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Lord Anzius
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 Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 4:43 pm Post subject: Short Poem: Head Man's Hill |
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Took a step,
closer to headman's hill,
If he would have had the will,
Surely he would have not had to kill.
The man who was not even bad.
But he did kill the poor lad,
And now he must suffer his bill,
On the head man's hill. |
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Last edited by Lord Anzius on Sun Nov 23, 2008 4:35 pm; edited 6 times in total |
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Fellow
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| Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 4:59 pm Post subject: Review |
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The idea is great. Needs so processing tho` :
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| If hw ould have had the will |
If he would have had the will,
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| Nit to kill the man who was not even bad. |
Not to kill the man who was not even bad.
But he did kill the lad - an extra rhyme. Your choise if you want to use it.
Thats all. I like the ending. |
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Matt Bellamy
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 8:39 pm Post subject: |
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| Firstly, your rhyming is a bit strange. The first line doesn't rhyme with anything, and you use words with the same sound five times out of eight - hill, will, kill, bill, hill. This makes the poem sound the same all the way through, and a little boring, so try shaking it up a bit, by introducing other rhymes. These are all very simple rhymes and it all sounds so forced, like you wrote it this way just for the sake of making your lines rhyme. It's great if your poem has a good structure but the poet should not be a slave to his own rhyming scheme. Also, the first line, took a step - who took a step? Did you? Who is this murderer, I want to know more about him, or the person he killed, and what happened. The last line confused me, as well. This has potential, you just need to be a bit more adventurous with your language. |
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Lord Anzius
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 4:00 am Post subject: |
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| sorry there was a mistake in the spelling. =P |
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Reuben A
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:34 pm Post subject: |
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| To the person above, it doesn't have to rhyme with anything, its his style. I think the poem worked the way it was written. |
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lordgluzman
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 8:02 pm Post subject: |
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| the ryhmeing is good but the poem is to short realy short. Dont forget that you need mor explanations. |
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