Topic ID: 35882
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cogito_ergo_sum
Junior Writer
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Joined: 03 Sep 2008
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Country: UK
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 Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 8:09 pm Post subject: Memories |
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Memories
Memories are the clouds
I tried to hold on to
As I fell through the sky
Memories are the ice cubes
I tried to stop melting
In the middle of July
Memories are the darkness
That cloud the sky each day
That eclipse the smiling sun
Memories are the tablets
In the kitchen drawer
That I never took.
Memories are the last dance
At the school disco
While I stood, watching
Memories are the car crash
That struck fear into our hearts
And stopped us driving
Memories are the woollen scarf
That I forgot that day in haste
And the snow stung my bare neck.
Memories are those extra five minutes
On the home computer
When I should be doing homework
Memories are the way I felt
When you came up behind me
And put your arms around me
Memories are what I had
What the two of us had
And what will never leave me
I wish they would.
Sarah
xxx |
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alwaysawriter
is back to writing and critiquing.
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 11:11 am Post subject: |
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Hi. I'm not really good at reviewing poems but I saw this one yesterday and wanted to review it.
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Memories are the clouds
I tried to hold on to
As I fell through the sky |
I don't really understand the "fell to the sky part". I'm guessing it's a similie for "When I fell, I tried to hold onto our memories." or something like that?
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| That eclipse the smiling sun |
I would separate these into two separate lines. Like:
That eclipse,
the smiling sun
Or something like that. I also wouldn't use That; you already use it in the line above it and it sounds repetitive.
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Memories are the tablets
In the kitchen drawer
That I never took. |
What do you mean by tablets? Pictures?
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Memories are the car crash
That struck fear into our hearts
And stopped us driving |
And stopped us from driving
| Quote: |
Memories are the car crash
That struck fear into our hearts
And stopped us driving
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To me, this just seems like it belongs more toward the end of the poem.
Overall, I liked the poem. It had good imagery and it was relatable.
Good job!
PM me for anything at all. 
-alwaysawriter |
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Need help? PM me or e-mail me! A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong. -Orson Welles. [JabberHut] 4:41 pm: I love how you say you're late when you're not late, Always XD -on me zoning out |
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cogito_ergo_sum
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 03 Sep 2008
Posts: 18
Reviews: 4
Country: UK
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 3:44 pm Post subject: |
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"Fell through the sky" is describing a feeling of you having no control over your life and you try to grab onto what was
Tablets part refers to having a problem but not trying to solve it e.g I ahd some tablets but did not take them, therefore my problem was not solved
I liked it, anyway |
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natalie
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 8:28 pm Post subject: |
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I love the idea of this poem.
Though there wasnt much punctuation, Which I feel oucld add more to it, I love the depth of the whole idea.
The repetition worked really well and having the final line to contrast it really stood out and added to the poem.
I loved the stanza about the school disco, though I felt the one about cloudes darkening the sky seemed to lose rhythm and I had to rad it twice to fully understand it. It may have just been me but I didn't think it had the same feel as the rest of the poem.
In general, I really enjoyed this poem. It was really interesting and deep. Keep it up! |
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alwaysawriter
is back to writing and critiquing.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 04 May 2008
Posts: 899
Reviews: 126
Country: Hiding where , somehow, everyone can find me.
342 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 10:50 pm Post subject: |
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| Oh, sorry. I'm a little slow. |
_________________
Need help? PM me or e-mail me! A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong. -Orson Welles. [JabberHut] 4:41 pm: I love how you say you're late when you're not late, Always XD -on me zoning out |
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