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Playing The Field - Chapter 8
Playing The Field - Chapter 8

by Meep(: in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Dramatic Poetry

This thread was created on September 9, 2008
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Incisive Coalition

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PenguinAttack   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 4:11 pm    Post subject: Incisive Coalition Reply with quote

Vivisect me; we’re all just parts and pieces,

even when we’re connected.  Let’s explore

the openings - but never minds – 

and keep for us those treasures 

that we reap – but not the ideas they inspire. 

Are you not The Physician waiting for patients?

No, you have your tongue in cheek, rubbing 

against decaying teeth, hesitating 

before your masquerade can begin. 

This street surgery cannot last forever, 

But I’m willing to play – pull out the scalpel, 

I’ll show you which roads cross my heart.

There’s a certain kind of dance in your palms, 

they flicker like lamps in snow; guttering,

even as you cut deeper. Your hands have none of

the burlesque in them, they have no mystery. 

As I lay below your tears, they still

and I am - 

cold.

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Last edited by PenguinAttack on Wed Sep 10, 2008 6:36 am; edited 1 time in total
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Matt Bellamy   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 9:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I hate it when someone writes a poem which gives me nothing to criticize. Telling you what's good is still helpful, aye? xD
Well, I love the ending, the way you isolate that last word. Also, your imagery is great, I love the way you write, the overall tone of your poem...and I hope the next person can be more helpful and tell you what's rubbish about it. Razz Oh, this:

Quote:
You have your tongue in cheek, rubbing
against decaying teeth, hesitating


is a bit gross. Yep, that's it!

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Anaïs   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 1:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Karmic points right off the bat for using the word "vivisect." It's a wonderful one, i'n it?

I must agree with Mr. Bellamy above: I can't find much of anything to critique. My personal favorite set of lines would have to "Let’s explore / the openings - but never minds – / and keep for us those treasures / that we reap – but not the ideas they inspire."

"Are we not physicians waiting for our patients? / This street surgery cannot last forever" is a close second, though; the implications of physicians and street surgeries are rather interesting in the larger context.

Though I'll agree with Mr. Bellamy again--the decaying teeth thing really is pretty gnarly.

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 4:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Your hands have none of

the shiver of the burlesque in them, they have no

mystery.


This is the only thing I stumbled on when I read this; halted the flow. I suggest nixing "the shiver of" so it reads "Your hands have none of the burlesque in them, they have no mystery."

Otherwise, very good.

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Gadi.   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 2:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My favorite was:

"No, you have your tongue in cheek, rubbing

against decaying teeth, hesitating

before your masquerade can begin."

... and the rest, as they say, is history.

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PenguinAttack   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 11:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks so much for critiquing this, guys! ^^

I'm glad you all liked it, I worked a little on it, so I really appreciate it.

Thanks once again.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

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This thread was created on September 9, 2008

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