Topic ID: 35705
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Fellow
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Sep 2008
Posts: 187
Reviews: 58
Country: Romania
180 Points
|
 Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 9:42 am Post subject: Avargorn: S.S - Prologue |
 |
|
Prologue
It was a cold night in the middle of the winter and it started to snow slowly with big snow flakes that covered the village in a blanket of coldness and silence. The darkness fell heavily over the streets that became even more and more lonely. On an alley between two shabby houses a child wondered aimless . At the faint light of the torches you could see his pale, sad face and the thin figure huddled up in a filthy coat that was way to big for him.
Dragging through the snow with heavy boots, he moved forward, caught in a warm dream.. He didn’t notice the dark, tall figure that appeared from nowhere in his face and he ran into it. He mumbled a “sorry” with a mellow voice in which he could sense an early suffering. The shadow didn’t speak, keeping intact the silence where the child could hear his own heart beats, like thunders in his ears. He dared to raise his sight, feeling the stranger holding his gaze upon him. He saw underneath the cloak a pair of blue eyes in which shined a light of insanity.
The man made a step approaching him and uncovered his head. The ravishing smell of the soft soap overflow his nostrils leaving him in a fluffy pink cloud. The man looked young, finely-shaped with his face carved in stone. The thin line of his lips betrayed his cruelty and his blond hair stood rebel.
“ What do you want, bug?” the voice shattered the silence with the power of a hunting horn.
But the man did not wait for an answer seeing, how the boy starts to shiver of fear and cold.
“ Get up, little one! ... he softened his voice and pulled him up on his feet…How old are you?”
The boy raised his hand spreading his five fingers tearing a sketch of a smile from the heartless man.
“ Where are your parents?”
The child looked at the snow under his feet and started scrawling with his feet a word “ALONE”.
“So you don’t speak but you write... You know your name, bug?”
Another word scrawled on the white snow “Ilith”.
“Ilith… Hmm… Strong name. My name is Fellow and no I`m not a noble kind” said Fellow finding that the boy was watching him with fear in his eyes.
Ilith calmed down. His heart started to slowly come back at its normal beat and after a minute Ilith smiled back. He made a step forward sticking his little hand on the face of Fellow. He ignored the slight shiver of the man and stood there following the shape of his face. Fellow took his cloak and put it over the boy letting the dark and silver clothing to shine in the light of the torch. He was the high-thief of the Silver Wolfs.
“Come Ilith! Tonight you eat and sleep in a house or you prefer to stay here and die of cold?”
Ilith followed him smiling all the time. Almost running beside the thief trying to keep up with the big step of Fellow. He was happy… Fellow was his first friend.
They melted in the darkness of an muddy alley. Again the cold, the darkness, the snow.
I really need help here... Its very small and i think something is missing. review pls. |
_________________
Life is a song. You just need to know how to sing it.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic35881.html - Need reviews? Click!
Last edited by Fellow on Thu Oct 02, 2008 6:42 pm; edited 4 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Lord Anzius
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Aug 2008
Posts: 623
Reviews: 80
Country: Finland I think?
482 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 10:38 am Post subject: |
|
|
He can't speak.....?
Where are his siblings? Are they his real siblings? Does he know of them?
| Quote: |
| The darkness fell heavily over the streets that become more and more lonely |
.
I would have to rephrase that: The darkness fell heavily over the streets [,] that become [became] [even] more and more lonely.
| Quote: |
The man made a step approaching him and uncovered him head |
HIS head. 
| Quote: |
| Strong name. My name is Fellow |
do you mean strange name? or do you really want to write , strong name?
So your profile name is fellow, hmm. You like this fellow guy from the book don't you? |
_________________
Boredom is a death sentence.
That is why I try to be crazy.
Crazy people aren't bored.
I wish I were more crazy. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Fellow
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Sep 2008
Posts: 187
Reviews: 58
Country: Romania
180 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 10:46 am Post subject: Reply |
|
|
| Yes he can't speak. And yea ... i`m rather like Fellow in the book (exept the part of stealing things). |
_________________
Life is a song. You just need to know how to sing it.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic35881.html - Need reviews? Click! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kaylyn
Southern Girl
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 15 Aug 2008
Posts: 762
Reviews: 166
Country: Forests of Raiyne
420 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 12:34 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Hey, I think its looking good. I didn't find any grammar mistakes that jumped out at me, some of your sentances might need to be rephased but thats to make it smoother to the reader. Your story has a lot of potential, as I have said before and I can't wait to read what you have posted next. You put in very good descriptions on the surrondings though, great job. Well, that about it good luck with your writing. |
_________________
The biggest lie told in high school:
That was my last piece. 
Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
http://www.kaylynstout.googlepages.com/books |
|
| Back to top |
|
Fellow
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Sep 2008
Posts: 187
Reviews: 58
Country: Romania
180 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 2:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| And Lord Anzius. Wait for the story to unwrap itself will ya? Ashea and Nayn will show up at some point! *giggle* |
_________________
Life is a song. You just need to know how to sing it.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic35881.html - Need reviews? Click! |
|
| Back to top |
|
BreakingSun
Novice
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Posts: 7
Reviews: 5
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 3:35 pm Post subject: review |
|
|
| YeY! At last! you started with the ... start! I thought at a million ways in which the story could continue *drool* C`mon girl!!! write more for the love of God! I don't wanna die of old age without reading your whole book . Maybe i`ll return from the dead as Ilith done in Death of a hero 3 *evil laugh*. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Lord Anzius
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Aug 2008
Posts: 623
Reviews: 80
Country: Finland I think?
482 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 7:50 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Calm down up there.
We all want to read the book okay.
Keep cool my babies
*Conan O'brien* |
_________________
Boredom is a death sentence.
That is why I try to be crazy.
Crazy people aren't bored.
I wish I were more crazy. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sureal
(i are RITER!!!)
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 3222
Reviews: 457
Country: England
548 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 8:17 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey Fellow. =)
I seem to remember you saying that English isn’t your first language or something? Anyway, you have some awkwardly phrased sentences and switch tenses a few times as well.
Here we go:
| Quote: |
| At the fainted light of the torches you could see his pale, sad face and the thin figure huddled up in a filthy coat that was way to big for him. |
I’m not sure what you mean here. Perhaps ‘faint light of the torches’?
| Quote: |
| Dragging trough snow the heavy boots he moved forward caught in a warm dream. |
I think you mean something more along the lines of, ‘Dragging through the snow with heavy boots, he moved forward, caught in a warm dream.’
| Quote: |
| He didn’t notice the dark, tall figure that appeared from nowhere in his face and he ram into it. |
I think ‘ram’ should be ‘ran’.
| Quote: |
| The shadow didn’t speak keeping intact the silence where the child could hear his own heart beats like thunders in his ears. |
I’m thinking you could do with a few commas here. Something like:
‘The shadow didn’t speak, keeping intact the silence in which the child could hear his own heart beats, like thunders in his ears.’
| Quote: |
| He dared to raise his sight feeling the stranger holding his gaze upon him. |
You could do with a comma after ‘sight’. Like so:
‘He dared to raise his sight, feeling the stranger holding his gaze upon him.’
| Quote: |
| But the man did not waited for an answer seeing how the boy starts to shiver of fear and cold. |
Something like:
‘But the man did not wait for an answer, seeing how the boy started to shiver of fear and cold.’
| Quote: |
| “ Get up, little one! ... he soften his voice and pulled him up on his feet…How old are you?” |
Your dialogue punctuation is incorrect here. You have a tense problem (‘soften’ should be ‘softened’).
“Get up, little one!” He softened his voice and pulled him up on his feet. “How old are you?”
| Quote: |
| The child watched at the snow under his feet and started scrawling with his feet a word “ALONE”. |
I think you want ‘looked’, not ‘watched’ here.
All in all an interesting beginning. Just tidy up the parts I quoted to make it easier for people to read. =) |
_________________
The Broken.
Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three // Chapter Four // Chapter Five
Since 7th Sep: 9,400 words down, only 90,600 to go! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Searria H.
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 139
Reviews: 97
608 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 2:56 am Post subject: |
|
|
Yaay! I finally got time to read this. I was dying all week waiting.
Hoorayy! You put your dialogue in quotations this time! Good for you.
Sureal has already mentioned all of your grammatical mistakes.
| Quote: |
| It was a cold night in the middle of the winter and it started to snow slowly with big snow flakes that covered the village in a blanket of coldness and silence. |
This was a good start, but the sentence was a little complicated, if that makes sense. Try to get rid on the "ands". I would probably say, "It was a cold night in the middle of Winter, and it had start to snow slowly with big flakes, covering the village in a blanket of cold silence." It makes the sentence a little smoother to read.
| Quote: |
| On an alley between two shabby houses a child wondered aimless . |
Because "aimless" is describing what the child is doing, it would be an adverb, so it would be "aimlessly." You also don't put a space between the last word and the punctuation.
| Quote: |
| he moved forward, caught in a warm dream.. |
You only need one period.
| Quote: |
| But the man did not wait for an answer seeing, how the boy starts to shiver of fear and cold. |
You used two different tenses in this sentence. It should be "But the man did not wait for an answer when he saw how the boy started to shiver of fear and cold."
| Quote: |
| They melted in the darkness of an muddy alley. |
really cool sentence, but "in" should be "into".
I think that I have mentioned this before, but sometimes I get confused with who's doing what. You use the pronouns like "he" and "she" a lot, and when there are two boys, we don't know who's who.
I really enjoyed this. It reminded me of a painting I once saw. It was called "cold" There was a little boy wrapped in a cloak. The look on his face broke my heart.
It was nice to read the beginning. 
So, did you name your character after your username, or did you name yourself after the character? That's what I did. I have a dragon named Searria, and I just really liked the name, so I made it my username.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading more!!
-Sea- |
_________________
As Jaquie's Teacher's deaf realatives said, "I can't hear you when it's dark." |
|
| Back to top |
|
Fellow
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Sep 2008
Posts: 187
Reviews: 58
Country: Romania
180 Points
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Reuben A
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Aug 2008
Posts: 194
Reviews: 32
Country: South Africa
123 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 9:04 am Post subject: |
|
|
It's an interesting beginning.
'Ilith followed him smiling all the time. Almost running beside the thief trying to keep up with the big step of Fellow. He was happy… Fellow was his first friend' I like the way you describe Ilith's content. i don't think there's anything missing. |
_________________
Don't juge a book by it's cover. 
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic37432.html |
|
| Back to top |
|
Bickazer
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Aug 2008
Posts: 202
Reviews: 53
Country: USA
257 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 8:00 pm Post subject: Re: Prologue (my book) |
|
|
| Quote: |
| It was a cold night in the middle of the winter and it started to snow slowly with big snow flakes that covered the village in a blanket of coldness and silence. |
Wow...the "It was a dark and stormy night" opening. As a general guideline, you don't want to start by saying "It was...so and so". It's weak and meangingless as well. This would be better put as "The midwinter night was cold". But, um...that's a bit redundant...
Also this sentence is a run-on. It'd be best to split the "It started to snow..." part into another sentence. I do like the imagery you'd got going on there, though the "coldness" is a tad unnecessary. You just have to say "cold".
| Quote: |
| On an alley between two shabby houses a child wondered aimless . |
That'd be "through" an alley. Actually, this would be better as "A child wandered aimlessly through an alley between two shabby houses".
| Quote: |
| At the faint light of the torches you could see his pale, sad face and the thin figure huddled up in a filthy coat that was way to big for him. |
Erm, you seem to be fond of starting sentences with prepositions. While that's an acceptable sentence structure, it is rather weak and repeating the same sentence structure over and over again does get tedious to read. In fact, this sentence just seems overly wordy in general; try for something more like "His face, illuminated by the torches' faint light, was pale and sad, and his thin figure huddled up in a filthy coat far too big for him". Or I dunno, that could be more wordy. Basically, try to cut down on meaningless prepositional phrases; that will make your writing flow better and strengthen your prose. It IS difficult and I have problems with it too, so don't despair.
| Quote: |
| He didn’t notice the dark, tall figure that appeared from nowhere in his face and he ran into it. He mumbled a “sorry” with a mellow voice in which he could sense an early suffering |
Again, try to vary sentence structure. You started both these sentences with "he". The "in which he" also grates on me the wrong way; it feels like a meaningless prepositional phrase again.
| Quote: |
| The shadow didn’t speak, keeping intact the silence where the child could hear his own heart beats, like thunders in his ears. |
That'd be "thunder", the singular, but otherwise, I really like the imagery here. I can already see you have a gift for imagery--not only can I really see what's going on, but somehow your imagery also lends the action a haunting, mystical feel. I like it.
| Quote: |
| He dared to raise his sight, feeling the stranger holding his gaze upon him. He saw underneath the cloak a pair of blue eyes in which shined a light of insanity. |
Again, you started two sentences with "he"...and you could describe the "light of insanity" a little better and in more detail. (and the correct form is "shone", not "shine"...sorry if I'm seeming too nitpicky).
| Quote: |
| The ravishing smell of the soft soap overflow his nostrils leaving him in a fluffy pink cloud. |
Leaving who? The man or the boy? You need to clarify your pronouns here, but otherwise, I like the description. Soap as "ravishing"...? Intriguing?
| Quote: |
| and his blond hair stood rebel. |
I like your description of the man, but I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. O_o
| Quote: |
| “ What do you want, bug?” the voice shattered the silence with the power of a hunting horn. |
Whoa, "bug"? ...interesting. But I do like your usage of figurative language here. It's beautiful without being flowery or *shudders* heaven forbid, purple. Nice job.
| Quote: |
| But the man did not wait for an answer seeing, how the boy starts to shiver of fear and cold. |
First of all, you changed tenses here...second of all, I think it'd be better put as "...for an answer when he saw how the boy started to shiver from..." and so on.
| Quote: |
| “ Get up, little one! ... he softened his voice and pulled him up on his feet…How old are you?” |
Put quotes after the exclamation point and in front of the "How", as I don't think the action (the man pulling up the child) is part of the quote.
| Quote: |
| The boy raised his hand spreading his five fingers tearing a sketch of a smile from the heartless man. |
Awww, how cute! But...er...why exactly is the man "heartless"? I don't think it's a good idea to use such strong moral judgments to describe a man we've barely met, if that makes sense. Let us find out for ourselves how "heartless" he is (or not; he seems like a pretty nice guy so far).
Again, I like your imagery, though--the "sketch of a smile" part in particular. Very vivid and elegant.
| Quote: |
| Another word scrawled on the white snow “Ilith”. |
I like this sentence--it has a brevity and to-the-point-ness that a lot of your other sentences seem to lack. It's short and simple, but still descriptive. Try to compare this one to, say, your first sentence--you'll see which one is much more powerful and vivid. (and yeah, I'm being a hypocrite, since I too struggle with verbosity).
| Quote: |
| “Ilith… Hmm… Strong name. My name is Fellow and no, I`m not a noble kind,” said Fellow finding that the boy was watching him with fear in his eyes. |
Added a few extra commas that needed to be there...otherwise, nothing much to say.
| Quote: |
| Ilith calmed down. |
You don't need this sentence, because the next sentence very clearly shows how Ilith's calmed down. Strike this out and replace the "His" in the next sentence with "Ilith's".
| Quote: |
| He made a step forward sticking his little hand on the face of Fellow. |
I think it would be "took" a step forward, and perhaps would flow better as "and stuck" instead of "sticking". And here's the verbosity issues again--rather than "the face of Fellow" (like the Face of Boe...*snort* Sorry, stupid Doctor Who reference...), say "Fellow's face". It means the same thing but is much less wordy.
| Quote: |
| He ignored the slight shiver of the man and stood there following the shape of his face. |
Again, verbosity issues--"the slight shiver of the man" could easily be "the man's slight shiver". Also, I'm not entirely sure what "following the shape of his face" is supposed to mean; feel you could clarify?
| Quote: |
| Fellow took his cloak and put it over the boy letting the dark and silver clothing to shine in the light of the torch. He was the high-thief of the Silver Wolfs. |
Wow, that detail seems...a little random. You were doing a very good job of showing instead of telling up to here (your imagery, in particular), but now...that detail seems completely out-of-the-blue, and--hate to say this--irrelevant. I don't know who the Silver Wolfs are, or their significance. Would it be better to save that information for later?
| Quote: |
| “Come Ilith! Tonight you eat and sleep in a house or you prefer to stay here and die of cold?” |
No real problems with this 'cept I think you need a "do" in front of the second "you".
| Quote: |
| Ilith followed him smiling all the time. Almost running beside the thief trying to keep up with the big step of Fellow. |
There should be a comma 'tween "him" and "smiling". Also, the second sentence is a fragment, so try for..."he almost ran", maybe? I also have a little problem with "big step"--although it's perfectly sound, it's flat and generic. Try for more descriptive words like "long strides"; it gives the reader a better picture of what's going on. Mind you, you've done quite well on that so far.
| Quote: |
| He was happy… Fellow was his first friend. |
Awww, how sweet. I feel warm and fuzzy inside, and that's a good thing--you should get an emotional reaction from the reader. I love this.
| Quote: |
| They melted in the darkness of an muddy alley. Again the cold, the darkness, the snow. |
Beautiful imagery again--"melting" into the "darkness". I also like how the sentence is short but effective all the same. However, the second sentence...seems a bit pointless. I have no idea what it's supposed to mean, no offense, and doesn't seem to have much to do with the first sentence...
Overall impressions--I liked this. Your description, in particular, wowed me--possibly because I suck at description. You use figurative language and imagery in a wonderful way; like I said before, your usage of prose lends the narrative a haunting, mystical, beautiful feel, and I like that. It's certainly different from the grand highfalutin purple style of most fantasy fiction. At times it almost felt poetic, in a good way. Good job.
This is only a prologue so I don't know much about the plot so far, but it's shaping up to be interesting. Ilith and Fellow both seem like intriguing characters with deep personalities and backstories (I love Ilith's little thought near the end, about Fellow being his first friend...) and I can't wait to see what direction this story will take. You've done a good job at drawing the reader in, and that's crucial when writing a prologue. Nicely done!
That being said, you do have a few problems...your main ones seem to be sentence structure and verbosity. A lot of your sentences, particularly near the beginning, feel the same--they're long (almost rambling at times) and start with prepositions. Try to vary your sentence structure more; I can already see you doing that near the end.
Also, you have a tendency to use prepositional phrases a...lot. Like the "face of Fellow" or "that which is"...in a lot of cases, they're unncessary and just make your sentences feel clunky and overly long. Try eliminating them and you'll see how much better your writing flows.
Good work, though. I'd love to read more. |
_________________
Team Edward
Because creepy, obsessive, sparkly stalkers are SO hot.
Help the world, one word and twenty grains of rice at a time: www.freerice.com |
|
| Back to top |
|
Fellow
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Sep 2008
Posts: 187
Reviews: 58
Country: Romania
180 Points
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
