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by carolinewashere in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Poetry

This thread was created on September 7, 2008
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what we left behind on those barbed wire fences

Topic ID: 35736
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Kylan   View This User's Portfolio
how superior.
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 1:07 am    Post subject: what we left behind on those barbed wire fences Reply with quote

1.



lying in this sand we are 

smudged out cigarettes in ash trays 

sunbathing in the heat of Allah's frown

and swatting flies like big gorillas hanging from the Empire State building

with biplanes doing acrobatics around their heads.



barbed wire is twisted into our own personal

crown of thorns and we wear our sin like princes

with dove white hands and wiry limbs

having their heads gently cradled in the lap of

Mother Guillotine.



2.



where was Superman when 

my friends were doing springboard dives from the 86th floor

into jacuzzis of asphalt, where taxi cabs and 

pedestrians straining their necks to look 

as Allah smoked a couple cigars simmered in the heat of



giants doing that flame swallowing act.

don't you think it's strange that the biggest forest fires

take place in deserts, combed by the zen garden rakes 

of masked men standing in front of video cameras with

weeping Americans tied to chairs between them?



3.



down this rabbit hole you will find

little white bunnies that lead you down the stovepipe hats

of capitalists instead of Cheshire cats with smiles as big those of

politicians bikini mud wrestling with words.



we let go so easily.

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1dering at stars   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 1:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. I am absolutely amazed at how powerful your writing is.

The only things I can think of to correct are punctuation. The beginnings of your sentences should be capitalized (I'm not sure if you did this as part of the style though...?) and there are a few places where there should be commas to make it flow better...

ex.
Quote:
lying in this sand comma we are
smudged out cigarettes in ash trays comma
sunbathing in the heat of Allah's frown
and swatting flies like big gorillas hanging from the Empire State building comma
with biplanes doing acrobatics around their heads.


I think the places are pretty obvious... again, I'm not sure if you did this on purpose, but I think it reads better with them there.

I love the way you incorporate everyday images, history, religion, and even bits of fiction, without directly saying it, but in a way that makes the piece very real and powerful, as well as creates beautiful images and strong feelings.

Great job on this, I can't wait to read more of your work.

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BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 4:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Kylan! (my name changed! Surprised) I find your writing irresistible so I just had to give this one a look.

I

Quote:
lying in this sand we are
smudged out cigarettes in ash trays
sunbathing in the heat of Allah's frown
and swatting flies like big gorillas hanging from the Empire State building
with biplanes doing acrobatics around their heads.

barbed wire is twisted into our own personal
crown of thorns and we wear our sin like princes
with dove white hands and wiry limbs
having their heads gently cradled in the lap of
Mother Guillotine.


Sometimes you have the weirdest similes possible.

I find the two stanzas totally unrelated. I loved the first stanza. The bolded part made me laugh. I love the feeling that we get. Now lying on the beach will represent King Kong for me. Wink

The second stanza is quite a bit different. I love how all of the bolded words correspond to Jesus. I have nothing to critique? but the stanzas are completely unrelated?

II
Quote:

where was Superman when
my friends were doing springboard dives from the 86th floor
into jacuzzis of asphalt
, where taxi cabs and
pedestrians straining their necks to look
as Allah smoked a couple cigars simmered in the heat of

giants doing that flame swallowing act.
don't you think it's strange that the biggest forest fires
take place in deserts, combed by the zen garden rakes
of masked men standing in front of video cameras with
weeping Americans tied to chairs between them?


*shivers* First off, I loved the first stanza, about suicide. It was so well worded. I loved the 'Superman'. Oh, my lord, I can't rave enough to tell you what you did right. The bolded part was worded perfectly. Oh wow. Amazing, Kylan.

In the second stanza, I don't understand why you said "forest fires'. Because it really has nothing to do with any kind of fire at all. Unless, of course, that's why you inserted the first line of the second stanza. Because it has the word 'flame' in it, which would make sense because it's talking about a forest fire... *blabs on*

III
Quote:

down this rabbit hole you will find
little white bunnies that lead you down the stovepipe hats
of capitalists instead of Cheshire cats with smiles as big those of
politicians bikini mud wrestling with words.

we let go so easily.


Erm... odd. Very odd? I... don't know what to make of this one.

OVERALL:

Very, very nicely done. I loved every second of it! I really have no critiques! Fantastic job.

-Jared

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xyberangel   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 3:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow it took me twice reading it to capture the meaning, the first cause i was a bit confused. Through it flowed really well, and yet seems to effortless carry all those political, social, religous themes.
Quote:
lying in this sand we are

smudged out cigarettes in ash trays

sunbathing in the heat of Allah's frown

and swatting flies like big gorillas hanging from the Empire State building

with biplanes doing acrobatics around their heads.


think it might read smoother there

Nice Job

-Flora
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This thread was created on September 7, 2008

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