. Literally or figuratively? I like the way this caught my attention. Awesome.
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I want to live
Please don’t let me die |
This ending is very weak. Please don't let me die is very simple for the elaborate way he is dying.
I heard this was a war poem. I thought you should read a poem by one of my favorite war poets for inspiration.
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)
Anthem For Doomed Youth
What passing-bells for these who die as cattle?
- Only the monstrous anger of the guns.
Only the stuttering rifles' rapid rattle
Can patter out their hasty orisons.
No mockeries now for them; no prayers nor bells;
Nor any voice of mourning save the choirs, -
The shrill, demented choirs of wailing shells;
And bugles calling for them from sad shires.
What candles may be held to speed them all?
Not in The hands of boys but in their eyes
Shall shine The holy glimmers of goodbyes.
The pallor of girls' brows shall be their pall;
Their flowers the tenderness of patient minds,
And each slow dusk a drawing-down of blinds.
--Wilfred Owen
Overall, I think it could use work. I know this is one of your first poems, which is great, because I know the ones to come will be great.
-Medusa. |
_________________
Alice: If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? |
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dannyr122
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 02 Dec 2008
Posts: 5
Reviews: 2
215 Points
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| Posted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 10:39 pm Post subject: |
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I think this is a clever idea.
The thing that i find detracts from the overall piece is the rhyming problem you have. You go in and out of rhyming at what seems like random points and this confused me. I thought the poem was clever and whitty and the twist at the end was very intelligent. Only i found the problem with rhyming meant it didn't flow properly.
if this was fixed it would be a superb poem!!!
I especially liked the part
"They turn off the engine and open the door
The living march out
The dead stay stuck to the floor"
I think it is very heart felt and meaningful. You really convey the cruelty and brutality of the whole affair in a gripping way!!
I will look out for and review other poems and stories of yours!!
Dan |
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