Topic ID: 35731
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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 Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 11:29 pm Post subject: Last Night |
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Last night I lost my brothers.
I hid beneath a heather bush,
amongst the purple flowers,
and waited until their footfalls died.
When the moon came out,
I ran away for good.
Stealing through the picket fence and rushes
I undid the buckles and dropped my armour.
I buried my gun, my sins, my photographs.
And sliding down the sand dunes,
I waded into the murky bed of the sea.
I let the salt water rise around me.
Last night I watched the birds
but told them to stay away.
I needed to escape,
I needed to meet my end.
Last night I told the stars to go away
and can you believe it?
They listened.
Last night I hoped to meet my end
But last night you followed me.
And saved me from the whirlwind of peril,
With the spell of your strong fingers.
And alas, the burning grip of a loyal friend
saved me from the ranks of angry brothers,
From the guns of Easter and the songs of Winter,
from a certain tragic end. |
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Searria H.
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 12:47 am Post subject: |
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I had to read this a couple of times before I understood it. I think I get it now.
Perhaps this should be in Narrative poetry. I'm not really sure.
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| I let the salt water rise around me. |
This sentence is sort of off by itself. Maybe you should put it with the stanza above it.
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Last night I watched the birds
but told them to stay away. |
This seemed a little out of place. There was no transition between this and the previous stanza.
A very interesting poem. sort of sad.
Every time I read it, I interperet in a different way.
I really enjoyed it.
-Sea- |
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Cobweb
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 7:23 am Post subject: |
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I like this poem. It speaks to you with real emotion. It paints a picture.
...I hid beneath a heather bush, amongst the purple flowers...
...I buried my gun, my sins, my photographs. And sliding down the sand dunes, I waded into the murky bed of the sea.
From the guns of Easter and the songs of Winter, from a certain tragic end.
Good lines. Good word arrangement.
This poem could have been excellent but the rhythm is distracting. Free verse has a charm all it’s own but you have to have rhythm.
Last night I hoped to meet my end
But last night you followed me.
And saved me from the whirlwind of peril,
With the spell of your strong fingers.
The first two lines are okay. They flow together. The last two don’t. You have to force them. Even if only the last line were changed/revised, the verse would work. You hang up on that last line. ‘Whirlwind’ is questionable. It’s a little sticky.
And alas, the burning grip of a loyal friend
saved me from the ranks of angry brothers,
From the guns of Easter and the songs of Winter,
from a certain tragic end.
Second line in this one is off. ‘Angry brothers’. Two two syllable words together, at the end...hmmm, a little rough.
The last two lines on this are good.
Watch the rhythm. Try and make it come back around somewhere. Make sure each verse works in itself.
Lovely poem. Thank’s for sharing. |
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xyberangel
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 11:53 am Post subject: |
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Quite an intersting narrative style poem
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Last night I told the stars to go away
and can you believe it?
They listened. |
These lines kind of broke the flow of the poem, It stood out as it was the only active lines, which interacted with the reader, as the rest of the poem was passive and was only telling the story. Not sure if it stood out in a good way or not, as it made it stronger, but maybe another part of the poem is a better focal point or it can be changed to 'and would you believe it? They listened.
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| I let the salt water rise around me. |
With this line, that stood in a single line, maybe either conecting with the other stanza on top would be better like
and I let the salt water rise around me
overall I liked it through some parts need refining
-Flora |
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200397
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Country: land of the free, home of the brave . . .
788 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 2:00 am Post subject: Re: Last Night |
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And alas, the burning grip of a loyal friend
saved me from the ranks of angry brothers,
From the guns of Easter and the songs of Winter,
from a certain tragic end. |
This is my favorite part. I think "a certain tragic end" is probably one of the best ending lines to a dramatic poem like this. I liked the story that wasn't really a story behind this. You left the reader free to imagine any plot behind this, and I like that in poetry. I also liked the suicide thing (which I usually stay away from) but this wasn't scary or revolting as most of the other suicidal poems out there--all about tears and darkness and hating themselves--this I liked much, much more. I also loved the blank verse. It's my favorite type of poetry--little rhyme but there's meter and a more casual, real feeling to it. All in all, I think you should do more of this stuff. Good work. |
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Lord Anzius
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| Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 5:02 am Post subject: |
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So in the very end was it a poem about friendship?
Very dramatic, well done lad. 
hope to read more of your works 'cos this is the first time I do.
Is this something you thought about or is this something that just popped into your mind?
Nice work anywayz........................................................................................................................
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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE  |
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