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Ali-cat
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 Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 4:08 pm Post subject: The Outcast |
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This is my first story so please tell me what you think.
I sat in the corner of the classroom and got on with my work. Alone. I’ve never been popular but over the past year, even my few close friends have slowly drifted away and have forgotten that I even exist. I’m just starting Year ten and, already, before I’ve even started my first lesson of the year, I’m getting the impression that nothing is going to change this year. I’m a loner. Everyone just ignores me. When they have to speak, they say the least they can possibly say to me. For instance, the only thing that Billy, the biggest chatterbox in the class, has ever said to me is yes and no. And it’s not because I’m fat or ugly or because I have a huge wart on my face or anything. I have pretty bog standard looks. Long brown hair, dark brown eyes, average weight and height. I’ve just kind of been rejected from day one, that’s it. And I thought that would be it for the foreseeable future…until this morning.
Mr. Hunt, the most boring English teacher in the world, was telling us off for something that wasn't even our fault. It was at this point that the most handsome guy I'd ever seen walked into the room. He looked about 5ft 11, with blue eyes and blond hair. He walked over to Mr. Hunt and talked quietly to him for a minute or so and then they both faced towards the class. Mr. Hunt introduced him to the us as Tom, the new boy and then told him to take a seat. He glanced around the room, looking for empty chairs. There was one by Paul, the class geek, and Katie, the popular girl had got her “sidekick” Emily, to move so that there was empty space next to her.
He surprised everyone with his choice of seat, especially me. He walked straight past Katie, the popular, pretty one, and came and sat in the empty seat next to me, the loner. Katie and most of the rest of the class (who weren’t ignoring me) turned in their seats and glared at me and then turned and smiled at Tom. Tom looked at me with my head down, and then at the rest of the class glaring at me, mouthed sorry to me and winked. I whispered to him that my name was Meg and it was nice to meet him. After about a year, the class finally ended and Katie strode over to us.
“Tom”, she said giving him her most flirtatious look. “You know, you could of sat next to me? Why did you sit next to Megan?” She spat the word Megan out like it was dirt on her tongue. Tom looked at me confused.
“I didn’t know there was a rule saying I have to sit next to you …” He paused and looked to her for a name.
“Katie. Anyway, it doesn’t matter now, but look, what lesson do you have next? I probably have the same one as you. I’ll take you to it if y...”
“It’s OK”, Tom butted in before she could finish. “Megan has already offered to show me around, haven’t you, Meg?” He looked at me and smiled and even though I hadn’t mentioned anything about showing him around, I agreed and we walked off leaving Katie stood their with her mouth gaping open.
“What was all that about?”, I asked Tom as we walked along the corridor to our next lesson which coincidentally we shared.
“Well, let’s just say that I’ve dealt with her type before, and it wasn’t pleasant!” He almost laughed as he said it and I watched him in awe. I couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing. Good-looking guys like him always LOVE the good-looking girls like Katie and even if they don’t, they never even so much as glance at me!
I showed Tom around the school at break and then we didn’t see each other for the next two lessons. I expected that by lunchtime, he would have found out what a loser I was, so I was very pleasantly surprised when he came and sat at my table to eat his lunch.
This isn't finished. I will update it when i can. |
Last edited by Ali-cat on Mon Sep 15, 2008 7:50 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Gee
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 8:07 pm Post subject: |
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Hey! Well, I saw this earlier, and now I can see that you've changed it a bit, which is good. But even though I'm your friend, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to nitpick it because I'm like that. Don't hate me!
OK, here we go.
First of all-tense. It sways between future, past and present, which can get confusing for the reader. Its best just to stick with one tense.
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| Everyone just blanks me or tries to say the least they can possibly say to me |
to me, this sounds a bit odd. A better idea would be to change it to 'Everyone blanks me. When they have to talk to me they say as little as possible.'
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| I have pretty bog standard looks. |
You use 'bog standard' a lot, so I would try to simplify this sentence to ' I have a fairly normal appearance'.
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| There was one by Paul, the class geek, and Katie, the popular girl had got her “sidekick” Emily, to move so that there was space next to her. |
Sorry to change it, again, but i would make this into 'There was one by Paul, the class geek. Katie, the popular girl had got her 'sidekick'-Emily- to move so that there was a space next to Katie.'
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| Good-looking guys like him always LOVE the good-looking girls like Katie |
Last thing, but I would change this as well. You've used 'good-looking' twice in one sentence, which you shouldn't do because it sounds a bit repetitive. Try: 'Good-looking guys like him always LOVE the gorgeous girls like Katie.'
keep on writing, this is good so far!! tell me when you write more!
mwa x |
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Squishy
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 10:53 pm Post subject: |
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okay... referring to
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Good-looking guys like him always LOVE the good-looking girls like Katie
Last thing, but I would change this as well. You've used 'good-looking' twice in one sentence, which you shouldn't do because it sounds a bit repetitive. Try: 'Good-looking guys like him always LOVE the gorgeous girls like Katie.' |
I actually like the use of good-looking twice. I think it drives int eh point and makes a good parallel sentence.
and now that that's out of the way...
my big pet pieve is exclamation points (ahhhgghghg! how I hate them!) I would suggest taking them out of your story because the sentances you use them in don't acutally neeed the extra emphasis.
you get into a bit of "telling, not showing" which is something us writers will have a hard time with as long as we are putting words on paper. "Showing" tends to be a bit tedious though and makes writing almost work, and as this is your first story on here (welcome to YWS!) i think it's safe to say we can all let it go. writing should be fun and somehting you do because you love it; we work way to hard at school to go home and turn our only escape into more work too.
also, the way you write leads me to believe that your from a different region of the world than I hail from (boring dull Idaho) and I was curious to see if I'm right in assuming so. so where, my friend, do you call home?
but anyways...
just keep chugging along. I'm really really really interested in what's to come next with this story, so tell me when more comes up too! |
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Night Mistress
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 2:09 pm Post subject: |
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| i have to say that i am interested in your story, so post another piece soon and when you do, make sure you pm me. |
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Gee
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 3:10 pm Post subject: |
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ooh! lots of peeps like your story (i told you it was good but you didn't think so!)
write more, the crowd wants more!!!!
mwa
xx |
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Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them as much. |
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tnme22
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 9:51 pm Post subject: Re: The Outcast |
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| Ali-cat wrote: |
I sat in the corner of the classroom and got on with my work. Alone. I’ve never been popular but over the past year, even my few close friends have slowly drifted away and have forgotten that I even exist. I’m just starting Year 10 and, already, before I’ve even walked into the classroom, I’m getting the impression that nothing is going to change this year. I’m a loner. Everyone just blanks me or tries to say the least they can possibly say to me. For instance, the only thing that Billy, the biggest chatterbox in the class, has ever said to me is yes and no! And it’s not because I’m fat or ugly or because I have a huge wart on my face or anything. I have pretty bog standard looks. Long brown hair, dark brown eyes, average weight and height. I’ve just kind of been rejected from day one, that’s it. And I thought that would be it for the foreseeable future…until this morning! |
I like this first paragraph. You have really good writing style and I really like the MC's voice.
Just two teeny tiny things...I'm not sure what you mean by 'everyone just blanks at me', what is 'to blank'? Also, I don't think you need an exclamation point at the end of no, a period would suffice.
| Ali-cat wrote: |
| Mr. Hunt, the most boring English teacher in the world, was giving us a lecture on something that we probably didn’t even do in the first place when the most gorgeous boy ((I'd))i'd ever seen walked into the room. He was probably about 5ft 11, with blue eyes and blond hair. He walked over to Mr. Hunt and talked quietly to him for a minute or so and then they both faced towards the class. Mr. Hunt introduced him to the us as Tom, the new boy[color=red],and then told him to take a seat. He glanced around the room, looking for empty chairs. There was one by Paul, the class geek, and Katie, the popular girl had got her “sidekick” Emily, to move so that there was space next to her.[/color] |
The first thing I reddened, 'probably didn't even do in the first place' doesn't read very well. Try something along the lines of 'would never need to know'.
Again, nice voicing and style. 
| Ali-cat wrote: |
| But he surprised everyone with his choice of seat, especially me. He walked straight past Katie, the popular, pretty one, and came and sat in the empty seat next to me, the bog standard loner! Katie and most of the rest of the class (who weren’t blankingme) turned in their seats and glared at me and then turned and smiled at Tom. Tom looked at me with my head down, and then at the rest of the class glaring at me, mouthed sorry to me and winked. I whispered to him that my name was Meg and it was nice to meet him. After about a year, the class finally ended and Katie strode over to us. |
Probably could suffice with a period after loner, and again, not sure what 'blanking' is. (Maybe it's location thing...I'm from the midwest )
Love that last line 
| Ali-cat wrote: |
“Tom”, she said giving him her most flirtatious look. “You know, you could of sat next to me? Why did you sit next to Megan?” She spat the word Megan out like it was dirt on her tongue.[/blue] Tom looked at me confused.
“I didn’t know [color=red]their ((there)) was a rule saying I have to sit next to you …” He paused and looked to her for a name. |
Ahh! Love the line in blue! Wonderfully written
I really like this so far. You have very good, strong characters, and I love the voicing and style. Just a few teeny grammar errors but other than that this is very good.
Let me know when you update it |
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Forever.
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 10:53 pm Post subject: |
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This is pretty good.
I mean I like it.
Yeah there are a few mistakes, but it's good.
And I like some of the lines you write.
Anyway I hope you update it soon. |
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jasmine12
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 9:15 pm Post subject: Re: The Outcast |
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Hello. I know you posted this a few days ago, but I'd like to just do a quick one over for you. I saw that someone had already pointed out grammar and sentense structures, so if there is something that I repeat, sorry. Oh, I'm Jasmine by the way and welcome to YWS!!! haha. Okay, on I go.
,
Write out ten.
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| I’m getting the impression that nothing is going to change this year |
The beginning you said Meg was already in her seat, and now not only did you mess up the tense but you go backwards.
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| Everyone just blanks me. |
What do you mean by blanks? I don't know what that means, unless I'm just like slow or something, go for something else here.
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| Mr. Hunt, the most boring English teacher in the world, was giving us a lecture on something that we probably didn’t even do in the first place when the most gorgeous boy i'd ever seen walked into the room. |
This sentence is a bit long. Try breaking it up to someting like Mr. Hunt, the most boring English teacher in the world, was lecturing us about classwork we never received. He tended to do that a bit. It was then, when I was gazing out the window, the most gorgeous boy I'd ever seen walked into the room Also, I got confused when you were talking about the teacher, that's why I changed it. Also, you didn't capitilize your I.
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| Mr. Hunt introduced him to the us as Tom, the new boy and then told him to take a seat. |
comma after boy.
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| There was one by Paul, the class geek, and Katie, the popular girl had got her “sidekick” Emily, to move so that there was space next to Katie. |
Make sure you add in there that there was an empty seat beside her.
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| But he surprised everyone with his choice of seat, especially me |
Don't start a sentence with 'but' they are conjunctions and they...connect...two sentences not start them.
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| the bog standard loner. |
Bog is another word that I don't know. It sounds to me like it's gross. If I'm wrong, which is probably the case, use a different word.
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| Good-looking guys like him always LOVE the good-looking girls like Katie and even if they don’t, they never even so much as glance at me! |
I like how you used 'good-looking' twice, it makes me think that they are like puzzle pieces, meant for each other. But he wants meg instead. Cute.
I'm not trying to be harsh here, but stuff like this (the boring loner falls for gorgeous new kid) is kind of over done. I hope that in the following chapters you spice it up a bit. I would love to read them.
--Jasmine |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 4:09 pm Post subject: |
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Hello, Ali-Cat!
This is your first story, huH? Well, away I go to correct it!! 
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| I’m just starting Year 10 and, already, before I’ve even walked into the classroom, I’m getting the impression that nothing is going to change this year. |
Remember that when you have numbers in your text, you need to write them out, like "ten" instead of "10"
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| Everyone just blanks me. |
I'm not sure what you mean by this. I would elaborate.
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| I have pretty bog standard looks. |
"Bog" standards?? I'm guessing that is slang for something...but I'm really sorry because I'm not sure what that means.... I would try to choose a different word, just so all people can read this without getting confused.
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| Mr. Hunt, the most boring English teacher in the world, was giving us a lecture on something that we probably didn’t even do in the first place when the most gorgeous boy i'd ever seen walked into the room. |
All right, this is kind of cliche. Sorry I would try to make this line more unique. Don't use gorgeous. Describe the guy. Everyone has their own personal preferences about what gorgeous means to them. Try to get that personal perspective from your MC. What is it about him that makes him gorgeous??
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| After about a year, the class finally ended and Katie strode over to us. |
Obviously you are exaggerating here. Try not to do that, unless this is in the characters thoughts.
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| “It’s OK”, Tom butted in before she could finish. “Megan has already offered to show me around, haven’t you Meg?” |
There should be a comma before "Meg"
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| This isn't finished. I will update it when i can. |
You better! hehe
Now, you have a good story, overall, but it is cliche with the hot guy and the average girl falling in love kind of thing. Try to spice it up, add some uniqueness to it, you know.
Hope this helps! |
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Lilith
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 12:37 am Post subject: |
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This could definately use a little work, mostly in refining characters. It has that feeling of "genericness" if thats even a word. The characters just need to get the kick in the chest of life but its only the beginning of course and there is plenty of time to bring them alive, just don't take too long.
Also, the word loner come up more than I think it should. Once you make the point, its made. Don't continue to poke us in the forehead with the same sad story, it'll push readers away.
And, last comment because I'm starting too feel like a nazi, your first paragraph could use with some work. Leave out a few details perhaps. take your time telling Meg's story. Just an idea, but start with the class and how its dragging on, touch on Meg's story, throw in that line "And I thought that would be it for the foreseeable future…until this morning. " then go on with the story.
Anyway, sorry if that was brutal. I always feel like a mean critiquer. But it was good and sounds like a delightful story. |
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fun4eva
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:25 am Post subject: |
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Hii! and welcome to YWS!
As for your story, I was thouroughly interested from the time I read the first line.
I do not have much to say. All the mistakes have already been pointed out.
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| After about a year, the class finally ended and Katie strode over to us. |
I LOVE this line!! was funny...
You have a nice sense of humour and you know hot much of it to use and when to use it!
You have a lot of potential. Please let me know when you update the story or post the next part of it....AM waiting eagerly!! |
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