Topic ID: 35679
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Posts: 474
Reviews: 81
Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
380 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 8:29 pm Post subject: Please Don't Run |
 |
|
I just wrote this a few minutes ago. 
Please don’t run.
You won’t be late.
Love’s too strong,
To kill and hate.
Why the rush?
Please don’t hurry.
Life’s too short,
To fear and worry.
Don’t take action,
With unnecessary speed.
Definitely don’t race;
This I plead.
Please don’t run.
You won’t be late.
The Lord will meet you,
At the gate. |
_________________
"The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
bisquit
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 107
Reviews: 64
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 12:18 pm Post subject: |
|
|
There is some really great rhyming in here! it doesn't seem forced and isn't unnecessary. good work!
There are so many oppurtunities for semi colons in here. you could afford to add in a few more just for oppurtune punctuation. 
For something u wrote a few minutes ago, its really very good.
you could even extend on it further
i like it especially because it is straight to the point.
good work |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
dailystatic
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 22 Jul 2008
Posts: 25
Reviews: 2
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 3:44 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| The flow and tone are great! And I actually really like the length. Any longer and it might seem forced. I love the ending "The Lord will meet you/At the gate" because it's so simple but so full of meaning. |
_________________
"Procrastination - do it now, don't put it off," - Ellen DeGeneres |
|
| Back to top |
|
horsez919
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 28 Jun 2008
Posts: 46
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 12:09 am Post subject: |
|
|
oOoOoOoO
I loved it!! it sounds soo good. haha uhm..well..obviously to me and other comment people the rhyming it just right..not too forced.
my favorite part:
| Quote: |
Why the rush?
Please don’t hurry.
Life’s too short,
To fear and worry. |
And then I agree with dailystatic that the ending is perfect. its kinda calm...but ends the poem..strongly. [?] hmph.
awesome poem!!!
_horsez919
bleh. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Posts: 474
Reviews: 81
Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
380 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 7:18 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Thanks so much everybody! |
_________________
"The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
|
| Back to top |
|
clueless
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Posts: 106
Reviews: 35
409 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 12:17 am Post subject: |
|
|
"Life’s too short,
To fear and worry.
Don’t take action,
With unnecessary speed."
no, this sounds to long and breaks it up too much.
other wise bravo. |
_________________
I am, a flower quickly fading. Here today but gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind. Still you, hear me when I'm calling. You catch me when I'm falling. You told me who I am.
I am yours. |
|
| Back to top |
|
gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Posts: 474
Reviews: 81
Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
380 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 12:32 am Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks M.J.
I'll try to find alternate words. |
_________________
"The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
