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Maki-Chan
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 Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 2:21 am Post subject: Heart's Illusion (Working Title) Prologue |
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Prologue
She stood there, frozen- Her long twig legs shaking. No matter how much her mind wanted to step forward, her legs did not obey. The girl shook her small egg shaped head, trying to ignore the words that poured into her ears. The only thing she could do was believe it was all a lie as the wind blew across her pale face, making her long brown hair sway. Even while she murmured to herself that it was a lie, deep within her heat she knew what was said was true.
She had been staring down at the cold cement floor, of the courtyard, just not being able to look at the person before her. After a few seconds passed she finally got enough courage to speak.
“I-I, don’t understand,” She paused thinking of what to say next, but only one more word escaped her lips.
“Why?”
There was no answer, and then the young brunette gazed into her eyes. In an instant she saw the smile of the one she once called friend. Yet her smile was different, it no longer filled the girl with warmth, but instead made her chest feel heavy. This person was once her friend. But now she was something else, something horrid.
The smile had shocked the shaking girl, not expecting it she took a step back.
“It’s a shame,” the ex-friend calmly spoke. “I really wanted to make you cry,” Her eyes turned violent. “ Kizame.”
The brunette dropped to her knees, from hearing her friend talk to her so cruelly.
“Stop it, please Mazin.”
Mazin just ignored Kizame, and walked towards her. To Kizame, she became a demon. Her short fiery orange hair like the flames of hell, while her pitch black eyes paled against her lightly red tinted skin.
Kizame fell onto the cement, and using her feet pushed herself away from this fire demon. While this show of fear, just brought joy to Mazin.
“Kizame,” She murmured, as she walked closer.
“Stop,” Kizame begged.
“Kizame,” Mazin’s voice grew louder as she got closer.
“Stop,” Her back touched a wall behind her, stopping her from moving away.
“Ki-za-me,” Mazin’s voice struck instant fear into Kizame, that of which she had never felt before. Kizame wrapped her arms around herself.
“LEAVE ME ALONE!” She screamed.
The brunette held her eyes shut, and waited for the worst, but nothing happened. Cautiously she opened her eyes. Kizame expected to see an insane smiling face of someone she loved, but she was alone in the courtyard. Seeing that no one was near her she unwrapped her hold on her knees.
The girl lied her head back against the cold brick wall, trying to relax. Instead tiny clear drops of water trickled from her eyes and down her cheek; creating small wet spots on the cement.
“ Please save me, God,” Kizame quietly prayed.
She placed her hands on her belly. Her stomach hurt, but that was just the beginning as something began to emerge from her womb. |
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Last edited by Maki-Chan on Fri Sep 26, 2008 4:47 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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tnme22
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 9:59 pm Post subject: Re: Heart's Illusion (Working Title) |
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| Maki-Chan wrote: |
She stood there, frozen- Her long twig legs shaking. No matter how much her mind wanted to step fore ward, ((forward)) her legs did not obey. The girl shook her small egg shaped head, trying to ignore the words that poured into her ears. But the only thing she could do was believed ((believe)) it was all a lie as the wind blew across her pale face, making her long brown hair sway. But while she murmured to herself that it was a lie, deep within her heat she knew what was said was true. ((Good voicing and description here, I like it  )) |
| Maki-Chan wrote: |
There was no answer, and then the young brunet ((brunette)) gazed into her eyes. In an instant she saw the smile of the one she once called friend. Yet her smile was different, it no longer filled the girl with warmth, but instead made her chest feel heavy. This person was once her friend. But now she was something else, something horrid. ((This is written very well))
The smile had shocked the shaking girl, not expecting it she took a step back. |
| Maki-Chan wrote: |
| The brunet ((brunette)) dropped to her knees, from hearing her friend talk to her so cruelly. |
| Maki-Chan wrote: |
Mazin just ignored Kizame, and walked towards her. To Kizame, she became a demon. Her short fiery orange hair like the flames of hell, while her pitch black eyes paled against her lightly red tinted skin.
Kizame fell onto the cement, and using her feet pushed herself away from this fire demon. While this show of fear, just brought joy to Mazin. |
Wow good description and style!
| Maki-Chan wrote: |
| Then brunet ((The brunette))held her eyes shut, and waited for the worst, but nothing happened. Cautiously she opened her eyes. Kizame expected to see an insane smiling face of someone she loved, but she was alone in the courtyard. Seeing that no one was near her she unwrapped her hold on her knees. |
This is very well written. I like your use of detail.
Is this a short story or are you continuing? I'm slightly confused as to what happened at the end too.
All and all, very good job 
Let me know if you update this
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 10:16 pm Post subject: |
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You really liked it, AWSOME! ^_^ I'll fix up the minorn errors you pointed out. To answer your question I will continue this. i will pm you when Its finished. I also hope you like chapter one too. ^_^
Thanks for that awsome review.
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 10:23 pm Post subject: |
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| To let you know. The last sentece holds a lot of importance in my story.
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The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 9:23 pm Post subject: |
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| no one else wants to comment prologue or chapter 1?
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The Cheshire Cat
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 2:09 am Post subject: |
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Whooo! I found it! XD I've been looking for where you kept this story since you told me about it. Only today did I see it above the rest of your portfolio objects.
Well, DUH, Cheshire. *facepalm*
Aaaannyway, I did find a little bit of critique...
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| No matter how much her mind wanted to step foreword |
'Forward'
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| But the only thing she could do was believe it was all a lie as the wind blew across her pale face, making her long brown hair sway. But while she murmured to herself that it was a lie, deep within her heat she knew what was said was true. |
Never ever ever ever ever start a sentence with 'but' or 'and'. Starting two in a row - big no no as well. You don't need the 'but's in either of these sentences...
The only thing she could do was believe it was all a lie as the wind blew across her pale face, making her long brown hair sway. Even as she murmured to herself that it was a lie, deep within her heat she knew what was said was true.
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| She had been staring down at the cold cement floor, of the courtyard, just not being able to look at the person before her. After a few seconds passed, she finally got enough courage to speak. |
I don't think you need that comma there. It kind of chops up the sentence needlessly.
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| The girl lied her head back against the cold brick wall, trying to relax, instead tiny clear drops of water trickled from her eyes and down her cheek; creating small wet spots on the cement. |
The comma between 'relax' and 'instead' should be turned into a period. Love this sentence otherwise! Very powerfull.
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| She placed her hands on her belly. Her stomach hurt. |
This prologue deserves a better ending, I think. Just ending it with 'Her stomach hurt.' seems so...bland...
Now that all that boring stuff is out of the way, Loved It!!! I liked that you used Japanese names, and clever ones at that. Do they have any special meaning? Can't wait to read more!
*flies over to read next chapter....and Bleach fanfiction X3*
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 4:48 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the god review. I fixed it up, and added a better ending (I think). I hope its better ^_^
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| Posted: Sat Nov 08, 2008 11:01 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Maki! Here's your review.
I didn’t really understand a whole lot about what was going on here, but I’m not worried yet. It’s the prologue. For now, I’ll just let you have the line by line and when I’ve read more of the story I may come back to this.
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Download |
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Prologue - Maki-Chan.doc |
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27.5 KB |
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| Posted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 7:36 am Post subject: |
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| She stood there, frozen- Her long twig legs shaking. |
I would suggest getting rid of 'there', it is redundant. Also, replace the '-' with a semi colon-
She stood frozen; her long twig legs shaking.
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| The girl shook her small egg shaped head, |
I'm not sure I like this description. Most heads are vaguely egg shaped, and it seems a tad unnecessary to state it. If she had an unusual shaped head, maybe then it would merit mention.
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| The only thing she could do was believe it was all a lie as the wind blew across her pale face, making her long brown hair sway. Even while she murmured to herself that it was a lie, deep within her heat she knew what was said was true. |
Heat should be heart.
You've repeated the fact she is trying to believe it is a lie twice here. Maybe if you reword it-
The girl shook her head, the wind blowing her brown hair across her pale face, trying to ignore the words that poured into her ears. Even while she murmured to herself that it was a lie, deep within her heart she knew what was said was true.
Hrrmmm... what do you think? I'm just throwing ideas around. It is up to you if you like it my way better or not.
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She had been staring down at the cold cement floor, of the courtyard, just not being able to look at the person before her. |
Remove the comma between floor and courtyard, take out 'just' and 'being', they don't work well with the flow-
She had been staring down at the cold cement floor of the courtyard, not able to look at the person before her.
Economy is a good thing, select your words carefully for maximum effectiveness.
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There was no answer, and then the young brunette gazed into her eyes.
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You need to be a little clearer here, when I first read this, I assumed 'the young brunette' was referring to the figure in front of the MC. It wasn't until I read further and realized Mazin is a red head that the main character was doing the gazing. I think this is because of the 'her', which is a general term and lead me to assume that 'her' was the character you had already described.
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| In an instant she saw the smile of the one she once called friend. |
In an instant? that means the task is done quickly. Do you mean for an instant? So she flashed the smile, rather then was quick to smile?
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| The smile had shocked the shaking girl, not expecting it she took a step back. |
I don't like the flow of the last half of the sentence. I would suggest you reword it, as it is awkward.
Maybe try something like this-
The smile was unexpected, and the shaken girl took a step back in shock.
Whatever you prefer.
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| The brunette dropped to her knees, from hearing her friend talk to her so cruelly. |
I think 'speak' fits better then 'talk' here, but that's just personal preference.
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| Mazin just ignored Kizame, and walked towards her. |
Remove the 'just'. It does nothing to improve the sentence, and even takes away from it a little.
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| while her pitch black eyes paled against her lightly red tinted skin. |
Huh? how can something pitch black pale against anything? 
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| While this show of fear, just brought joy to Mazin. |
This sentence is awkward. Say it out loud, it sounds odd, no?
I would suggest you reword it, for example-
This show of fear just brought joy to Mazin.
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“Kizame,” She murmured, as she walked closer.
“Stop,” Kizame begged.
“Kizame,” Mazin’s voice grew louder as she got closer. |
You have 'closer' at the end of two sentences close together, and the breaks between the lines make it stand out. I would suggest you reword one of the sentences for variety.
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| “Ki-za-me,” Mazin’s voice struck instant fear into Kizame, |
Instant fear? because you have described no change in Mazin's voice, and she has been speaking for a while now, this seems a little odd.
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| Her stomach hurt, but that was just the beginning as something began to emerge from her womb. |
0.0 It began to emerge this very instant? Is she giving birth....?
Overall, you have a solid prologue here. It was intriguing enough to encourage me to keep reading, and promises an interesting plot. I actually enjoyed it, well done. I would suggest you choose your words carefully, removing ones that don't add to the idea- often redundant words actually take away from your work. Maybe also read your work out loud to find the occasional flaw with flow.
But over all, very nice work. PM me if you have any questions ^^
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| Posted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 9:43 am Post subject: |
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I really liked ur story. I hope u add more to it. I like ur description of the demon ex friend Mazin just ignored Kizame, and walked towards her. To Kizame, she became a demon. Her short fiery orange hair like the flames of hell, while her pitch black eyes paled against her lightly red tinted skin.
Kizame fell onto the cement, and using her feet pushed herself away from this fire demon. While this show of fear, just brought joy to Mazin.
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| Posted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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| I liked it! i like you're use of describing (even if i don't know the context) and above some errors (who am I to speak? I don't write very correctly either) I think it's a good start and it can turn out a very good story!
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 8:27 pm Post subject: |
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| just to let you all know she isn't pregnant. Something far more interesting pops out.
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Clo
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| Posted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 8:01 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Maki! *flies in on rope* Here I am to saaave the daaay!
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| She stood there, frozen- Her long twig legs shaking. |
You don't follow a dash with another capitalized sentence. It should be, "She stood there, frozen - her long twig legs shaking".
And in this case it should be "her long twig legs wereshaking".
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| The girl shook her small egg shaped head, |
That is a very strange description to give to someone. Or at least by itself. I think you should take this description and wait for a time where you actually focus on her description - a time where you're describing more of her features. Then, put this description in there amongst the rest of them. As of now, it looks very strange.
"The girl shook her head".
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| After a few seconds passed she finally got enough courage to speak. |
Try not to say "got" in writing. Think of other verbs that better elaborate what you're trying to say "receive", "obtain" - anything you want.
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| The brunette dropped to her knees, from hearing her friend talk to her so cruelly. |
That comma isn't necessary.
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| Her short fiery orange hair [ ] like the flames of hell, while her pitch black eyes paled against her lightly red tinted skin. |
You need a verb in there where I have the brackets. Without it, this sentence is fragmented. For example, try: "Her short fiery orange hair burned like the blames of hell", or "Her short fiery orange hair shone like the flames of hell".
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| Kizame fell onto the cement, and using her feet pushed herself away from this fire demon. While this show of fear, just brought joy to Mazin. |
- Comma issue, correction: "Kizame fell onto the cement, and using her feet, pushed herself away from this fire demon."
- "While This show of fear just brought joy to Mazin". That while makes the sentence not make much sense.
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| “Kizame,” She murmured, as she walked closer. |
"she murmured" - you don't capitalize dialogue tags like this.
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| “LEAVE ME ALONE!” She screamed. |
Avoid using Caps Lock. Try using italics instead - it's a lot less amateurish looking.
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| The brunette held her eyes shut, and waited for the worst, but nothing happened. Cautiously she opened her eyes. |
- You say eyes twice here, and it's not necessary. We already know her eyes are shut, and that that's what she would be opening. So, "Cautiously, she opened them."
- Also, you need a time interval between her waiting for the worst, nothing happening, and her opening her eyes. As of now, it seems to all happen immediately. This can be amended simply by adding, "After a moment" in there.
CLARITY
Something very interesting is happening here, but I simply don't know what. First of all, you need a setting. Where is Kizame? You say it's a courtyard, but that's a very flimsy setting setup. A courtyard where? What does it look like? I have no idea, you never described anything about it, so as she is crawling and being assaulted, I have no imagery in my head as to where she is doing this cowering or what's going on around her.
Another big issue is...
WHY?
I know this is a prologue, but there is absolutely no reason for what is going on here. Here's some Whys you could answer, at least just one to help add some clarity: Why is she specifically afraid of Mazin? Why is Mazin doing this to her? Why did the actions Mazin did cause her to have something in her womb? Why is Kizame at the courtyard? You don't have to answer ALL of these - at least one would be nice. A prologue can be muddled, as it is a prologue and meant to raise questions, yet you can't leave your reader completely and absolutely uncertain of what is going on or where they are or who their character is.
I hope this review was helpful! PM me if you have questions.
~ Clo
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RoryLegend
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| Posted: Wed Nov 26, 2008 5:07 am Post subject: |
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Hello! Sorry it has taken me a while I forgot to check the "Will review for food" section. My bad.
Okay, so onto the review. I have worked with you before in storybooks and such and read your stuff. Usually I can see some type of pattern but really who doesn't have a pattern. This seems different from what you usually write, though I could be mistaken.
It is a very very promising start and I really like it.
The first paragraph really pulled me in and made me want to read more, although in the last sentence I think heat is supposed to be heart. Possibly.
The rest of it was really desctiptive and well written. I didn't catch any grammatical erros, though I am relatively tired at the moment.
I think the length was good and left us with just enough, you know keeps us guessing. It was very interesting to read. It had just the right amount of desciption and used good imagery. It was alos mysterious.
I think the last line is really strong and you can tell it is an important part, but you didn't give too much away. I really did enjoy it.
Well I will also go on and review chapter one, but I have school tomorrow (one more day before thanksgiving break!!!) so I promise I will review tomorrow after noon if I forget please please please pm me or something!
Alrighty, really good job keep it up!
--Rory :]
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