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Kaylyn
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 Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 8:29 pm Post subject: Looking Glass Prologue |
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Thanks for all the critiques.
~ Prologue ~
Venders shouted their wares and bargains as Caolyn walked through the market, her golden hair glinting against the bright sunlight. She used her height to her advantage as she searched for the elegant, silver-lined looking glass that she so desperately wanted to find.
The crowd however had a mind of its own as it jostled her. Every person wanted to go their own way, not caring that she was looking and searching. She was like a leaf on a strong gust of wind. She glanced behind her and saw a Shadow; she had to hurry and find the looking glass before it did. As she moved through the crowd she could sense the Shadow coming, closing on her like a predator after the prey.
As she passed by a booth she noticed a flash of light as it bounced off the edge of a rounded mirror. An old woman stood there monitoring her booth. Caolyn forcefully pushed her way through the hoard of individuals. She no longer cared about being polite; an entire people's fate rested on the outcome of this day. She could not fail.
The Shadow caught her scent as the wind changed directions. Caolyn could sense the beast getting closer. She picked up her pace towards the booth were she had seen the flash of light. Following her gaze the Shadow saw the object at the same moment she did.
Caolyn walked up the woman, intending to buy it. The vendor looked up and studied her face. Caolyn grew hot under her gaze and cast her eyes downward. Why was this stranger studying her with so much intensity?
Using her magic she caused a commotion behind the vendor. The woman turned suddenly to face the noise.Caolyn took the looking glass from the woman when the woman turned her back. In its place she laid a golden coin to thank her. Caolyn smiled to herself and headed for the Forest of Raiyne; she had successfully carried out her part in the Queste. The others would be just as happy as she was. She sang an old song of the Faeries as she headed for the ancient trees.
Remembering the Shadow, Caolyn hurried her steps as she walked, it changed into a run as the black Shadow got ever closer. It reached out to grab the object that Caolyn clutched and she leaped into the shade of a great willow tree.
Nobody noticed the young woman as she faded into the shadow of a willow tree and disappeared completely except the Shadow. It let out a long blood curdling screech… |
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The biggest lie told in high school:
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Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
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Last edited by Kaylyn on Wed Oct 01, 2008 1:31 pm; edited 8 times in total |
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Sureal
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 8:57 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there Kaylyn. =)
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| Caolyn walked up the woman, intending to buy it. |
I’m assuming you meant that she walked up TO the woman, not that she walked up the woman. 
| Quote: |
| Why was this stranger studying her with so much intensity for? She |
You have a stray She here. It looks like a problem introduced during editing.
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| Caolyn took the looking glass from the woman when she turned her back, she was relieved. |
I think you’re missing something here. The sentence (mainly the second half of it) doesn’t really make sense.
Also, this feels very sudden. You great straight from Caolyn walking up to the woman to her walking away with the looking glass. Methinks that you should mention the woman holding it out to her, or something.
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| She was singing an old song of the Faeries she headed for the oldest trees. |
I think you’re missing out an as after Faeries.
Incidentally, this is also rather passive. I’d personally change it to something more like: She sang an old song of the Faeries as she headed for the oldest trees.
------
Anyways, you asked if it’s interesting. My answer is yes and no. The ‘yes’ is that, yes it is interesting, the ‘no’ is that you took a while to get to the interesting part.
Personally, I find it’s a good idea to include a ‘hook’ in the opening paragraph, otherwise you risk your reader not reading beyond it. (Did you know that many publishers reject a book after only reading the first paragraph? Make sure your opening is interesting.)
You do have a nice hook in here: she has to buy this looking glass to complete some sort of ‘Queste’, and if she fails a whole load of people will die, but we don’t learn any of this until half way through the second paragraph, and it’s lost in a sea of descriptions.
Start the prologue by telling us that, not with a description of a market place. Not only will it give a good hook, to incite the reader to carry on reading, but placing it right at the beginning places a lot of emphasis on it, so it’ll be more noticeable.
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But yeah, you have an interesting premise here. I’m interested in how you intend to carry it on.
Just, y’know, proof read your stuff before you post it online. You have loads of silly mistakes, like that stray She, or the missing words I pointed out.
Good luck with this. =)
-- Sureal |
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mikedb1492
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 10:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Nobody noticed when the young woman faded into the shadow of a willow tree and disappeared completely… |
Get rid of 'when'.
Okay, the main problem with this was your editing mistakes. You went back to change things, but left a bunch of stray words and word forms (The other guy got most of them). Other than that, it was pretty good.
Does it interest me?
Well, it was a little low on any suspense or action or anything else that should hook me. All she's doing is going to buy a round piece of glass. No one will beat her to it. She just has to find it and pay. Other than that I thought it seemed interesting enough. |
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Lord Anzius
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| Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 4:49 am Post subject: |
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Nice.
I can't really say anything, because most of what can be said has been said.
As said above you have a hook, a good hook if I may say, a classic hook.
"looking glass"; is the story dependable of this looking glass?
The story line is quite good if you ask me.
And it is not too short. Prologues are allowed to be short.
Good anywayz..............................................................................................................................
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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE  |
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sylverdawn
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| Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:34 am Post subject: |
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Interesting, it's a good start and catches the interest of the reader. Even though its short it brings up plenty of questions. Who is Caolyn? Why was she sent on the mission? Why is the looking glass so important, is it magic? These questions among plenty of others.
But that's alright, because to my way of thinking that's what a prologue is for, it raises questions about the story and captures the interest of the reader. The only other point for a prologue is to give background information, usually from another time line.
Overall I liked it and would like to read more of it as it comes along. |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 4:49 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the critique, I have edited it and hopefully added some more suspense and urgency to it. Oh and to Sureal, I never said that loads of people would die if she failed.
*smiles slyly* just letting you know. I really try to get the silly mistakes, but most of the time I am unsuccessful, so thanks loads. |
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Lord Anzius
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 6:04 am Post subject: |
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Be welcome 
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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE |
_________________
Boredom is a death sentence.
That is why I try to be crazy.
Crazy people aren't bored.
I wish I were more crazy. |
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Reuben A
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 8:22 am Post subject: |
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Very good...how did Caolyn know that the old woman wanted to buy the looking glass?t 'She sang an old song of the Faeries as she headed for the oldest trees.' i think you shouldn't say oldest, because you just mentioned that the song was old. Replace it with something like ancient.
And, yes, the piece does interest me, PM me when the next part is done, if it is not already. |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 6:17 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks I'll do that. I can't let you know the answer to that question, it would give things away. |
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The biggest lie told in high school:
That was my last piece.
Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
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Sunny
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 3:00 am Post subject: |
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I thought that it was really good. It definitly capture my attention. There's nothing much left to say. Everybody else seemed to cover it.
Very nice job!
PM me when you post more, please! I would love to read more! |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 3:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks, I certainly will. |
_________________
The biggest lie told in high school:
That was my last piece.
Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
http://www.kaylynstout.googlepages.com/books |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 11:44 pm Post subject: |
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| Edited, hope it lokks better now. |
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The biggest lie told in high school:
That was my last piece.
Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
http://www.kaylynstout.googlepages.com/books |
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The Cheshire Cat
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 12:06 am Post subject: |
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| Excellent job, I'm dying for more. I can't think of any crutique for you, but I'd love if you could PM me when you add more chapters! Sorry for the short comment, and I can't wait to read more! |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 9:41 pm Post subject: |
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| Edited, hope you like it, hopefully it will be free of any stupid mistakes this time! |
_________________
The biggest lie told in high school:
That was my last piece.
Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
http://www.kaylynstout.googlepages.com/books |
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Kaylyn
Southern Girl
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420 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:07 pm Post subject: |
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| I've posted Chapter one now. YEAH. Hope you like it! |
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The biggest lie told in high school:
That was my last piece.
Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
http://www.kaylynstout.googlepages.com/books |
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