Topic ID: 35809
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corey mcdermith
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 Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 7:17 pm Post subject: Back again |
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We are back once again
to the place we have been
ten thousand times before.
Spinning around
never touching the ground
fighting and pushing for more.
Fire inside
flame burning wide
soul and mind are one.
Echoing laughs
dreams of the past
forgetting how to have fun.
Shining light
starting to fight
giving you hope to live.
Remember me
I'll help you see
you always have more to give.
So we are back again
to the place we have been
ten thousand one times all told.
But now you can fight
so show them your might
never stop reaching for the gold. |
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bisquit
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 7:22 pm Post subject: |
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this is great! well done! the rhyming and rhythm is spot on!
the only thing i would query is ...
'ten thousand one times all told.'
im not sure if the one works?
but hey, it might just be me
otherwise this is fab! |
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Matt Bellamy
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 9:26 pm Post subject: |
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| This was okay. One thing that niggled at me was that the rhymes sound a bit forced, so much so that I felt you were just saying things for the sake of rhyming, and I didn't really know what your poem was meant to be about - it felt a little empty. It all kind of got lost in the strict rhyming structure you forced yourself to stick to. I like the way you talk about being there a thousand times, and then return to it by saying a thousand and one at the end. I would put a comma before "all told" to make that line a bit easier to read. This has potential, keep writing. |
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corey mcdermith
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 7:32 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the critiques guys. this was not really supposed to be anything. I was just bored and took this off the top of my head. |
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It's the one, the only, the incredible COREY!!!!!
.......... this is where you clap.
Some day I will be famous, but until then I am not. |
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oneeyedunicornhunter
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| Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 2:03 am Post subject: |
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Pretty good, but nothing epic.
I was getting overtones of passion in the beginning, but it seemed to flip-flop at this point:
"Shining light
starting to fight
giving you hope to live."
I'm left wondering, "Why does he/she need hope to live?"
Perhaps if you had gone with a simpler rhyme scheme, it would have been easier to go more in depth and give more expression.
Finding a balance between structure and expression is important. Too little structure and the poem can turn into a medley of thoughts, which can be hard to focus in on. Structure helps give the poem rhythm, but can constrict the flow of the poem.
I think that's what went wrong with this poem. |
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MissAngle
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 2:37 pm Post subject: |
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 well written has really good rhythm in it
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Spinning around
never touching the ground
fighting and pushing for more.
Fire inside
flame burning wide
soul and mind are one.
Echoing laughs
dreams of the past
forgetting how to have fun.
Shining light
starting to fight
giving you hope to live.
Remember me
I'll help you see
you always have more to give.
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these are my favourite lines so good job |
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JordanEmert
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 10:33 pm Post subject: wow.wow.wow. |
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| very amazing poetry, I liked it, I have to say that everybody here is a better writer then I am. Everybodys amazing here. I love it |
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W1ldF1r3
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| Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 10:55 am Post subject: |
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| I like it alot, just on the last line, it upsets the rhythm, take out the "the". |
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KookieKatie
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| Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 6:51 pm Post subject: |
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I have to say, it's well-crafted. Incredible technique and rhyme, with the rhythm being spot-on.
However...
This has no hook, nothing memorable or intriguing. It's the kind of thing you read and stop paying attention to what you are reading halfway through.
You are a great writer and poet - use your imagination!! |
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loveisthekey2010
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 12:00 am Post subject: |
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This was a great poem but i have to agree you skip around a little bit with the tone and the rhymes, but i like it because i can follow it a bit since i write similarly....
Mabe try to either have one half of the poem in one tone and the other a different tone or something like that. Find a patter that readers can pick up on....
Other than that beautiful!!!!! |
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JordanEmert
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 12:42 am Post subject: |
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I do not know why people are show harsh to other people here, come on cut people a break, gees!
This is not why I critiqued you to talk about how harsh people are to other people here, I wanna talk about your poem, I liked it but it wasn't one of the best that I've seen, it was a little dull, just an opinion please do not get offended. But keep writing your doing well. |
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Broken^Minded^Warrior
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 1:13 am Post subject: |
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Good job! Honestly (personal opinion), this sounds great sung. Perhaps you could consider posting this in the "Lyrics" section The only thing I could really find wrong was that you didn't capitalize. Remember: in poetry, every single word that starts a line must be capitalized.
I'm actually impressed that this is from just off the top of your head!  |
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*singerofthenight*
just stole your pickle! Wha hahaha *runs off*
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| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 1:55 pm Post subject: |
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awww...I didn't know you wrote poetry....  |
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chichi
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 4:39 am Post subject: |
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Nothing ultimately spectacular, but it made me smile. 
The last line missed the rhythm, it had too many syllables. Never a good thing. The rhymes feel a little forced, a little like you've had to search and just stuck it in, trying to get everything to fit with it. The rhyme pattern didn't feel appropriate to the poem to me, but that's not actually your fault that you didn't want to add anything else. Nonetheless, a cute little poem. |
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