KJ
She moves in mysterious ways...
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 Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 4:25 pm Post subject: Needles and Roses - Chap. 10 |
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| I don't know if this is just me, but I feel like the story is going all over the place. I don't know. |
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I need critiques on my story Because: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36505.html
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In_the_Moonlight
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:45 pm Post subject: NEEDELES AND ROSES |
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Hey KJ
I personally, liked this chapter. It was very informative, but in a more gracefull way- if that makes sense. The begining was great when you started with that rhyme about vampires. This is also a very different story and I think you did a great job at keeping the pace steady while talking about vampires. Something other writers do not do well. You rocked this chapter, I just hope the pace picks up more in the next chapter. I can't remember if you had foreshadowing in this chapter, if you did- it was good(it might have been in another one of your chapters).
OVERALL:
-very detailed
-informative
-creative as usual
Moony
P.S. You better get that next chapter out quick!     |
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Moriah Leila
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| Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 6:29 pm Post subject: |
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| “And aura,” he begins to answer, “is everything. It is the reflection of our souls, our state of mind, our very life. |
And should be An.
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| Then my mine is already racing to other questions I have tucked away. |
Mind instead of mine
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“How old were you when you… became a… vampire?” I discover that I do not like the word. But even I can’t explain why. |
This isn't important and I feel it just makes the paragraph drag.
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| I rapidly do the math in my head. If what they say is accurate, then that would make Avani ninety-four. |
Okay lets do the math...Avani is 24 when she has Sudeep. At 19 he becomes a vampire, so that would make Avani 43. Now Sudeep is 80 and Avani is 94. That is only a 14 year ago difference when there should be at least 24...Unless you age differently when you become a vampire. And also if Avani chose to be a human, the lifespan make then wasn't much over fifty-five, so she is actually quite ancient.
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| Sudeep’s anguish is like a knife in my side. |
You need to inject the appropriate "a"
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| “Yes, thought it’s uncommon.” |
Though instead of thought
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| “Sudeep was no’ always one o’ the Volun’as,” she tells me. I draw back in surprise. Sudeep speaks of the Voluntas with reverence, respect. |
Why is this such a surprise? You wrote earlier that he became a vampire at age 19. So why is this suddenly a shock?
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| Before I can ask her why, she goes on, “The reason why you are ’avin’ ’rouble with bein’ like the Necaz, evil wit’ no concern o’er anyone else, is because Sudeep used ’o be one o’ them. An’ bein’ made by ’im, you ’ave inheri’ed the Necaz’s na’ure.” |
This whole paragraph confuses the heck out of me. Why does Rachel have trouble being like the Necaz? She doesn't want to be like them, and they way you state it it sounds like she does want to be like the Necaz. And what REALLY confuses me is that Sudeep used to be a Necaz!! What? Okay first I assumed he was a human, that became a vampire at age 19. Now you are saying that he was a Necaz that became a vampire. How is that possible? I mean I thought Necaz were just vampires that began to suck out souls..so how can one revert back? This all is very confusing and frankly I think it detracts from the main plot line. WHatever your angle, right now it is not very clear and as I have already said before it is VERY confusing.
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| I know his feelings will come to me in a moment, and I don’t want to feel what I see there, raw and exposed on his perfect face. |
I added a comma in there in bold.
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| I want to find a dark corner and make my mind a blank again. |
A blank again? I think you meant to say blank again or a blank slate again. I would shy away from the blank slate though, as that is a tad cliched.
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He’s finished with arguing with Avani and she’s won. |
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| This new world, so alien to me, is in many ways startlingly captivating and yet repulsive. While I can see the pleasing details that were not there before—such as how the stars seem brighter and closer—I can also see all the flaws that had been hidden also. The mold on the walls, the smoke in the air high above us. The other repulsive smells that accompany the urine scent, the deep wrinkles in the old woman’s’ face, and the fleas that bury themselves in her hair. |
YEAH!! Kudos on the description of the new senses, I don't know if it was because of something I said, but either way I am very proud!!
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| For a moment I am swept with an almost overwhelming desire to laugh, but I manage to check it, with an effort that makes my chest heaves as if I’ve run for miles. |
Heave not heaves.
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| The smells and the noise I cannot do anything else but endure as Sudeep leads me. The animals are louder then ever before, and the smell coming off the small mounds of horse manure on the cobblestones make my nose sting. The talking, and haggling over prices, screeches in my ears. My eyes see too much at once, and it all is too confusing for me. If Sudeep did not have a firm grip on my hand, I would stand unthinkingly, and in due course find a place to curl into a ball. |
OOOOhhh more sensory descriptions. Very neat. Good job!!
Two other things that bothered me. WHy are the Necaz so interested in Rachel? I mean, she seems so boring and unimportant in the first half of the story, why is she being stalked by Necaz? Also I thought that Vampires could not come out in sunlight...But perhaps you have put your own twist on these vampires to make them unique. If thats what you were going for..a round of applause. Other than that I am eager to read more about Sudeep and Rachel's journey. Keep it up and as always pm me when you post more. |
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