Topic ID: 35801
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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation. Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 979 Reviews: 384 Country: Grasslands. 524 Points
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Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 4:11 pm Post subject: Incisive Coalition |
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Vivisect me; we’re all just parts and pieces,
even when we’re connected. Let’s explore
the openings - but never minds –
and keep for us those treasures
that we reap – but not the ideas they inspire.
Are you not The Physician waiting for patients?
No, you have your tongue in cheek, rubbing
against decaying teeth, hesitating
before your masquerade can begin.
This street surgery cannot last forever,
But I’m willing to play – pull out the scalpel,
I’ll show you which roads cross my heart.
There’s a certain kind of dance in your palms,
they flicker like lamps in snow; guttering,
even as you cut deeper. Your hands have none of
the burlesque in them, they have no mystery.
As I lay below your tears, they still
and I am -
cold. |
_________________ Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer.
Last edited by PenguinAttack on Wed Sep 10, 2008 6:36 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Matt Bellamy
Tech Monkey Master of the Forum


Age: 20 Joined: 08 Dec 2004 Posts: 1914 Reviews: 303 Country: England 339 Points
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Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 9:19 pm Post subject: |
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I hate it when someone writes a poem which gives me nothing to criticize. Telling you what's good is still helpful, aye? xD
Well, I love the ending, the way you isolate that last word. Also, your imagery is great, I love the way you write, the overall tone of your poem...and I hope the next person can be more helpful and tell you what's rubbish about it. Oh, this:
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You have your tongue in cheek, rubbing
against decaying teeth, hesitating |
is a bit gross. Yep, that's it! |
_________________ Matt.
http://purplezephyr.wordpress.com |
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Anaïs
Novice

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 08 Sep 2008 Posts: 9 Reviews: 5 Country: manhattan 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 1:26 am Post subject: |
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Karmic points right off the bat for using the word "vivisect." It's a wonderful one, i'n it?
I must agree with Mr. Bellamy above: I can't find much of anything to critique. My personal favorite set of lines would have to "Let’s explore / the openings - but never minds – / and keep for us those treasures / that we reap – but not the ideas they inspire."
"Are we not physicians waiting for our patients? / This street surgery cannot last forever" is a close second, though; the implications of physicians and street surgeries are rather interesting in the larger context.
Though I'll agree with Mr. Bellamy again--the decaying teeth thing really is pretty gnarly. |
_________________ i don't know you
but i want you
all the more for that |
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Jiggity
The Sinister Jigster Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 18 Nov 2005 Posts: 1956 Reviews: 623 Country: Australia 3386 Points
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Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 4:22 am Post subject: |
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Your hands have none of
the shiver of the burlesque in them, they have no
mystery. |
This is the only thing I stumbled on when I read this; halted the flow. I suggest nixing "the shiver of" so it reads "Your hands have none of the burlesque in them, they have no mystery."
Otherwise, very good. |
_________________ Initiate II |
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Gadi.
that was good ... for your age Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 06 Aug 2007 Posts: 996 Reviews: 394 Country: under the covers 190 Points
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Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 2:15 am Post subject: |
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My favorite was:
"No, you have your tongue in cheek, rubbing
against decaying teeth, hesitating
before your masquerade can begin."
... and the rest, as they say, is history. |
_________________ my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away |
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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation. Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 979 Reviews: 384 Country: Grasslands. 524 Points
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Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 11:13 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks so much for critiquing this, guys! ^^
I'm glad you all liked it, I worked a little on it, so I really appreciate it.
Thanks once again.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
_________________ Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer. |
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