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Annie
Annie

by megdoodles13 in Action/Adventure Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on September 9, 2008
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Riddled Choices

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Sela Locke   View This User's Portfolio
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Age: 13
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Country: somewhere deep in the Pacific.
485 Points

PostPosted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:00 am    Post subject: Riddled Choices Reply with quote

Best to read 'Ancient Lies', too. This'll make more sense in the later chapters if you do.

A fresh breeze tore through the quiet moment, rippling across the grass and pulling the scent of sycamore straight to a small figure in the shade.

It was hard to tell how the girl ended up in this middle-class neighborhood, full of shiny BMWs and perfect little lawns. Crouched under the shadow of an old, wide palm tree, she resembled a small heap of garbage more than anything else.

Stringy blonde hair hung limply around her like a protective curtain, nearly brushing the leaf-littered concrete in its attempt to hide this little child from the world. A baggy, stained orange shirt hid the girl’s near-emaciated body, clashing fiercely with her ripped grayish-brown skirt – which may or may not have been white at some point.

She was bent over a small scrap of notebook paper, deliberately writing with long, slow strokes. The words mightn’t have meant anything to other people, but they were what had kept her alive, these few past years.

It must have started back in the summer of nineteen-ninety-two, when two kids started coming down to her hangout. She stayed here to weather the storm of a workaholic dad and an often-drunk mom, not doing much but wondering about things people never told her, things she knew were impossible to discover on one’s own. Or, if they were learnable, ended up being somewhere in a book or on the Internet, two places she didn’t have access to.

How did spiders make webs? Why couldn’t animals talk? Was there any way to catch a really wild mountain lion and tame it, if you were a eight-year-old girl?

And so, one day in mid-July, while she was leaning against her favorite tree, Tramant (Who, she proudly announced to no one, had been named by her and could never be called anything else), there came a strange noise from up the slightly-slanted street. Voices. Kid’s voices. They were laughing and talking about something, and the whir of bikes joined these noises through the relatively small and quiet neighborhood without restraint.

“So you’re saying we couldn’t make voodoo dolls out of clay?”

“Ben – yeah, that’s what I’m saying.”

Frowning in annoyed confusion, the girl crawled behind Tramant, heart thumping with no-longer ignorable excitement. What were they doing down here, in this boring place of absolute silence? The wind and the trees had always been her only company, and although she wanted to say that was all she needed, it really wasn’t true.

“What is this place, anyways? Kinda quiet, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Replied a more boyish voice, and our little spy could only guess he was Ben.

“Ooh, creepy! What’s that little trail back there?” Asked his friend – a girl.

Everything tuned out abruptly, and a small but rushed argument broke out in her head.

Go on, introduce yourself! You don’t look that terrible, anyways.

Who are we kidding, you dummy? They’d run away like frightened animals if the kids saw this wreck of a girl.

It’ll be easy! ‘Hi, my name is Galyda! What’s yours?’

No, stupid! Do you want to let everyone know how ugly and dumb we are? Just listen for awhile. Maybe if we can get some nicer clothes or something, but right now, this isn’t gonna happen.

Last words in an argument always itch to be contradicted, but there wasn’t much else to say. Galyda couldn’t hear them anymore, and knew that, even if they’d gone back into the hills, she couldn’t return to her broom-closet bedroom until her mom’s hangover was mostly gone.

So here we’ll stay, she said to herself, and the nastier, more cynical voice snapped back without delay.

Duh.

“I’ll get the mail, Mom!” Galyda called back into the house, not even a slurred reply to spur her along. She wandered down, in the general direction of their mailbox, sure to be stuffed with bills her miserly father didn’t plan on paying. Every once in awhile he would snap, have a large-object throwing fit, and give ‘those damn fools’ their money. It never seemed wise to ask him exactly who these fools were, but then again, nothing was a good question to her parents.

Wondering vaguely if she’d see Rose and Ben down at the cul-de-sac, her nearly constant hideout, Galyda entirely forgot the mail key in her hand. She was wearing her only presentable outfit, of the three she had - a simple, long-sleeved, evergreen tee, and grass-stained jeans, which still hung slightly on her gaunt figure. Whenever she glanced in the mirror, Galyda told herself the stains matched her shirt, however ridiculous it seemed.

“Oh, good. The strangelings haven’t arrived yet.”

She liked calling them that – somehow, it wasn’t almost endearing, a secret name for her ‘friends’. Who, in truth, she’d never actually met.

It was nearly a month from the time she’d first seen them, and somehow it didn’t seem possible. Observant by nature, Galyda knew a lot about these two kids, however odd it seemed. Ben, the ten-year-old with curly brown hair, was oddly entranced by his friend’s ability to turn everything into a crazily awesome something-or-other. Rose could hear a flag flap in the wind, and swear that someone was hidden in shadow, creeping towards them with knife in hand.

An oil print became old blood, dirty puddles were suddenly the fountain of ultimate healing and protection. Most important of all, writing in the concrete became two men, constantly waiting to pounce on Rose and the boy constantly at her side.

She took her Pokémon game back into the bike-trail, (“If we have something from our dimension, they can’t steal us away,” She had reasoned) or, as Ben called it, the path to other worlds. They would often come dashing back out into the sunlight with excited and terrified faces, chattering like little squirrels.

Most of the time, they spoke of these two men, who simply waited for them to stop believing. Then they would swoop down, and carry away their captives to far-away places, never to be seen again. Rose shivered with delight at the thought of this disappearance, always painting vivid pictures of a scratched-up and bent bike lying in the street, claw marks riddling its paint and leather seat.

Ben simply stared, horrified fascination riddling his pixie-like face, stray brown curls bouncing near his eyes. He, a skinny boy of ten or eleven, was always energetic and ready for anything, and didn’t seem to mind what they did, as long as these stories kept coming – and anyone could tell that his friend was abundantly supplied with imagination.

Rose was oblivious to so much, in her own way. She didn’t care what she wore, often coming down in bright pink shorts and a deep red, slightly ragged shirt. Her dark brown hair was always pulled back in a tight ponytail, bright face smiling and tanned from so much time under the summer sun. The two eleven-year-old companions were such a weird pair, yet so perfectly matched to each other. They adored this place, and hardly a day went by that Ben and Rose weren’t down at the cul-de-sac, having a great time.

Until today.


_________________
"I don't," he complained, "understand why I have to be the stupid guy."

"Well, that makes one of us, doesn't it?"


-Delys; Lliestt


Last edited by Sela Locke on Thu Nov 13, 2008 7:04 am; edited 1 time in total
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ChernobyllyInclined   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 3:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Indeed, this is probably your best. Like I said, people don't like reviewing stuff they can't easily criticize.

I was impressed at how even the pace was and how you didn't go crashing off into some untimely adventure. I found Gada less faceless than before; I liked her. Your description was excellent and the narrative flowed rather well. If there was a good angle for the classic Rick and Kayo story, it's from Gada.

Really, all that I found that needed a little touching up was the structure. Try not to change paragraphs arbitrarily. Ask yourself if the thought has come to and end and make certain that sentences match up. It makes it slightly choppy when paragraph-skipping seems ragged.

Anyhow, I think you did a very good job on Gada's character and the set-up was LOADS smoother than anything else I've read of yours.

Good job, Sela. Watch out for kidnapping and [censored]...like we talked about.

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"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."
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Prokaryote   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 1:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello hello, Sela. I've just a few comments...

The first sentence is wonderful. I love the alliteration.

Quote:
Kid’s voices.


Kids' voices, yes?

*

Quote:
... whir of bikes joined these noises through the relatively small and quiet neighborhood without restraint.


I'm not sure what would be restraining the noises in the first place.

*

Quote:
“Ben – yeah, that’s what I’m saying.”


I found this artificial -- wouldn't it be more natural to have "Ben" placed at the end of the sentence? As is, it sounds rather like addressing someone in a chatroom, where you have to type their name out at the beginning so they know it's directed towards them.

*

Quote:
“Yeah,” Replied replied a more boyish voice


Quote:
“Ooh, creepy! What’s that little trail back there?” Asked asked his friend


Quote:
... can’t steal us away,” She she had reasoned...


*

Quote:
... odd it seemed. Ben, the ten-year-old with curly brown hair, was oddly...


Meh. I don't like the repetition.

*

Quote:
He, a skinny boy of ten or eleven, was always energetic and ready for anything...


I'd change that to:

Quote:
A skinny boy of ten or eleven, he was always energetic and ready for anything...


*

You're a good writer, Sela. I'm not the biggest fan of detailed clothes descriptions -- I don't know, those always seem oddly unnecessary to me; maybe I like imagining it myself, or maybe I don't imagine it at all since I'm a guy or something. But I don't wanna cramp your style or anything.

Keep it up! ^_^

Prokaryote

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Horus -- pretty cool.
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Sela Locke   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

97
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 169
Reviews: 97
Country: somewhere deep in the Pacific.
485 Points

PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 7:15 am    Post subject: Chapter TWO! Reply with quote

Thanks Prok and Chern! I'll need to find some time for those edits soon. ^_^ Here's chapter two! Oh - and I put this on with only one read-over, so I might've missed something. x-x Feel free to ruthlessly review. ;D

“The smile on his face was – what, malicious? No, Kayo is always sly. He has to be more secretive…” Galyda froze, pen and paper in hand, words winding away into silence as shouts and the frantic clicking of bikes caught in her ears.

Something seemed off, but she hoped it was just a game, something new they to had made up. In the back of her mind, she thought of summer ending soon. Ben and Rose would have to go back to school, and she, having a father who would never in his worst nightmares spend a cent to get her the lamest education, could only hope they would still have time to come down here. She was almost as hooked as Ben on Rose’s stories.

Scrambling behind Tramant as the noises began to get louder, she listened hard.

“… So, wait. You’re saying you didn’t write any notes, or drop them anywhere – around Sylvie’s house?” Ben’s voice rang clear in its obvious anger, an emotion Galyda could not remember him ever using towards or around Rose. It made her shudder – this better not be what she thought it was.

“That’s exactly what I’m saying. Guys, you’re freaking out! Why would I, anyways? I mean, it says everything in a weird code I’ve never seen before!” Rose’s voice was full of amusement, if a bit panicked.

Poking her head around the tree, Galyda caught a strange scene. Four kids, gathered right behind her mailbox a little ways up the cul-de-sac’s slope, were arguing furiously. It was Ben, Rose, and his other, much less-seen friends, Sylvie and Amy. She’d never truly given thought to what they looked like, but their personalities were clear enough.

Amy, clearly jealous of how much time Ben spent with this new girl, was often resentful, and nearly always quitting games they played, if they weren’t what she wanted. She had straight brown hair, perpetually tied in a loose ponytail at the nape of her neck. About the same age as Ben and Rose, she hadn’t ever seemed that imaginative to Galyda.

Sylvie, a sweet, curly-haired girl of about nine, mostly just followed Amy for the sake of being occupied. Galyda knew very little else about her. She was a little tall for her age, and, if slightly spoiled, always had something of a good idea on what to do.

“It’s not Sell-uh, it’s Say-luh.”

Rose’s voice rung out, now annoyed, and Galyda jumped as she realized how nearby they suddenly were.

“Aha! So you do know who this girl is!”

“No, I just know how to pronounce names correctly. Ben! Stop being silly. I didn’t write you a note, and I don’t see why I’d wanna lie about that.”

There was silence for a moment, and then she heard them pedal away, voices fading away into the distance. Galyda peeked around Tramant, and then started back. Rose was standing there, next to her bike, a frightfully sorrowful expression on her face.

She saw me.

Heart thumping painfully in her chest, Galyda squeezed her eyes shut. Rose would find her out in just a second, for sure. Secrecy was over – humiliation would be soon in coming, for sure.

When no one came to laugh at her pathetic existence, the small girl poked her head around the tree once again; Rose was going the opposite direction from Galyda, up the hill, and pulling her bike alongside.

She disappeared around the corner all too soon, and, at that moment, it seemed quiet was there to stay.

-

So, those days were gone. Every day for two long, miserable years, no one came down – there was no laughter, no chatter, no excitement. When she looked back, Galyda was not so sure how she’d survived those years.

And yet, it was one of those days, boring, quiet, and lonely, that finally brought something different. Something very, very different indeed.

“Rick and Kayo… hmm, what an idea. So, what would the main character’s name be? Oh, well, it certainly can’t be mine. I mean, who would want to read about such a decrepit character? Ugh.”

Galyda sighed, turning back to her brand-new notebook. It had gotten her a few half-hearted slaps from both her parents, and bruise on her shin, but right now, anything seemed worth it to have so much paper, in which she could write enough stories to last her weeks.

She had just started on one about an epic battle between Rick and Kayo, when a familiar noise alerted her to a visitor, on their way to see some ‘friend’ or other. Such people came often, silently and boringly, with nothing to interest her, other than a ‘what are you doing here?’ look. It really was surprising no one had called social services yet – cutting off her rambles, she looked up, to see a black Camry inching down the street towards her. Something about it made her open the notebook, frantically scribbling down notes on it and who might be inside.

But - why? There didn’t seem to be an answer.

Galyda was certain that it would only be another somebody here to see his or her rich friend; an old, normal, and altogether uninteresting sort of person.

What a silly mistake to make.

_________________
"I don't," he complained, "understand why I have to be the stupid guy."

"Well, that makes one of us, doesn't it?"


-Delys; Lliestt
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 3:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You definitely keep the suspense and I like Galyda's perspective in regards to all your neighborhood drama. It caused some amount intrigue where before there was only monotony.

Honestly, there is pretty much nothing to correct. I don't bother with grammar/punctuation unless it is truly atrocious and yours was not. Of course. Galyda's character seems a tad bit too much like Sela, or any of your main characters, really. I suggest either changing her diction or making her essential personality just a little more unique. I'm sure you can, I'm just not sure you noticed the minimum discrepancy.

Perhaps a little more description, but what there was was good.

I suggest longer chapters, too. This one was horribly short.

Well, I liked it. Lengthen the chapter and add more. I want to find out what I say, anyhow.

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"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."
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Sela Locke   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

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Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 169
Reviews: 97
Country: somewhere deep in the Pacific.
485 Points

PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 7:15 am    Post subject: CHAPTER THREE! Reply with quote

I know nobody really read the second chapter, but I'll put the third one on anyways. Eheheh.

“Ah, what are you doing, m’dear?”

Galyda had no idea how, but as she looked up, three things were clear – one, the man before her was so ridiculously kind and regular-looking that it made her feel uneasy. Two, he’d managed to park his car about halfway up the street and get to her impossibly fast for a guy of fifty-something - as he seemed to be - and three, she needed to get out of here – now.

“Just going home, sir. My mum must be worried out of her mind.”

Springing up, she started off at a brisk pace, trying to put as much space between them as she could.

“Wait.”

It was a simple request, but one that, somehow, Galyda knew she must obey.

Stopping dead in her tracks, she found herself standing straight as rod, shoulders back, and with a sweet smile on her face. What in the…?

“Very polite of you to listen, m'lady.”

Ignoring the annoyance she felt at him knowing (and using) her nickname, Galyda sighed, turning around.

“Sir, I really have to get home. Mum’s waiting, and I can’t ignore her.”

“Your Mother, if you’d like to know, is a very dead drunk. If you go home now, Mr. Weatherforth will immediately take you to the nearest orphanage, dump you there, and never come back.”

“Hang on – Mom’s dead?” Galyda gulped, not sure if she should feel boundlessly free, or astonishingly sad.

“I never understood why you called that woman your Mother,” He said, voice incredulous, yet somehow still sweet.

“Well – she was.”

He smiled, sharp white fangs glittering in the – Fangs? Since when do kind old men have fangs?

“Oh, I apologize for that. And before you jump to conclusions, no, I’m not a vampire. Sickly little things, they are. How can one live only on liquid, anyways?”

“Who-who are y-you?”

Faking an expression of embarrassment, the old man bowed low, sweeping his grey fedora off.

“Kanneth, ma’am. Kanneth Yollden. I apologize for my forthrightness – I have much else to do, and would prefer if you made your decision.”

The girl looked up, frowning and slightly confused.

“But – you only gave me one option. Go home and get sent to an orphanage.”

“Ah-ha-ha! So you are clever.”

“Well, that wasn’t very hard to catch,” she muttered. Being puzzled always put Galyda in the worst of moods.

“Yes, quite. However, the other road is a little bit – tricky.”

This is starting to sound like a fairytale, she thought, hoping he wouldn’t sprout wings and carry her off to Rapunzel’s abandoned tower.

“You see, all I can assure for certain is that it will be better, this other way. Anything else, is, er, confidential.”

The grin turned just a little pitying, and that only helped to worsen her mood.

“Fine, I’m going home, then! You’re probably a serial-killer or something, anyway.”

Galyda’s brain told her legs to march off, ordered itself to forget about this strange man – but for some reason, they simply stood there, one slightly bent at the knee.

“Why can’t I move?” she asked, trying not to panic.

Kanneth quirked an eyebrow, obviously enjoying himself.

“Because I said so.”

Before she could start on how horrid he was being, the old man continued.

“You see, I was hoping you would be adventurous enough to—”

Galyda snorted at the misused word, and the slightest frown darkened his brow.

“—To just come along, but now that courtesy and guile has failed me, I’m afraid I’ll have to take a slightly more forceful approach to the matter.”

Cocking her head, she smiled teasingly at him.

“What now? Are you gonna beat me with that cane? Believe me, I’m not terribly worried.”

Giving her another look of pity, Kanneth pointed to the black Camry. It had somehow managed to roll down the small incline, parking again directly at her side.

“Get in.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t trust you, that’s why!”

Sighing, he opened the glossy door, then placed a work-calloused hand on her forehead.

“My dear, I hope you learn to be less insistent. Things won’t go as well that way.”

By now, she’d given up trying to move, and closed tired eyes as she felt something cool rush into her mind, slowing everything to a quiet stop. The last thing Galyda could ever remember of that day was the soft scent of the ocean, and another, huskier voice, full of satisfaction.

“Well done, Joysuhn. Just don’t expect any congratulations.”


Hehe! Mercilessly review!

_________________
"I don't," he complained, "understand why I have to be the stupid guy."

"Well, that makes one of us, doesn't it?"


-Delys; Lliestt
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