Topic ID: 35728
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SunshineOrange
Writer
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Posts: 89
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Country: Land Of The Yorkshire Pudding :D!
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 8:55 pm Post subject: Moments |
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There was a moment, yesterday.
Your breath caught, my stomach
Twirled like a leaf in the breeze.
We struggled to find the words;
Fought to make it known.
A muttered goodbye and the need
For time and space. Underneath,
Our only need is each other. Time.
It heals all wounds; mine only seem
Deeper.
Unanswered and unasked;
The questions that we daren't know.
Let alone voice. The mighty silences
That make my ears ring. That make
My heart pine.
Before, a comfort that was as present,
As you or I. The unspoken truth,
Gentle as that first touch.
The first moment, when -
Your breath caught.
My stomach twirled.
The last moment. |
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Chirantha
The boy genius.
Speaker of the Forum
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Age: 14
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 753
Reviews: 143
Country: Somewhere above or below ground
1671 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 3:55 pm Post subject: |
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I really didn't understand what this poem was about but it was well written. Well done.
There was a moment, yesterday.(It would be better if you cut the comma)
Your breath caught, my stomach
Twirled like a leaf in the breeze.
We struggled to find the words;
Fought to make it known.
A muttered goodbye and the need(A comma here)
For time and space. Underneath,
Our only need is each other. Time.(Put a comma for the first period)
It heals all wounds; mine only seem(A comma here)
Deeper.
Unanswered and unasked; (This was really good)
The questions that we daren't know. (I don't know but it would seem better if you put 'ask')
Let alone voice. The mighty silences(A comma here)
That make my ears ring. That make(Both should be 'That makes')
My heart pine.
Before, a comfort that was as present,(Shouldn't this should be 'pleasent'?)
As you or I. The unspoken truth,
Gentle as that first touch.
The first moment, when -
Your breath caught.
My stomach twirled.
The last moment.
Well, you had used deep words and and meaningful phrases. It did your poem good. Great work.
Well done.  |
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CK Lynn
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Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Posts: 353
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Country: United States
399 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 10:39 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this for the most part; the imagery and expression were very unique. There was a lot of emotion that I could definately sense, but it didn't seem over the top.
One thing that bugged me, though was that some of the line breaks and word choices seemed off. Like:
A muttered goodbye and the need
For time and space. Underneath,
Our only need is each other. Time.
It heals all wounds; mine only seem
Deeper.
I think it would sound better as:
A muttered goodbye
And the need for time and space.
Underneath, our only need is (for) each other.
Time
It heals all wounds,
(But) mine (are) only deeper |
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DreamyMoon
Junior Writer
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Joined: 13 Sep 2008
Posts: 23
Reviews: 8
Country: England
238 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 7:50 pm Post subject: |
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I think this poem really catches that feeling that is hard to describe when you fall for someone that hard.
''Twirled like a leaf in the breeze.''
I really like the way you have compared the feeling to that, to something so natural and floaty
Me likes this poem much =]
x |
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crimson_mcr
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Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 10
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Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:39 am Post subject: |
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that was good but some parts i REALLY didn't understand too much like
((There was a moment, yesterday.
Your breath caught, my stomach
Twirled like a leaf in the breeze.
We struggled to find the words;
(Fought to make it known.))
i don't know, and almost don't understand this much, it could be me, or my why of writing but idk about this.
((The mighty silences
That make my ears ring. That make
My heart pine.) )
yea maybe a little more. but i dont know sorry, but i'm just odd *laugh*
and this >>>>
(The last moment.) were does that come from? it doesn't seem too fit the rest of the poem too me. why is it the LAST moment? maybe the first? |
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mydogbill
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Posts: 8
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300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:59 pm Post subject: |
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| liked this poem, little confusing to begin with but got the message across |
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natalie
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 34
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 7:52 pm Post subject: |
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I really enjoyed this poem.
I admit I didn't feel as much of the emotion as I had hoped, though I still understood the feeling the poem gave out.
I loved the language you used, it really gave across a good written feel, and the punctuation was well used as well.
In general, I thought this was a well written poem which I would happily find out more about, such as some description inside it.
Good Luck!! |
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