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Finding Claire Summary
Finding Claire Summary

by thevoiceinside in NaNoWriMo
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on September 6, 2008
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Brought together by book and dog

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tnme22   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 4:20 pm    Post subject: Brought together by book and dog Reply with quote

I wrote this last year in my English Composition class. We had to think of a six word short story, make that our title, and then write a short, short story.

She sat on her porch on a sunny afternoon reading her favorite book. Her parents were inside arguing again. The sun was in her eyes and there was no breeze. The bottoms of her legs were stuck to her chair and she was covered in sweat. She was hungry and parched but didn’t want to go inside to her parents. She wasn’t in the mood.

He needed some fresh air. He had been watching football all day and was sick of sitting on the couch. His dog was looking out the window, longing. The boy snapped her leash on and took her outside. It was nice to finally stretch his legs he thought as he took the dog around the block. The dog did her business by her favorite tree and the boy started the walk back to his house. The dog had other plans. It led the boy down another street, then another. He didn’t complain. It was nice to be in the fresh air.

She finished her chapter and looked down her deserted, dead end street. No one ever walked down here.

He continued to follow his dog as she led him down yet another street, this one was a dead end. Great. He thought. What is she up to now?

She saw a boy and a dog come onto her street. As he got closer she realized she knew him from somewhere.

He started down the street and saw a girl sitting on her porch. He knew her from somewhere. The dog led the boy to the sidewalk in front of her house. He could hear yelling inside.

She saw him stop in front of her house. She heard glass breaking inside. Great.

He wondered what was going on. The dog ran up the porch steps to the girl. The boy had no choice to follow.

She was shocked that he was now standing on her porch. The yelling got even louder.

“Parents?” He guessed.

She nodded.

“Wanna take a break?” He asked.

“Sure.” She answered. After peeling her legs off of her chair she carefully set her book down, and followed the boy and his dog.



Last edited by tnme22 on Mon Sep 29, 2008 2:22 am; edited 2 times in total
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alwaysawriter   View This User's Portfolio
is back to writing and critiquing.
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 8:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi tnmes22. I know you're probably not going to make any changes but I thought I'd review it anyway and because it's so short, it may be harsh.

Grammatically, I saw nothing wrong. Your sentences, however, bothered me:

Quote:
She sat on her porch on a sunny afternoon reading her favorite book. Her parents were inside arguing again. The sun was in her eyes and there was no breeze. The bottoms of her legs were stuck to her chair and she was covered in sweat. She was hungry and parched but didn’t want to go inside to her parents. She wasn’t in the mood.
You ramble here. Maybe make it a little less ramble-like?

Quote:
He needed some fresh air. He had been watching football all day and was sick of sitting on the couch. His dog was looking out the window, longing. The boy snapped her leash on and took her outside. It was nice to finally stretch his legs he thought as he took the dog around the block. The dog did her business by her favorite tree and the boy started the walk back to his house. The dog had other plans. It led the boy down another street, then another. He didn’t complain. It was nice to be in the fresh air.
Once again, ramble. The sentences were short and choppy too so unless they're for some sort of effect, try combining some of them together.

Quote:
She finished her chapter and looked down her deserted, dead end street.
If it just ends, it wouldn't be a street, it would be a cul-de-sac.

Quote:
Great. He thought. What is she up to now?
Put Great in italics because you want to separate it from the rest and show that he's thinking and do the same for What Is She Up To Now?

Quote:
She heard glass breaking inside. Great.
Put Great in italics for the reason listed above.

Quote:
“Sure.” She answered. After peeling her legs off of her chair she carefully set her book down, and followed the boy and his dog.
Eh, that was an okay ending.

To stop rambling as much, only write what needs to be there. If it doesn't need to be there, don't add it.

PM me if you need anything.

-alwaysawriter

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KailaMarie   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 11:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought this was cute. I liked how they both just kind of wanted to escape.

The only thing is, where do they know each other from? If you're going to add the "That person seemed familiar" part, then you should explain why they were familiar to each other.

And I liked the ending. It left you hanging, making you imagine what might happen next. Very nice.

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This thread was created on September 6, 2008

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