Topic ID: 35857
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BrokenWings
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 Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 2:39 am Post subject: Heart |
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The definition of heart
Isn’t puffy or pink,
It’s a sick twisted organ surrounded by veins.
You grabbed it and choked it,
Abused it and broke it,
And now it lies shattered with bruises and stains.
Now the fragmented pieces,
Once filled with delight,
Are bursting with anger and words of detest.
If you’re walking my way,
You'd better back off
Because this time the knife will be aimed at your chest. |
Last edited by BrokenWings on Thu Sep 11, 2008 7:48 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Lord Anzius
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Country: Finland I think?
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| Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 4:39 pm Post subject: |
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Harsh.... Realistic though.
Are you angry at someone????
try and remember the comas and periods.
didn't rime all the time but was good anywayz.
good work 
LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE  |
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Crazy people aren't bored.
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.:Elf:.
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| Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 5:47 pm Post subject: |
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You sound angry, but the way you expressed it was very well done.
There wasn't really a rhythm, most poems have some sort of rhythm.
As said above periods and commas would be nice.
I love the lines
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The definition of heart
Isn’t puffy or pink
It’s a sick twisted organ surrounded by veins |
It just seems a very good way to start the poem. |
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BrokenWings
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 1:03 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for the critiques!  i kind of changed the ending because I didnt like it very much before. Not that i like it any better now...
and no. im not really angry at anyone. I have this creative writing class where we have to somehow portray angry emotions or whatever into a poem... |
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Lord Anzius
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Aug 2008
Posts: 623
Reviews: 80
Country: Finland I think?
482 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 5:59 am Post subject: |
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Hmm 
The new ending doesn't rime as well as the last one. But then again it makes the poem even more dramatic.
In that sense it is a good thing.
Good thing that you put in the comas... Now it looks more like a poem.
Good work
One day you might become a great author of poems.
LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE |
_________________
Boredom is a death sentence.
That is why I try to be crazy.
Crazy people aren't bored.
I wish I were more crazy. |
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BrokenWings
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 8:56 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks =] |
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