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olivia1987uk
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 Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 10:34 am Post subject: Every Angel Has To Fall Prologue |
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*Prologue*
She closed her eyes and let her knuckles knock on the door, not sure what to expect. Kerry was a mother, a mother who had just found out her fifteen year old daughter had been conducting a sexual relationship with her eighteen year old boyfriend. This was illegal. This was her daughter. This was her daughters’ innocence.
Summer cried. She didn’t know what else to do. She’d pulled at her clothes and her hair in some sort of attempt to relieve the pain and the anguish she was undoubtedly about to go through. Her mother knew. Summer didn’t understand how she’d found out or what was going to happen now, but if she only ever knew one thing it was that her mother hated Jamie with a passion. Summer only could ever have love for him.
He heard the banging on the solid oak front door and crouched in the corner of his bedroom. Jamie knew this action was not going to help him. His dad knew he was upstairs. His bedroom was eight foot by ten foot. It wouldn’t be hard for his Dad to find him. Jamie loved Summer. They had been together ten months. He had not done anything wrong. All they did was express their love for each other. It was consensual. Wasn’t it? She loved him. Didn’t she? |
Last edited by olivia1987uk on Fri Oct 31, 2008 8:08 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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unsterblichkeit36
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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More, More, More!!!!!
I want more! |
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StarDuster
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:15 pm Post subject: review |
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| This is a very good start. It was a little awkward going from one person to the next in only 3 paragraphs. At first I thought maybe you should give us more information. But after I read it again and thought about it, this beginning does kind of fit in. They're in the same position at the same time, am I right? You might want to try to at least use a way to make it flow from one point of view to the next, still, though. It is a well-written beginning.. I look forward to reading on. |
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olivia1987uk
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:17 pm Post subject: |
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Cheers for the reviews you two...I dunno what to do about it flowing from one person to the other with this only being the prologue...it'll be different when I get to doing it chapters....
xxx |
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alwaysawriter
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:31 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Olivia.
All I can say is that I liked how you switched characters in it. Try separting the times you switch whose talking though, by something other than paragraphs. Expand more on their thoughts or something then separate it by this thing * and continue on.
This was her daughters’ innocence. No need to reinstate this; we already get that she's shocked and she can't believe her daughter would do something like this.
For Chapter 1 or Part 1 (whatever you want to call it) expand on everything. How did her mother find out? How did she and Jamie meet? Stuff like that.
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| Summer only could ever have love for him. |
I don't think this really fits in the paragraph; you go on talking about how her mother hates him in one sentence to her love for him in the next. Maybe in Chapter 1 (or Part 1)?
I hope I helped and PM me for anything at all. 
-alwaysawriter |
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Last edited by alwaysawriter on Sat Sep 06, 2008 6:36 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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KailaMarie
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 6:32 pm Post subject: |
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| conducting a sexual relationship |
this sounds too formal, I think. You should just say her daughter was having sex with an 18 year old. or however you want to put it.
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| This was her daughters’ innocence. |
that should be daughter's not daughters'
this was really good, i want to read more!! the only thing I would suggest is that I don't know where Summer is. You say that her mom is outside the door knocking, and Jamie is hiding in his room, but where is Summer? with Jamie?
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| It was consensual. Wasn’t it? She loved him. Didn’t she? |
I liked how he started to second guess himself. It made him seem realistic.
Let me know when you get more, i really liked this!! |
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lotti
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 6:36 pm Post subject: |
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hi olivia
this is quite interesting, the whole sex and age debate, and adresing it in a peice of work.
i'd like there to be more from each character, like three paragraphys or something. Basicly because im a stickler for detail
i got a little confused about who was speaking at first, so perhaps you could title up each section with the characters name. O and in the second paragraphy, i read "summer cried" and thought it was amazing literary tool... then realized it was the characters name. so yh, think of that what you will. lol
i know these characters are reletivly young, but they seem to have quite an immiture view of love. maybe you could use a metaphor or something instead of saying out right "jamie loved summer"
im intrged about jamies dad. why is he looking for jamie, does he know his son has been having sex with an underaged girl. And most of all how will he react if he does know. I kinda thought abusive parent thing.
but yh sounds good. You could really make a statment about views of teenage romance here as long as you try and stay away from the clichas as most as you can.
nice work
x |
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jasmine12
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 7:12 pm Post subject: Re: Every Angel Has To Fall |
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Oh my gosh!
I love this. Very talented writing right here. I love how you used each of the characters as the narrators. Somthing tells me that it's going to change like that through out the book.
One thing that caught my eye is the way Jamie talks should be casual, shouldn't it. Instead of 'They had' something like They'd sounds more appropriate for the times and age group.
I like Jamie. He seems like a nice kid, well, besides the obvious. Awh, he looooves Summer...that's cute. haha. I have nothing bad to say about this piece. This is good. I would love to see more. |
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JC
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 10:22 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this, although it was too short to really form any true opinion of it. I would like to know a little more, even if it was just the prolouge. Prolouge doesn't always mean short, in fact sometimes the prolouge is too short and just becomes unnecessary. Maybe this should just be part of the first chapter.
Another thing that could help this a little bit, is that it was a little tell-y. I know, it's the most cliche thing I can say, but try to show, not tell. The ettique of writing doesn't get thrown away just because this is a prolouge, it would still be nice to actually have some amoutnt of care for the characters and the situation, but like this it's just too short.
I hope to see more of this!
Keep up the good work!
-JC |
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xGraceex
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 3:07 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked it, though it was a bit confusing going from one character to the next in such a short space of time.
I still lived it though, it felt real, it didn't sound like it was off a soap opera or a film.
I could already imagine the characters really well and i cant wait for more! 
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| Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:38 am Post subject: |
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This is beautiful. I really like it.
It's too short for me to really comment on, but I liked how you switched form the characters. I also thought Jamie was cool, much different to most of the male characters I see.
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| His bedroom was eight foot by ten foot. |
What boy knows the size of his room? I'd just say, "His bedroom was tiny."
I hope this doesn't turn into a teenage pregnancy story, it could be amazing and beautiful without anything like that.
I'll go and read chapter one, now! |
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miyaviloves
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| Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 2:40 pm Post subject: |
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Well I went to part three and thought it might be better to read from the beginning first 
First off, Jamie is the best boys name in the world ever. I love it. My dog is even called Jamie. There we go, I approve of the boys name
This is an interesting prologue, it already has raised enigmas like what will her mum do? Does she really lvoe Jamie? Will Jamie get in trouble?
All that from a prologue shows its off to a good start, so well done.
OK, now I'm off to read the other parts
Meevs
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dianis97
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| Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 10:24 pm Post subject: |
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nicee!!
I liked it, but there were things like:
conducting a sexual relationship..
its too formal, just say having sex.
and the rest..well, I agree with the reviews, like the size of the room etc..
overall good job! |
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KJ
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| Posted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 12:44 pm Post subject: |
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Has a lot of potential
I would suggest somehow separating the three paragraphs in a more obvious way. Perhaps insert a few of these between each, so we know that we're beginning something new: * * *
But these characters seem really similar in their voices. I would try to work on that.
Also, some of your sentence structure is awkward. I'm out of time, but I'll try to come back to this to show you what I mean.
Keep writing.
KJ |
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Stella Thomas
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| Posted: Fri Oct 31, 2008 4:57 pm Post subject: Re: Every Angel Has To Fall Prologue |
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Hey Olive (can I call you that? It's what I call my friend with your name, only it's not like olive the little black thing, it's just the first two syllables of Olivia... anyway, I'll stop rambling.) Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
| Quote: |
| had been conducting a sexual relationship with her eighteen year old boyfriend. |
conducting doesn't seem quite the right word, only I don't know what other to use.
| Quote: |
| This was her daughters’ innocence. |
But isn't her innocence gone? Perhaps "destruction of her daughter's innocence" or something would be better.
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| She’d pulled at her clothes and her hair in some sort of attempt to relieve the pain and the anguish she was undoubtedly about to go through |
I thought this was leading to something else but then it didn't. I thought it would be "She'd pulled... until..." I think maybe just change it to "She pulled..." that might be better.
Right so...
II. BREAK IT UP
Just a little technical thing, maybe put in asterisks or dashes between your paragraphs. I know on Word Processor or wherever you were doing it the double space was fine, but it isn't on YWS because of the nature of paragraphs here. Just split them up.
III. OVERALL
There really isn't a whole bunch left for me to say. As this is a prologue, there's no need to worry about characterization etc. You managed it well, and it sets a good scene for your story. I'm intrigued as to how Loretta found out and about the story in general. You did a good job.
PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella x |
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