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Cobweb
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 Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 6:25 am Post subject: Drop Off Point--Second Part Posted |
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CHAPTER I
The storm pounded on the car roof, creating a steel mesh in the head lights, washing the highway in oily black. As if by design, both the storm outside the car and the conversation inside reached a crisis point in unison.
The driver of the car turned toward Leland in laughing disbelief. “You’re Leland Striker. Yeah, I’m Will Smith.” He laughed. “Leland Striker. Okay.” He shook his head, still grinning.
Leland smiled. “No, really, I am.” Why did he bother to push it? But some stubborn part of him resented being disbelieved.
The driver glanced at him, brow crinkled; he took a quick peek at the rain-washed road and then back to Leland. The windshield wipers squeaked and the rain hissed past the car doors. “Yeah, right.” The driver stared at the road, his grin less amused.
“Any reason why I shouldn’t be?” Leland asked mildly. He didn’t look at the driver; he was bending his leg to see how the rip in his jeans pulled open tight.
“Wha...” The driver’s laugh was forced. “Dude.” He shook his head. “Dude.”
“Okay.” Leland leaned his head back against the seat.
The driver looked between Leland and the windshield, his mouth open, eyes wide. “Shit! You are him, aren’t you.”
“I was saying.” Leland shrugged and grinned, a flash of white in the dim illumination of the dash lights. His smile was a grimace.
The driver’s face hardened, anger replacing surprise. Leland saw the change from the corner of his eye. He didn’t say anything. Just sat.
The driver muttered curses, lips tight against his teeth, eyes darting between the road and speedometer. There was no need, but he was avoiding looking at Leland. Leland knew that look. He felt a slow bitter seep begin in his chest running to his stomach.
“You know, dude, you’re gonna have’ta get out.” The driver shook his head, still looking at the dash.
Leland grinned again, his peculiar grimace. The situation had a sort of macabre humor about it that Leland would have enjoyed more if he hadn’t been only just now starting to dry out, his jeans still wet all the uncomfortable places. That thought of walking in the rain faded his smile.
“You’re kidding,” said Leland mildly, knowing he wasn’t.
“Dude, you’re gonna have to get out.” The driver was slowing down, looking for a place to pull over, peering through the driving rain.
Leland felt fatigue and exposure setting in, dulling his senses, quickening his anger. What was wrong with this fool? “I’m not getting out in the middle of nowhere,” he snapped.
The driver’s eyes widened, quickly turning smoky with personal dislike. “I’m dropping you off. You’re getting out.” He jerked the wheel and hit the brakes. The car skidded to a stop on the gravel shoulder, the headlight bouncing off rain, dimming the pine trees at the roads edge.
“Out.” The driver stabbed a finger at the door.
Leland swung his head side to side. “Damn,” he whispered. And louder. “Damn!”
“Out!” the driver screamed.
“Like hell!” Leland turned to face him.
“You know...!” The driver pulled the emergency brake and twisted around to reach under his seat. Leland watched in mild curiosity. The driver suddenly popped back up and Leland was staring into the barrel of a 45 ACP. “I picked you up, now I’m letting you off. Get out.”
Leland laughed. Popped the door handle. The wind-whipped rain blew into the car, wetting the leg of his jeans. “Don’t shoot yourself. I’m going.” He stepped out of the car, leaving the door open. The driver leaned over, still holding the gun on Leland, and yanked the door shut with the opposite hand.
Leland stood in the drenching rain as the car wheels bit gravel, spinning out on the loose shoulder before catching pavement. The fading roar of the engine mixed with the falling rain.
Leland stood in the dark, already soaked to the skin. He stuck his fist out, thumb up. Let it fall back to his side. “Damn,” he whispered, but his voice was lost in the sound of rain on the trees. |
Last edited by Cobweb on Wed Oct 01, 2008 10:45 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Patch
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 8:39 am Post subject: |
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Hope you don't mind being the guinea pig for my first review.
I found your short story very intriguing. The way you write flows very well and progresses smoothly. You've done an excellent job of describing the way characters appear and act giving them a realistic feel. Also you've managed to capture the mood of the setting with the rain and the drivers reactions.
You're obviously a competent writer and you use appropriate and descriptive language. I'm a little confused about the way characters talk later, like Leland when he sayd "Don't shoot yourself" and also his light hearted approach to the whole scenario, even after the driver pulls the gun.
Still, an interesting story with an open ending, but sometimes it's best to leave things a mystery. |
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GryphonFledgling
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 12:21 am Post subject: |
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Ooh, I'm interested. I loved the simple effectiveness of your writing and the level of description you bring in without actually stopping to describe things. I dunno, I just felt like this was chockful of imagery, but as I reread, it is kind of sparse. Nonetheless, this was a nicely powerful piece.
Two things, really:
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| As if by design, the storm that pounded on the car roof, creating a steel mesh in the head lights, washing the highway in oily black, and the conversation inside the car retched a crisis point in unison. |
Okay, first, that is some kick-booty imagery in there. I love it. The problem is, since it is inserted in an awkward place, it throws the whole sentence off and loses some of its momentum consequently. I got so caught up in reading the great description of the storm that I totally forgot what the sentence was about and when I came to the end, I was like "huh?" Call me slow, but that was what happened. A more effective rewrite might be:
"As if by design, the storm and the conversation inside the car reached* a crisis point in unison. The storm pounded on the car roof, creating a steel mesh in the headlights and washed the highway in oily black, while the driver turned toward Leland in laughing disbelief."
* I think that is what you meant. I can't see how "retched" (threw up) made sense in that context. But if I'm wrong, by all means correct me.
See? I kept all of your original language, just sort of changed the articles and rearranged. Now it reads so much clearer and is more effective for it.
Numbah twoo!
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| Would have been funny if Leland hadn’t been only just now drying out, his jeans still wet all the uncomfortable places. |
Methinks you need a friendly question mark at the end of that sentence, considering how you're asking a question here. However, I'm a little confused by that sentence. Is there any way you could reword it so that it is more clear? Is he really just now drying out? I'm not sure. Editing would be greatly appreciated in that instance. Sarcasm is kind of a hard thing to get across in prose sometimes (as are many subtle emotions, thus the birth of the all-encompassing txt smileys... they are great for adding emotion in no uncertain terms in a casual e-mail) so you have to kind of make it really obvious if you don't want to keep saying "jk" after every line.
Ooh, one more thing I just noticed, quite small:
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| He stuck his hand out, thumb up. |
Yeah, when you say "hand", I think palm out, held sideways with his thumb sticking up, which sort of conflicts with the hitchhiking sign image in my head. A better word choice might be "fist".
Anyhoo, otherwise, this was great. It had a great hook and I am interested. You set up a mystery and now I want to know what happens next! And on top of it all, a Will Smith reference! *happy dance* Would you please PM when you post the next chapter?
*thumbs up* Magnificent work.
~GryphonFledgling |
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Cobweb
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 1:33 am Post subject: |
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Thank you both for taking the time to read and review! It was helpful. I’m not an editor, I just throw writing out as fast as I can type.  I shall certainly let you know when I post more. Again, thanks.
Cobweb |
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Bickazer
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 1:59 am Post subject: Re: Drop Off Point |
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| As if by design, the storm that pounded on the car roof, creating a steel mesh in the head lights, washing the highway in oily black, and the conversation inside the car retched a crisis point in unison. |
This sentence is rather awkwardly worded...not only does it seem to be a run-on, but you also don't follow through on what the storm is supposed to be (you say "the storm THAT...", but don't say what it WAS). This would be more natural as two different sentences, methinks.
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| Leland smiled. “No, really I am.” |
There should be a comma between "really" and "I", and this may just be my personal preferences speaking but the sentence might be stronger if you put an italic emphasis on "am".
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| Why did he bother to push it? Some stubborn part of him resented being disbelieved. |
I'd put "Perhaps because" in front of the "some stubborn part"...it connects the second sentence more strongly with the first.
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| The driver glanced at him, brow crinkled; took a quick peek at the rain washed road and then back to Leland. |
There should be a "he" in front of the "took". Also, a hyphen to connect "rain" and "washed".
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| The windshield wipers squeaked and the rain hissed passed the car doors |
Wonderful piece of imagery--I can definitely see this happening and you didn't need many words to describe it. Well done.
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| “Any reason why I shouldn’t be?” Leland ask mildly, bending his leg to see how the rip in his jeans pulled open tight. |
First of all, it should be "asked" not, "ask"...and I'm not sure I understand what this sentence is about. Leland's jeans...? It could be worded in a more natural way, and let the reader be more clear on what exactly it's talking about. And yeah, that wasn't a stellar example of a straightforward sentence either. >_>
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| “Wha...” The driver laughed, forced. |
Probably be better rendered as "The driver's laugh sounded forced".
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| You are him, aren’t you.” |
Again, this may just be my preferences, but "are" could probably be italicized for emphasis.
"Saying" could also be italicized, again for stronger emphasis.
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| The driver’s face was hardening, anger replacing surprise. |
This is a usage of the passive voice; it'd be much stronger as "The driver's face hardened".
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| The driver was muttering curses, lips tight against his teeth, eyes darting between the road and speedometer. |
Nice description, but again, change that "was muttering" to "muttered". I like the imagery here, though.
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| It really was funny. |
This sentence just feels...painfully immature and jarring. It doesn't seem like something that would belong in a professional work of writing, you know? I'm...bothered by it; I can't exactly explain why, though. But I think this pargraph would be better off without this sentence, as it doesn't flow that well with the rest of the paragraph.
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| Would have been funny if Leland hadn’t been only just now drying out, his jeans still wet all the uncomfortable places. |
Like Gryph, I'm having a bit of trouble understanding what you're trying to get at here...care to make this sentence a little more clear?
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| Leland was tired. He hated the rain. |
Um...there must be a better way to get these two thoughts down in a more natural, mature way...no offense, but these sentences are first-grader sentences. I can see you're aiming for a sparse style and so far you've done very well, but all the same these two sentences need a little more embellishment. Something like..."Leland felt his eyes droop; he was tired. The pounding of the rain irritated him". Only better.
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| The driver’s eyes widened, quickly turning smoky with dislike. |
Nice imagery there.
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| “Out.” The driver stabbed a finger at the door.” |
You don't need the last quote mark there. 
Sorry, I have to get off now, my mom is pressuring me into studying. I'll finish the rest ASAP. |
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Cobweb
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 11:36 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, did a little editing. Let me know if the hard to understand parts are any better.
Once again, thank you all so very much. I’m really getting some constructive replies here. As I said, I’m not the editing type. Much thanks. |
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Bickazer
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 3:15 pm Post subject: |
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Here's the rest of the review~! Sorry for truncating it so abruptly, but my mom was screaming. It was not pleasant in the least.
Anyway...
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| Leland laughed. Popped the door handle. |
I can see the effect you're aiming for here, but it doesn't...quite work. The last sentence is a fragment, and these two sentences just feel choppy and awkward. It'd be better if you merged them with an "and".
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| The wind whipped rain blew into the car, wetting the leg of his jeans. |
There should be a hyphen between the "wind" and the "whipped".
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| “Don’t shoot yourself. I’m going.” He stepped out of the car, stepped back and leaving the door open. |
Either turn the last part into "stepping back and leaving the door open", or "stepped back and left the door open". That way, the tenses match. Or, better yet, excise the "stepped back" part completely; its unnecessary and slows down the action.
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| The fading roar of the engine mixed with the rain, running out altogether. |
Some ratther...odd...verb choice here, with the usage of "running"...I think I know what you're trying to get at, but the verb "running" doesn't quite convey it and seems confusing. I'm not entirely sure what the "running out altogether" part is supposed to mean, though; you could probably do well to clarify it.
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| He stuck his fist out, thumb up. Let it fall back to his side. |
Again, the second sentence here is a fragment. Connect the two with a "but".
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| “Damn,” he whispered, but his voice was lost in the sound of rain on the trees. |
Nice ending--very atmospheric.
I quite liked this. It's atmospheric, the imagery is great even while the prose is sparse, and the dialogue realistic. I could really picture what was going on, and you never once overloaded with description, which I thought was nice. I like how mysterious the piece is, in particular--it works very well as a lead-in for a novel (which I take this is?). You've certainly hooked me; I'm intrigued and I want to read more. In particular, I'd like to know who Leland is and why the driver was so adamant about not driving him. But you'll cover those in due time, won't you? Because while the air of mystery is good for a first chapter, it doesn't quite work if it pervades the rest of the novel...the reader will get irritated very fast if the writer refuses to divulge anything. Still, as a hook this is wonderful--I definitely want to read more, so a job well done!
Most of your errors are mechanical ones (particularly your tendency to write fragments) or odd usages of words, but by and large this was very well-written. Keep up the good work!
On a side note, though, "Leland" is one of my favorite names ever, so you've got my vote there.  |
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Cobweb
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:26 am Post subject: |
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CHAPTER II
It was an unsteady, washed dawn when Leland heard the car. The faint sound of an engine taking the early morning highway at a neat seventy-five.
Leland had been walking for over an hour and he paused in the graveled lot that surrounded two grain silos. The silos stood back from the highway in a maze of muddy truck lanes, alone except for several tin-roofed sheds, all securely locked: Leland had checked. He frowned and hunched his shoulders under damp clothing, cold in the sharp dawn air; the distant sound of a car engine making him straighten.
Leland made it to the highway in time to see a yellow Toyota convertible whip past. “Hey,” he screamed, waving his arms. “Stop, will you!” He ran onto the highway, jumping and shouting like a wilderness lost hiker trying to attract a plane. The black-topped speak of yellow rounded a curve and disappeared.
As the prospect of a day walking the shoulder of the highway to God knew where loomed before him, he wished he hadn’t thrown away his cell phone. Leland stood staring down the empty highway, hands shoved into his pants pockets. He shivered, clenching his jaw to keep his teeth quiet.
Other than the grain silos there was nothing to be seen in either direction. Leland no longer knew where he was. Stupid move to have told that guy your real name. Leland smiled grimly, lips together. Hands in pockets he tucked his elbows against his lean ribs and started walking.
Leland walked the yellow dashes in the middle of the highway, water still pooled where the pavement dipped, watching his feet move over and over the dark grey asphalt. It had a hypnotic affect. The blare of car horn jerked him wake to see a red Pontiac rushing toward him around a curve. He danced backwards out of the cars path, waving his arms although the driver had obviously seen him. It swerved around him, slamming to a stop at the roads edge several yards past.
“Are you insane?!” The driver of the car was a girl in her mid twenties, short strawberry-blond hair loose and wind blown around her face. “Get your butt out of the middle of the road!”
Leland spread his hands to express innocence as he approached her window, not bothering to shout over her.
“If I’d hit you, it would have been your own fault. What the hell are you doing?” The girl’s anger, mostly from having been given a fright, was fading and she frowned at Leland with annoyed perplexity.
“Running a survey on the average response time of Washington drivers.” Leland grinned and tried to keep his teeth from chattering. The girl made a face of annoyance and turned her head toward the passenger, a girl about her age wearing her dark hair in short puppy-tails. There was an exchange of words and the driver turned back to Leland as he stopped several feet from the car.
“Do you want to make a phone call? Did your car break down?”
“Yes and no. It more like went off the road,” Leland said. “But don’t worry about the call, it’ll take more than a tow truck.”
The girl looked at him, surprised. “And you were in it?”
“Yeah.” Leland remembered the sick stab of fear when he realized he’d lost control of the mustang, wheels sliding on pavement. It had shook him up but the car was no loss since it hadn’t been his.
“Are you hurt? We can give you a lift...”
“Where’re you headed?” this from the passenger.
“Someplace warm and dry, hopefully.”
“You’re going the wrong direction for dry.”
Leland searched the choppy hills, dim in the grey, watery light; trees scattered along the highway, the distant mountains hidden in the mist. He had no idea where he was.
“Uh, yeah.” Leland tried a smile. Will you quit talking and make up your mind? I’m freezing my butt off, I’ve just survived running my car off the road and an hour walking in the rain...
“We’re going toward Seattle. We’ll drop you off somewhere, if you want,” the driver seemed less than eager.
“Great. Thanks.” Seattle was exactly the wrong direction but Leland didn’t feel he was in a position to be choosy. He was shivering so hard he had difficulty opening the car door. He slid into the back seat beside a photo album and a bag of pretzels. The warmth of the car was blessed relief.
“How long were you walking?” The girl in the passenger seat surveyed his sodden and muddied state.
“Too long. The heat feels good,” said Leland hopefully.
The girl in the passengers seat obligingly cranked the dial. “So where did you go off the road?”
Leland shrugged. “I don’t know. ‘Bout...” he tried to calculate the miles covered with Mr. 45 ACP. “Forty miles up the road, maybe.”
The girl nodded, interested, her dark eyes watching him. “Drunk?”
Leland’s eye widened. “What makes you ask that?”
She smiled wryly. “No reason.”
“Sure.” Leland leaned against the seat and closed his eyes. The girl in the drivers seat sighed.
The girl with the dark puppytails continued. “I’m Carla and this is Serene.”
Leland nodded but didn’t open his eyes.
“And you’re Leland Striker.” Leland flinched but said nothing. “I saw you in concert once. You opened for Good Charlotte.”
“How nice.” Leland’s tone was patronizing.
“So did the police chase you down? Is that why you ran off the road?”
Leland laughed.
“I guess this is kinda back tracking for you. You came from Seattle? Why were you leaving?” There was no attempt at subtlety.
“I was having too much fun there.”
The girl looked at him, her brown eyes wide and solemn. “You’re a dead man, Striker.” She grinned then, white teeth flashing, but Leland felt a shiver run up his back and over his ribs. He decided he didn’t like Carla or her disdainful friend. If he hadn’t just been getting dry he’d have had her stop the car and let him off. But hitchhiking was a fading art and Seattle was a long way off. |
Last edited by Cobweb on Thu Oct 02, 2008 11:58 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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GryphonFledgling
It's elementary...
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 10:59 pm Post subject: |
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Well, hello there. Thanks a lot for the PM! More Leland! Yay!
Beware, however. I am feeling wordy today, so this may be one heck of a long review.
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| ...Leland heard his first car. |
In all honesty, it sounded as though this were a flashback and this was the first time Leland had ever seen a car in his entire life. Usually, when you precede "first" or "last" with a pronoun, it sounds like the first or last ever (in all of eternity, amen) that object/person/whatever had experienced this thing. The baby's first step, his first drink, her first book. You aren't wrong here in the way you are using the words, but the understood time implied by them is rather large and kind of misleading. I'd just change it to "...Leland heard the first car."
See what I meant when I said wordy?
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| Leland let fly a string of curses, kicking the empty air. |
This seems really out of character with the laid-back Leland of the first chapter. Seriously, before, he got kicked out and cussed out by some weirdo driver, and he just sort of grinned and started walking with his thumb out. Here, he has been walking for a while and he throws a fit when he misses a car. Granted, I'm sure his temper could be strung pretty high right now, but we need to see the progression of this foul temper. We need to see what has driven him from being pretty laid back and cheerful (more or less) to pitching a tantrum.
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| Leland smiled grimly, lips together. |
See? Already here he is back to being his old sarcastic self. Maybe he's not happy, but he's laughing at himself at least.
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| shout over the top of her. |
A few too many words, me thinks. Perhaps you could pare it down to : "...shout over her."
Same idea, fewer words.
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| If I’d hit you it would have been your own fault. |
Place a comma between "you" and "it".
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| There seemed to be an exchange of words |
Perhaps mention here that he is still far enough away to not be able to hear what they are saying, or that they are speaking softly enough for him not to hear. At first, I was confused as to why he can't here them when he is right there. I mean, he'd made it to the car at that point, yes? Apparently not. It'd be a good idea to make that absolutely clear at that point.
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| “Yes and no. It more like went off the road,” |
Hewhaha? (*sigh* That sounds much better when said than it looks when typed.) When did this happen? I'm assuming before the first chapter. You might want to bring that up a bit more beforehand and explain circumstances. My beliefs have all been shaken. Honestly, in the beginning, I thought that Leland was in a cab or something and the driver dropped him off. I wasn't quite sure why he was in the cab in the first place and why Leland was so distasteful to the driver. But ultimately, I also thought (for some strange reason, not sure why) that he was in the city. Now I find out that he's in rural Washington and that he ran his car off the road. Hewhaha? (No, still doesn't look any better typed up.)
So yeah, here's where I say back up and redo some setting and whatnot. Remember how in my first review I said this felt rife with description when really it was lacking? I was making up descriptions as I went, forming my own image of the situation. While this can be a good thing, letting the reader get involved as they read, it can lead to a difference in opinion. If you lead it vague enough that the reader thinks that the entire story takes place in a neighborhood home, and then you include something about the apartment complex manager wanting to kick the main character out for not paying their rent, the reader is going to be all "huh?" Avoid the confusion. Describe a bit more.
Maybe, in the first chapter, you can include something about Leland straining to see the landscape through the darkness and really seeing nothing of interest beyond lines of trees and farm implements. Or something to that effect. Really, the only indication that they are not in an urban setting (which I only just now caught) was the mention of pine trees being illuminated by the headlights when the driver pulls over. And maybe the gravel shoulder... Hmmm... Maybe I should have caught on earlier, but still, you have to admit, there is very little to go by here.
Maybe describe the car a bit more. Make it clear that it's a little ol' beat up truck, or a shiny new SUV, or something. Get that cab out of my head.
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| he’d lost control of the mustang |
"Mustang" should be capitalized, since it is a proper noun, being a brand name of a car.
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| I’m freezing by butt off |
Methinks you mean "my" there...
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| two hours walking in the rain.. |
I thought he had only been walking one hour...
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| Leland had been walking for over an hour |
That's from the second paragraph. Is he just sort of exaggerating in his thoughts out of impatience? While technically two hours is over an hour, they still are very different time concepts.
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| You’re a dead man, Striker.” |
Hmm, I'm intrigued ever more. What is going on here? What's with these open-ended chapters? You leave me in suspense!
Anyhoo, I liked this. I am wondering what is going on and the new information I am getting is just whetting my appetite. Keep it up! And would you PM me once again when the update comes?
*thumbs up* Rockin' some major socks!
~GryphonFledgling |
_________________
Ink is the strongest drug, the deepest ocean, the longest journey and the strangest love. ~me
Jareth/Sarah shipper...
Kickin' butt and not stopping to take wordcount. NaNo 2008! Read my novel here! |
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Cobweb
Junior Writer
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 11:44 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, thank you. That was all very helpful. See, it never occurred to me that the beginning was confusing–I only ever thought of open highway. What could make this more clear?
Excellent point about Leland's unusual reaction. Very, very good. I was just talking with someone about inconsistent character and how unreal that is. Good catch!
I will defiantly let you know when I post more. |
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