Topic ID: 35790
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Derek
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 Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:00 am Post subject: Light and Dark |
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This poem is from my story
At the beginning of all my
chapters there is a poem.
This is the poem for Chapter 3.
I might post the others, or if
you want you can check them out
by going to Chapter 1 & 2 of
Disturbia.
Light and Dark
A misconception of the world.
What's evil is dark, what's light is good.
The truth is not always as simple as it seams.
Complicating situations, call for complicated choices.
Some “evil”, others “good”.
When light and dark vanish.
What is left behind? |
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"The only possible means of obtaining immortality is to have true mortality"
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Chevy
science, again.
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 12:57 pm Post subject: |
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| I really like where this is going. Perhaps, just as a suggestion, you could try this as a begin to prose instead of poetry. I'm not sure why, but this really strikes me as more straightforward and not as relaxed as poetry tends to be. Overall, what you have so far is a fairly balanced and clear conception of lightness and darkness. Like I said, I like the way this is going and look forward to reading the rest. |
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Fellow
Senior Writer
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 2:05 pm Post subject: Review. |
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Ok I like the idea - writing a poem at the start of every chapter but as Chevy said its better to prose. Aspecialy if there`s something about light and dark, good and evil. The poem gives a relaxing feeling. The prose keeps the tension from the chapter that you`ve just finish and keeps it into the next chapter if you get the point.
The poem is well wrote. Nothing to point out. |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 3:59 pm Post subject: |
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I find a lot of writers want to start each new chapter with a new poem. I personally would opt for one entire poem and starting each new chapter with a segment of it. Then again if your book is aimed at an audience who would like poetry...but then again if its a fantasy I'm not so sure. Teenage boys (I know, generalization) tend to buy fantasy. Just a thought.
Onto the poem. Well firstly, I have to say: It's very lacking. Not bad, but certainly has room for improvement. However it raised some nice images in my head and made me think, it didn't do it often enough for my liking.
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Light and Dark
A misconception of the world. |
Right- you've hammered home your message in the first two lines. Two major mistakes. Firstly- don't hammer it, and secondly, don't tell us it at the start. The full stop makes it very final and almost gives it a preachy sense. What poem did you last read that grabbed you and made you agree with everything it said? Poems, mostly- confuse me. But that's the beauty of it. They require thought from the reader, which obviously means it requires thought from the writer. A lot of thought a that.
When I say 'Show, don't tell' I mean two things. Firstly, I mean describe more. You should make several drafts of a poem if so needed. But try and push the boundaries and the words your using. Short sentences only work when used sparingly. Secondly, I mean use more poetic devices. I.e. Show off with your alliteration, personification, onomatopoeia, dramatic irony...ect.
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| The truth is not always as simple as it seams |
Did you mean to use a pun there? If so, I quite like it. It opens a whole new door of imagery. It's subtle touches like that that make a poem amazing.
What is left behind?
Quite like the rhetorical question at the end, but still, I felt awfully cheated. You need to flesh this idea out more, because right now, it's just the bare bones. I understand that it's main device is to explain the chapter, but even so, you can take care in the smallest details. It's those little details in books that make it so life like, and makes us love them.
Hope this helps,
Eimear |
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bisquit
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 8:44 pm Post subject: |
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WOW! this is a really awesome idea and brilliantly structured. You obviously thought this through and i think that its great how you write poetry for chapter beginnings.! It leaves the reader with an interesting thought which i am still thinking bout now
this is a really great piece of work! 
altough some people think that getting straight to the point isnt great, i think it really worked. That way, you know exactly what the poem is about without having to read froo a load of words which may or may not make sense without the explaination.
great work! |
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