Topic ID: 35689
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 26 Jan 2008 Posts: 646 Reviews: 314 Country: In a Dickens novel 500 Points
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Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 12:13 am Post subject: Don't Worry |
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When continents crack beneath your feet,
and the rivers between them rise coldly,
soaking and clawing it’s way up to your heart,
threatening to drown you, freeze your very blood.
No, don’t worry.
When the ball room stops at stares as you enter,
a caldron of laughter following you as you leave.
Or when worries at night come to haunt you,
chasing you like masked horseman into day.
No, don’t worry.
Try to walk on, hope and hold your head high.
Strain your eyes through the troubled mist,
wipe the childish tears and runny nose,
swallow the lump in your throat, quell the inner storm.
No, don’t worry.
You listen well, you always have.
But you slip into your human spirit, and look,
you’re sinking now, all faith has deserted you.
A voice rings out to distant horizons of your soul,
‘No! Don’t worry!’
But stop- don’t let your anger win this time.
I tell you dear one, I’ll never leave you in empty places.
That if you see above your human faith in bad,
and know my higher faith, my stronger will in good
That when you did not look down,
that when you did not worry, child--
You were walking on water. |
_________________ We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
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Anna Graham
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 02 Aug 2008 Posts: 89 Reviews: 35 Country: "The undiscover'd country, from whose bourn no traveller returns" 349 Points
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Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 2:01 am Post subject: |
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Wow. Honestly, this poem took my breath away. Give me a sec to catch it and I'll see if I can tell you why.
The imagery: gorgeous. I felt everything you were saying.
"the rivers between them rise coldly,
soaking and clawing it’s way up to your heart,
threatening to drown you, freeze your very blood."
The inspiration: I felt like i could relate to this poem. The failing human, the need for hope, faith, and love.
"You listen well, you always have.
But you slip into your human spirit, and look,
you’re sinking now, all faith has deserted you.
A voice rings out to distant horizons of your soul,
‘No! Don’t worry!"
The allusion: I had this sudden picture of Simon Peter walking on water towards Christ, then sinking as his faith failed him. It adds so much power!
"That when you did not look down,
that when you did not worry, child--
You were walking on water."
Now, a few nit-picks:
"...soaking and clawing its way up to your heart."
"When the ball room stops and stares as you enter," (?)
The second stanza seemed to have a few too many you's. That's just a pet peeve of mine, though.
"chasing you like a masked horseman into day."
But seriously! This was amazing! A gold star for you! |
_________________ "I like this place and willingly could waste my time in it" --As You Like It, Act 2 Scene 4 |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 13 Dec 2006 Posts: 1945 Reviews: 752 Country: Where the wild things are. 521 Points
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Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 3:17 am Post subject: |
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I swear, Eimear, every time I see a poem by you I go, "I should critique that" and then never do. Well. I'm actually going to this time.
I'm not a huge fan of the repetition. I think it makes the poem too sing-songy, almost too generic and formulated.
The inspirational quality of it also puts me off a little. That's not to say that inspirational poems or poems with religious undertones are always bad, but I think you could do better. Subtlety is key. I would almost recommend NOT writing this in the second person, but that kind of...takes away the whole poem. But certainly taking out elements of the poem would help. Some parts are uber-cliche or they just use hackneyed phrases that stick out like a sore thumb (oh, yes, I am funny) with images that are original and beautiful.
| Quote: |
Try to walk on, hope and hold your head high.
Strain your eyes through the troubled mist,
wipe the childish tears and runny nose,
swallow the lump in your throat, quell the inner storm.
No, don’t worry. |
Here's an example. Phrases like "hold your head high", "tears and runny nose," "lump in your throat", "inner storm"...they're all borrowed. They don't mean anything because they're a list of cliches meaning the exact same thing. They carry no interesting meaning for a reader. Come up with a more visual way to say this.
-Colleen |
_________________ "My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..." |
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Demeter
Goody-two-shoes Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 02 May 2008 Posts: 1079 Reviews: 293 Country: Finland – the noble land of polar bears and Santa Claus 3856 Points
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Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 6:11 am Post subject: |
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Yay, Eimear! You're back in the business!
I partly agree with Cade here. I also wasn't so enthusiastic about the repetition. Then again, it kept the stanzas together.
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| I tell you dear one |
Place a comma between you and dear.
I like the hope that can be felt in the poem. This wasn't perhaps the best I've read by you, but it's certainly not bad, either. I just always feel so stupid reviewing your poems. I don't know why. I'm sorry this isn't much of a review, but keep writing and I hope to see you around!
Demeter xxx |
_________________ While you were reading my signature, I took your wallet. |
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