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sudz_amigo
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 Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 2:53 pm Post subject: Rain! |
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Rain Oh wonderful rain,
How I love thee!
Sitting in the house all day
Watching people on the roads flee.
Some people don't like to be
Cooped up inside and don't agree.
But i always welcome a Drizzle
a Thunderstorm or anything you might be.
I love to see a rainbow,
its colours spreading us joy,
Children shouting in glee,
and making us exclaim "Oh boy!"
Science explains that you visit
when there's more of water vapour deposit,
But your'e still a mystery to me.
A marvel,that someday,I hope,will unravel.
P.S. I know this is not so good.But it is a poem very dear to me as it was my first published piece(only in a local paper though).But I'd love to watch people's comments[b] on this!I'm ready to take your advice people!And even if you just read my poem....THANKS!! |
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Last edited by sudz_amigo on Sun Sep 14, 2008 6:48 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Matt Bellamy
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Ahh, my first poem I loved was about the rain too. I think this rhymed a little too much, I mean, eight out of thirteen lines rhymed with be, or thee, etc, so I think this could be varied a little. Also, I don't care much for "thee", or "o" ("oh" might be better), and I'm not sure why, maybe it's just a personal preference but it seemed kind of out of place here, a little old-fashioned while the rest of the poem wasn't very old-fashioned at all. I like the way you structured your lines, with the indentation, and there are some images that I think could be expanded, like children and rainbows, and drizzles versus thunderstorms - you say you love the rain, but you don't tell us why. So in short, pretty good, but your ideas could be expanded on. Keep writing. |
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writer_ally_reader
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 5:41 pm Post subject: |
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| Over all i liked it! short and sweet poems about normal everyday things usually bore me but this was OK! It sends out a pretty positive message and makes you feel happy... I think it could use a few more maybe descriptive words.. or just change a few of the words you have to enrich the poem more! I liked the first section better that the last five lines... They seemed to not have the same ring to them....but nice... |
Last edited by writer_ally_reader on Sat Sep 13, 2008 8:57 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Lord Anzius
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 5:45 pm Post subject: |
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RAIN. Who wouldn't like rain.
You published it already? neat.
Good for you!
LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE  |
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sudz_amigo
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 6:52 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks a lot for the reviews matt,writer_ally and lord anzius!!I have re-written the poem keeping in mind what yuhave suggsted(i tried to anyway!).How do you like the poem now? |
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Jannie
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 7:59 am Post subject: |
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short.poignant.sweet.
pretty poem.
i liked this.
it reminds me of my first poem, which was about rainbows. |
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sudz_amigo
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 8:16 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks Jannie!! |
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MissAngle
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 2:51 pm Post subject: |
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I like it a lot specially these lines:
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Rain Oh wonderful rain,
How I love thee!
Sitting in the house all day
Watching people on the roads flee.
Some people don't like to be
Cooped up inside and don't agree.
But i always welcome a Drizzle
a Thunderstorm or anything you might be. |
Oh so beautiful Well done! |
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sudz_amigo
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| Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 9:32 am Post subject: |
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| Thank you! |
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fun4eva
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 12:48 pm Post subject: |
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Hiii sudz!!
This piece was ok. Of course, you can do better if you try.
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| a Thunderstorm or anything you might be. |
Do not capitalize the "t".
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Science explains that you visit
when there's more of water vapour deposit,
But your'e still a mystery to me.
A marvel,that someday,I hope,will unravel. |
Also, here your lines do not rhyme. I know that poetry does not always have to rhyme...but in the previous verses you seem to have a pattern. The pattern is A,B,C,B....hope your getting what I mean.
In the last line, the pattern kinda doesn't exist.
Other than that, it was good. keep writing more and PM me when you do write something next! |
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CrisCaraway
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 2:57 pm Post subject: |
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Wow,
This was a really crazy poem, but strangely, I liked it.
I think you tried too hard to rhyme though:
[quote]Children shouting in glee
and making us exclaim "Oh boy"[quote]
Ok.... what was up with the Oh boy part, a bit odd. Awkward phrasing, I think.
I liked it because, that's how I feel about the rain when I'm in a crazy mood.
No, I really did like it. It made me laugh, in a good way.
C.C |
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sudz_amigo
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 5:53 pm Post subject: |
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Oh....well I'm really confused right now!! Some people are saying it rhymes too much and some people that it isn't rhyming properly!! I'm really confused !!
By the way..thanks cris,fun4eva and miss angle!!It really means a lot to me that you guys are taking the pains to not only read but review my work!!
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