Topic ID: 35816
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Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend
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 Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 9:46 pm Post subject: Billy and the Flowers |
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In my garden, flowers were like friends;
with their sultry bodies, up-turned heads
simmering in the bitter acrid air.
But then; the plague came.
Billy said we'd die.
'Good,' I thought.
My flowers and I were tired of the children's laughter -
down the lane.
Billy said that everyone would die.
Except me. 'Cause Billy would protect me.
I didn't think much to that.
Then the flowers got sick:
peachy petals fell and their leaves went dry,
all dried up like brittle sticks.
They never bloomed again.
I wanted to tell Billy. I couldn't find him.
Down the lane with its absence of laughter
my feet went thud thud thud.
At Billy's door slick with its thick red paint
my fist went thud thud thud.
No laughter. No answer.
Billy and the flowers were - gone. |
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
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Anaïs
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Country: manhattan
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 1:21 am Post subject: |
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I like the concept behind this; it might function better as an abstract, maybe even stream-of-consciousness short story or piece of flash fiction.
My only real criticism is of the initial characterization of the flowers as her friends: I think if you expand on the imagery of the "sultry bodies, up-turned heads" (fantastic image, by the way), it will be clear enough that the speaker sees her flowers as friends. Then you could cut the somewhat unwieldy "were like friends." |
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i don't know you
but i want you
all the more for that |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 8:40 pm Post subject: Re: Billy and the Flowers |
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Hey! This poem has a lot going for it, but I think some areas could use some editing.
| kitty15 wrote: |
In my garden, flowers were like friends;
with their sultry bodies, up-turned heads
simmering in the bitter acrid air.
But then; the plague came. |
With semicolons, I normally want to see two separate sentences on either side that have a connection requiring a punctuation mark weaker than a full stop. I don't know if that is actually necessary, but the fragment 'with their sultry bodies, up-turned heads/simmering in the bitter acrid air' halted the flow when I read it. I don't know if it would work to change the semicolon to a comma, or if there is a way it could be reworded, but that was my initial reaction.
I think the last line would read better as 'Then the plague came.' I didn't like the semicolon that was there either!
| Quote: |
Billy said we'd die.
'Good,' I thought.
My flowers and I were tired of the children's laughter (wouldn't put a dash there)
down the lane. |
You could put 'were sick of the children's laughter'. It could be either interesting word choice or... can't think of the word, but it's like while the plague made others ill, she was 'sick of' their laughter. That kind of idea might not be what you were trying to convey though, so that word choice might be questionable.
| Quote: |
Then the flowers got sick:
peachy petals fell and their leaves went dry,
all dried up like brittle sticks.
They never bloomed again. |
You could try to find another way to phrase the third line there - the dry/dried up was too close and the repetition didn't really have an effect. I would also restructure the stanza like this:
Then the flowers got sick:
peachy petals fell,
their leaves went dry,
[...]
They never bloomed again.
To me, it almost shows the flowers dying (if the third line was fairly short), but that could just be me!
| Quote: |
I wanted to tell Billy.
I couldn't find him. (I'd take a new line there.)
Down the lane, with its absence of laughter, (I wanted to see commas there)
my feet went thud thud thud.
At Billy's door slick with its thick red paint, (I like the connotations this has)
my fist went thud thud thud. |
I couldn't decide if I liked the 'thud, thud, thud's but decided I did - they seem to echo.
| Quote: |
No laughter. No answer.
Billy and the flowers were - gone. |
Putting 'gone' on its own line would probably have the same effect as the dash.
I felt like something was missing from this, and it might be remedied by what Anaïs said - a little more description of the flowers at the beginning. Maybe even mentioning Billy along with them. At the moment, it is sad when she goes looking for him and you sense that he's not going to be there, but I think it could be more emotive. |
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Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical |
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xyberangel
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| Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 10:15 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
In my garden, flowers were like friends;
with their sultry bodies, up-turned heads
simmering in the bitter acrid air.
But then; the plague came. |
when i read flowers were like friends i was thinking that flowers were my friends would should better, but then after thinking about it like friends seem to sugguest the substitution of friends, as in she was lonely, or they were her friends in the garden?.Maybe for the description in the beginning you could elaborate on that idea and make them more alive,
| Quote: |
Billy said we'd die.
'Good,' I thought.
My flowers and I were tired of the children's laughter -
down the lane. |
She seems so indifferent to the world and distanced which suits the overall reading of the poem and works with the simple style.
| Quote: |
I wanted to tell Billy. I couldn't find him.
Down the lane with its absence of laughter
my feet went thud thud thud.
At Billy's door slick with its thick red paint (almost read it as slick with its thick red blood)
my fist went thud thud thud. |
I like this stanza as it reads like a thriller, as you knew he'd be gone, and connotation of red was good.
Overall I liked the poem, It seemed simple and an distant point of view, maybe you can elaborate and develop the images further through.
~Flora |
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