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Excerpt from my NaNo
Excerpt from my NaNo
by KailaMarie in Other Fiction
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This thread was created on September 8, 2008
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Breakdown

Topic ID: 35751
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Fellow   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 10:39 am    Post subject: Breakdown Reply with quote

Math hours could bring you at the brink of insanity!!!

Its cold… silence. For the first time in my life I feel alone like every one is gone. They dragged me on my knees through Hell and now they have left me? I lay defeated in an empty room with a kitchen knife next to me.

Should I? Or should I not? My life depends on my decision.

The rain drops hit the window and it seems that it will break at a simple touch of a human being.

Thumpa…Thumpa…Thumpa … my heart beats her last beats. The sound of a voice wakes me up from my breakdown . “Akayl! Where are you?” My best friend came for me, but its to late. The decision is made.

“Akayl! Answer me!”

Thumpa… Thumpa…Thumpa… Lighting flash on the sky and then the thunder overcomes the sound of rain. A tear courses down my face and joins the dust and dirt of many years on the floor.

Thumpa…Thumpa…Thumpa… I fear! My eyes hurt, my chest hurts… I bleed inside and the blood doesn’t stop.

“Akayl! Please!” The door opens and my friend falls in his knees beside me and takes my pulse.

Thumpa…Thumpa…Thumpa… I would like to calm him down. To whisper “I`m alive!” and for him to hug me like he never did. But the decision was made.

I will live! But I will die at the same time.

I`m not that scary, and i never intended to kill myself and i never will intend. Just say what you think and review.

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Last edited by Fellow on Tue Sep 09, 2008 6:22 pm; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 2:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
WOW. All that because of a math lesson.........................................................................................


WOW. Good, I didn't find any flaws- Very Happy ........................................................................................................

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 11:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
hahaha.. math is funny..

i think it should be "through hell" and that's all i found..

good section of literaure.. would like a story to go around it, could become [/b][/i]very[i][b] powerful.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 11:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Wow. I found a few errors, but most likely it's just translation.

Quote:
Math hour could bring you to the edge of insanity!!!


It's just me, but I don't like multiple exclamation marks.

Quote:
joins the dust and dirty on my face


That's "dirt." You just had the wrong part of speech.

Quote:
to whisper


Maybe, "I want to calm him down, to whisper to him" would work better? I think that's about it.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 2:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
...Hic! I didn't thought that math could make you kill yourself. o.O Leaving the part with the math the actuall writing is quite good. I like how you keep the tension by writing the heart beats
Quote:
Thumpa...Thumpa...Thumpa...

And ... *sniff*... you got a boyfriend.
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Most of the flaws I found were purely technical/grammatical, a few of which I shall here expound upon:

Quote:
For the first time in my life I feel alone like every one is gone.


Being alone generally means that everyone is gone--be more specific, tell us why everyone being gone (or feeling that everyone is gone) is affecting your character so much.


Quote:
dragged me in my knees trough


Should be: "dragged me on my knees through Hell".


Quote:
now they left me


I think you mean: "now they have left me" or "now they've left me".


Quote:
The rain drops hit the window that it seems it will break at a simple touch of a human being.
[/quote]

The bit in red makes this sentence confusing. Do you mean "hit the window and make it seem that it will break" or "hit the window and it seems the window will break" or what? You see what I mean.


Quote:
…Thumpa…Thumpa…Thumpa …


1. You generally don't use an ellipsis (that's those three little dots "...") before a sentence, so delete the first three periods.
2. You might want to put this in italics--its a style difference, but it might make it more clear that this is something immediate, something we're experiencing/hearing directly.


Quote:
Lightings flash on the sky and then the thunder overcomes the sound of rain. A tear courses down my face and joins the dust and dirty of many years on the floor.


This is really beautiful, darling--you really bring us into the scene, like we're there with your character and can feel what she's feeling. (one small note: it's "Lightning" not "Lightings")


Quote:
I would like to calm him down. “I`m alive!” to whisper and he to hug me


Again, purely technical difficulties: "To whisper 'I'm alive!'", "for him to hug me".


A very lovely piece here, darling, very compelling. Keep writing!

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"I would take the song of the swan as my entertainment, the cry of the gannet and the call of the curlew in place of human laughter...storms would pound the rocky cliffs whilst the tern, icy-winged, answered them..." ~The Seafarer, 10th century
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 3:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Do you really hate math that much? Wink Laughing

Very nice piece, really sad.

Quote:
For the first time in my life I feel alone like every one is gone.

"every one" should be "everyone." If you want a slight pause in the sentence, I would put a comma after "alone"

I love all of the "I will live, but I will also die" and the "I'm bleeding inside and it doesn't stop" Good dramatic effects!

Sometimes, you switch tense on us, so be careful of that.

Quote:
My best friend came for me, but its to late.

"its" is the possesive form of "it." That means that if something belongs to an "it" then the word would be "its." When you want to use "it's" as a contraction of "it is," so there is an apostrophe between the "t" and the "s"

Other than that, I didn't find any grammatical mistakes.

I know you only had a short time to write this, so it would be rather silly of me to ask you to give more depth to your characters, etc.

I really enjoyed it, as always.

-Sea-

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 9:17 pm    Post subject: Re: Breakdown Reply with quote
Math hours could bring you at the brink of insanity!!!

Refrain from using exclamation marks at the ends of your sentences, it takes maturity away from one's work.

Rephrasal of the sentence: "Maths hours can bring you to the brink of insanity."

Okay...I just realised that wasn't even part of the story. Embarassed

Its cold… silence.

You need an apostrophe between I and T, hence, "It's cold...silence."

For the first time in my life I feel alone like every one is gone.

Comma after "life".


Thumpa…Thumpa…Thumpa … my heart beats her last beats. The sound of a voice wakes me up from my breakdown .

Interesting that you chose to portray the heart as being feminine.

“Akayl! Where are you?” My best friend came for me, but its to late. The decision is made.
“Akayl! Answer me!”

Rephrase it, apostrophes missing. Hence, "My best friend called me, but it was too late. The decision was made".

Thumpa… Thumpa…Thumpa… Lighting flash on the sky and then the thunder overcomes the sound of rain.

Lightning flashes, not lightning flash.

A tear courses down my face and joins the dust and dirt of many years on the floor.

Good!

“Akayl! Please!” The door opens and my friend falls in his knees beside me and takes my pulse.

Falls onto his knees, not falls in his knees.


Thumpa…Thumpa…Thumpa… I would like to calm him down. To whisper “I`m alive!” and for him to hug me like he never did. But the decision was made.

Great, very emotional.

I will live! But I will die at the same time.

No need for exclamation mark.


___________

This was good, very sad. Only issues were grammatical.

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They fade into the emptiness, another dark gray day.
Dreams are only memories of the life I had back then.
Dreams are eraser dust and now I use a pen.
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This thread was created on September 8, 2008

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