Topic ID: 35890
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andrew.j.m
Junior Writer
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 Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 3:37 am Post subject: Remember the time? |
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Remember the time we first met? I do. It was the fourth of July.
Remember how I was so afraid to talk to you that I kept my eyes on the ground counting my steps, while you ran around with our friends and smiled the way you do.
You were smiling that smile you wear to try to keep all that sadness inside.
Remember when you came up to me and asked me what I thought about you? Remember how my mouth dropped open and no words came out?
I do.
Kind of ironic, isn't it? We met on Independence day and ever since then I've been dependent on you.
Remember the next time we saw each other? The time at his house where you were jumping on the couch and I walked by and you hopped on my back?
Do you know that I tried my hardest to keep from smiling like an idiot?
Remember when you first told me how you felt like you could tell me anything? That's one thing I won't forget.
Remember the first time we held hands?
Do you know that I was ready to burst? Do you know that I still think about that everyday?
Remember the time you forgot about me? Because if you do, I'd really like to know.
Do you remember the time I spilled my heart out to you?
Do you remember the time I saw you holding his hand?
Well that's another thing I won't be able to forget. |
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1dering at stars
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354 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 4:57 am Post subject: |
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*Rushes to give gold star*
I loved this! The way you wrote it makes me see it so vividly somehow, and more than that, feel it. It's very easy for me to relate to. I like the repetition of of the asking if she remembers and then the "I do," and how it tells a story while still sort of in poetry format.
My favorite lines:
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| Remember how I was so afraid to talk to you that I kept my eyes on the ground counting my steps, while you ran around with our friends and smiled the way you do. |
(I see myself doing this...)
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| Kind of ironic, isn't it? We met on Independence day and ever since then I've been dependent on you. |
I also really like the beginning... It's hard to write a piece that covers long (or at least semi-long) period of time in something so short, but you accomplished it extremely well.
As you can see, I really liked this, and I'm sorry I don't have a more helpful review to give, but I guess its always nice to get complements too!
Hope to see more of you soon!  |
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olivia1987uk
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 9:51 am Post subject: |
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| I do love this and can't really pick fault with i other than the fact that it ended! Are you intending carrying this on or is this it? Either way its good as this is very throught provoking but I want the gaps to be filled in in a longer version as well...It reminds me of the piece I wrote for my GCSE coursework many moons ago...really wish I had that still...Might contact the school to get it so I can show you have similar it is...Nice work! |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 4:01 pm Post subject: |
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Hiya!!
I don't think I have seen you around here before. I guess I'll start by saying Welcome to YWS!! I hope you enjoy this site as much as I do. And if you ever need anything, just let me know.
Okay, on with the review 
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| Remember how I was so afraid to talk to you that I kept my eyes on the ground counting my steps, while you ran around with our friends and smiled the way you do. |
All right, I'm not sure you need the comma after "steps" but....I don't know. I guess just ignore this because I'm not positive if you need this.
Also, I find this sentence kind of long... Maybe try to make this with more imagery. That might help to cut it up.
You were smiling that smile you wear to try to keep all that sadness inside.
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| Remember how my mouth dropped open and no words came out? |
Should be ...my mouth had dropped open... Since you are speaking in past tense.
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| Kind of ironic, isn't it? We met on Independence day and ever since then I've been dependent on you. |
Very cute line! My favorite!
Wow, the ending was very good. Kind of a surprise, actually. I must admit, the beginning was sort of slow. But the tension did build and I felt the ending made up for the beginning. My advise would be to make that a little stronger and even out the balance.
Hope this helps!  |
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Bella
KITTY!!! ^.^
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 4:09 pm Post subject: |
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It made me want to cry...
But that's a good thing, really. You did a good job of putting a conversational tone into it, while still putting all the emotion into it.
Really amazing...
Kind of ironic, isn't it? We met on Independence day and ever since then I've been dependent on you.
I like that line.
Great job! *gives you a gold star*
~Bella Bambina~ |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 8:23 pm Post subject: |
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Well I haven't seen you around here, so you must be new.
Welcome to YWS
I must say that this is a wonderful piece and I have never seen a guy write Romantic Fiction like this. It was beautiful, tears are running down my cheeks and...is this a true story? Well if it isn't then you sure fooled me. You wrote this as if you were the narrator and that's how writers should write. Everyone should be able to step into your character's shoes. You've done that, and I must say you fill those giant shoes out nicely. If anyone says that this didn't start out strong, then don't believe them. The way you started this brought out every emotion from the time they met and to the end. Wow...I have nothing more to say which is rare because when I critique I go on and on about how something isn't right etc. but this is...wonderful.
Hope to see more of your work soon,
-Angel |
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jasmine12
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 11:16 pm Post subject: Re: Remember the time? |
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Gold star for you! *Whipes tear from eye* dayum....i wish my writing was this good...It's so easy to relate to the MC. Even though you didn't go into like massive detail, what you said was enough to like make my heart want to jump out and give you a hug...haha yeah cause i make sense.
I don't have anything to complain about so I'll just tell you my favorite quotes haha.
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| Kind of ironic, isn't it? We met on Independence day and ever since then I've been dependent on you. |
Awh!
~~~~~~~~~~
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| Do you know that I was ready to burst? Do you know that I still think about that everyday? |
....totally understand that feeling all to well.
~~~~~~~~~
And of course....
Because that small sentence says it all.
Loved this...jee i just love everything that you write... |
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Night Mistress
a lover of vampires
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 11:20 pm Post subject: |
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you could practically feel the emotion coming off of that.
good job!
it was a little slow, but it pick up has to made your way through it.
it's really good.
so, i hope do see another piece from you soon. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 5:47 am Post subject: |
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Hi!
I am going to be mean and everything, but I wasn't really emotionally affected by that at all. ^_^ It was much too abstract! It's a lot of, "you remember this?" but it mostly bases itself on emotional events that have little connection with what is actually going on. It's the fourth of July, yet there is no imagery to connect us to that day. You wander around the dates aimlessly and there's really no way to hook us. What you can do to make it better is to build a firmer foundation. Describe what is going on, not just the emotional things, but make us smell the barbeque in the air. Make us aware that they're jumping into sprinklers in bathing suits, or whatever. This is too emotionally shallow because it doesn't really exist in reality. It's only in feelings. So you need to describe.
Good luck! |
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natalie
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 10:45 am Post subject: |
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Oh my goodness wow! *Gold Star!*
This was absolutely amazing! I felt every word! Is this based on a true story? It felt like it. I could picture everything you wrote. I wasn't sure what to expect as it was laid out much more like a poem than a prose. Still, once I started reading it I was lost in it, so it didn't matter!
All I have to say to you is wow. You have a gift of emotion inside you. Keep it up!
Good Luck!!! |
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Sunny
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 2:01 pm Post subject: |
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I'm definitly going to give you a gold star! This was amazing!
Kind of ironic, isn't it? We met on Independence day and ever since then I've been dependent on you.
I (also) love that line! Nice job!
Remember the time you forgot about me? Because if you do, I'd really like to know.
It's kind of like foreshadowing to the end, because you don't say 'Have you ever forgotten about me?' or something instead you say it like she (I'm thinking the person is a she) knows he forgot about her. Nice job!
Also, I love the way you ended it. The emotion was really good, I was really into it! Good job and I hope to see more work from you soon in the future!!
Keep on writing, good luck!
Sunny |
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chichi
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:38 am Post subject: |
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Fantastic! I love how you didn't turn it into a soppy mopey breakup story, but kept it light and relatively indifferent (not to say there's no emotion, there is!! And it's great!!).
I honestly have nothing to say on this one. It's great. I like how you didn't dwell on anything too long, but still didn't gloss over anything. It's perfect length.
I was just wondering, maybe you could write a response to this, from the other person's point of view? Because it's made up of mostly questions, that's what made me think of it. Maybe you could write answers and also questions, like "do you know why I left you?" or something like that. I don't know. This piece is perfect as a standalone, so you might not want to add anything else.
Beeee-yoo-tiful!! |
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VampX13
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 12:43 am Post subject: |
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This is adorable and well thought out. I commend you. Although... I do believe it belongs in the poetry section. It seems very free-versy.
Still good, though.
But more good in a poetry way, in my own oppinion.
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