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Already Won Me
Already Won Me

by lilymoore in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on September 6, 2008
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Chapter 1 (check it please)
A LIfe Driven By Revenge Part 1
Shape shifters chapter one
Bloodlust Chapter 1 part 2

BloodLust chapter 1 part 1 Goto page 1, 2  Next

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Should i continue?
No
8%
 8%  [ 1 ]
Yes
91%
 91%  [ 11 ]
Ummmm
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 12

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 4:56 am    Post subject: BloodLust chapter 1 part 1 Reply with quote

Hmmm haven't posted a story in a while. Lets see if I've still got it.

This is only a part of the first chapter by the way.

EDITED - Thanks Kaylyn

EDITED Again- Thanks Chirantha

EDITED - Thanks A lot Fellow

EDITED - Thanks to ashleylee

EDITED - Thanks JosephDean

I looked up into the sky hoping for... something... anything. It was dark and cold, too cold. A small bur started to fall imperceptibly making the night colder than it was, even though it was always dark and cold now.

Ever since that day...

I brushed away the thought of it as it was too painful. I sighed to myself.

What should I do now?

I leaned against the trunk of the tree I was sitting on. The forest was a good hiding place especially if one did not want to be seen. I yawned and the image of myself came into my mind. It was almost funny. A Vampire yawning, revealing his sharp canines battling with the urge of drinking blood. And then it hit me. I was thirsty for blood. I resisted the urge to go back into the city. It grew inside me, but I succeeded in resisting it this time, though, I knew my victory would not last long.

How long had it been?

I had lost count of time. I jumped down from the tree and landed lightly on the hard ground succeeding in keep my balance. I was still not used to being a Vampire. I could hear sounds no human could hear, see things in the dark better than even a cat, and smell the sweet scent of blood kilometers away.

The urge came back to me, stronger than before. I tried to suppress it but as I had known, I was too weak.

Maybe I should go to the village. It wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe I could lure a villager and then…

I snapped out of the thought. My whole body seemed to work against me. I felt as if some invisible force was pulling me towards the village. I tried to scream but nothing came out of my mouth. Then I blacked out.

****

I woke woke up, rubbed my eyes, and looked around. I was in an alley inside the city. The ground was paved and there was a drain to one side of the alley. The state of my clothes caught my eye. They were covered in blood and a little part of my sleeve was ripped off. I turned sideways to open my mouth and spit some blood that probably did not belong to me. Though I did not dare to search through my memories I knew someone had died or would share the same fate as I. I stood there petrified for a moment watching the blood as it coursed down into the drain. I didn’t know what to do but what surprised me the most was that it wasn't that disgusting as it should have been to me. As I looked around again my ears caught the sound of some men coming towards me. I stood up and was surprised to feel my whole body recharged with energy. The thought of them killing me for what I was made me run as fast as I could through the alley.

“Bloodsuckers!” I heard the men shouting.

I kept on running as fast as my legs would carry me, not looking back. I could feel the warm liquid sticking onto my skin. I liked it; I could feel it hardening as I ran. I stopped at the end of the alley and looked for a way to escape. I heard the men getting closer shouting out curses about Vampires. They were coming for me.

God help me!

I started crying, I was scared and didn’t know what do. In frustration I started banging my fists on the hard brick wall. The sound of the men catching up with me made me turn around. There were about ten men holding pikes and five more holding bows. All I could do was stand still, trying to think of a way to escape. As I did, I saw a window to my right. A little high but it was worth a try. The men were obviously going to kill me, so I ran towards it and jumped up, outstretching my arms, trying to catch hold of the ledge of the window but to no avail. Before I succeeded, a man caught my leg and pulled me down. As my hands lost their pleading grasp I felt the terror that grew inside me. I let out an "Ah!" and collapsed on the ground. Each of them pulled out a stake and laughed at my distress. As my mind forced my body to fight on against the men, one thought came into my mind.

I'm going to die now, aren't I?

I closed my eyes.


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Last edited by Firestalker on Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:25 am; edited 9 times in total
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really like this story.PLEASE,PLEASE,PLEASE,CONTINUE IT. I hate cliffhangers they're so cruel. Now for the critique.

-----------------------------------------------------------------


Quote:
The urge came back to me, stronger than before. I tried to suppress it but as I had known, I was too weak.


****


Quote:
I woke up and rubbed my eyes. I looked around. I was in an alley inside the city. The ground was paved and there was a drain to one side of the alley. I looked at my clothes. They were covered in blood. I didn’t know what to do. I was surprised that I was not disgusted of it. I looked around again. I heard some men coming towards me. I stood up and was surprised to feel my whole body recharged with energy. I ran as fast as I could through the alley.


Try not to have so many I's.

Quote:
“Bloodsuckers!” I heard the men shouting

I kept running as fast as I could. I could feel the warm liquid sticking onto my skin. I liked it. I stopped at the end of the alley and looked for a way to escape. I heard the men getting closer shouting out curses about Vampires. They were coming for me.


Nice, you build up a scene really good.


Quote:
I started crying. I was scared. I didn’t know what do. I started banging my fists on the hard brick wall. The men caught up with me. I turned around. I counted ten men holding pikes and five more holding bows. I stood still trying to find a way to escape. I sighted a window to my right. A little high but it was worth it. I ran towards it and jumped up outstretching my arms trying to catch hold of the ledge of the window, to no avail. Before I could a man caught my leg and pulled me down. Each of them pulled out a stake and laughed at my distress. I knew I would die then.


Okay you started every sentance with I except one. Change that. I really liked the story. I hope you continue with it.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 1:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

eh he he Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed I think you were right about the 'I's. I lessened them as much as i could and i hope its better now. It was a little hard to take out the 'I's in the last paragraph though. Do i need to cut more 'I's or not now??

Thanks a lot by the way. Wink Wink Wink Wink

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 1:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, much better. You don't need to cut down on any more I's.
I did catch a few mistakes that I overlooked though.



Quote:
I started crying, as I was scared and didn’t know what do. In frustration I started banging my fists on the hard brick wall. The sound of the men catching up with me made me turn around. There were about ten men holding pikes and five more holding bows. All I could do was stand still trying to find a way to escape. As I did, I saw a window to my right. A little high but it was worth it. The men were obviously going to kill me so I ran towards it and jumped up outstretching my arms trying to catch hold of the ledge of the window, to no avail. Before I succeeded a man caught my leg and pulled me down. Each of them pulled out a stake and laughed at my distress. As my mind forced my body to fight on one thought came into my mind.

'I'm going to die now aren't I?'


I really like your story, it has potiential. Please let me know when you come out with another one. Right now I am working on my own little vampire story.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 2:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another story of vampires. Okay, let me rip this apart. Just kidding. Wink

Quote:
I looked up into the sky. It was dark and cold, too cold. It was always dark now,

That was a great start. Well done.

Quote:
I succeeded this time but I knew my victory would not last long.

"I had succeeded" and I think it should be last time.

Quote:
I didn’t know what to do but was surprised that it was not not disgusting as it should have been to me.

It should be 'what surprised me was'

Quote:
As i looked around again my ears caught the sound of some men coming towards me.

Capitalize the "I"

Quote:
The thought of them killing me for what I was made me run as fast as I could through the alley.

There should be comma after the 'I was'

Quote:
“Bloodsuckers!” I heard the men shouting

Laughing This was a really funny and good name for vampires.

Quote:
I kept running as fast as I could.

It should be "kept on running"

Quote:
I could feel the warm liquid sticking onto my skin.

It wouldn't be warm, would it?

Quote:
I heard the men getting closer shouting out curses about Vampires.

This was really funny. Laughing

Quote:
All I could do was stand still trying to find a way to escape.

That should be 'stand still and try'

Quote:
As my mind forced my body to fight on one thought came into my mind.

There should be comma after 'fight on' and it should be 'a thought'

Okay, first I have to say that to put a name for your charater. I didn't even know if that character was a boy or girl. Please, make it a girl. And you'll have to describe about him/her. I didn't picture your charater as you had not mentioned his/her appearence. And what happened when he blacked out?

Please write the next chapter. By the way, I love cliffhangers.

Good luck. Wink

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 4:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Question: Doesn't the main character have any vampiric powers that will help him escape?

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 4:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Really, hurry up and come out with the other part! I'm going to lose all of my fingernails before you come out with it. Yes, now your officially under pressure. I love vampire books!! Good Luck.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 4:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Patience it will take a little time with school going on here.

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Last edited by Firestalker on Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:01 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Question: Doesn't the main character have any vampiric powers that will help him escape?

Answer - Of course he has but if you didn't know much about vampires and you just turned into one a few days ago and you were not very keen about being a vampire then would you know how to use them??

By the way aren't you going to kill me??

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Firestalker, what about my question?

Quote:
Okay, first I have to say that to put a name for your charater. I didn't even know if that character was a boy or girl. Please, make it a girl. And you'll have to describe about him/her. I didn't picture your charater as you had not mentioned his/her appearence. And what happened when he blacked out?


Please, answer it.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In the next post i will. Its a mystery till then. So keep guessing till then Chirantha. Keep guessing. And of course i have to think of a name for my character too don't i??

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 10:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Come on guys i need about two more Crits or suggestions before i can post the second part of the story. So try to at least comment and rate the story (poll).

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 11:22 am    Post subject: Review Reply with quote

Ok you need a review i`ll do my best.

Quote:
I looked up into the sky hoping for... something... anything. It was dark and cold, too cold. A small bur started to fall imperceptibly making the night sticky and colder than it was. It was always dark now,

ever since that day...
I brushed away the thought of it as it was too painful. I sighed to myself.

What should I do now?

I leaned against the trunk of the tree I was sitting in. The forest was a good hiding place especially if one did not want to be seen. I yawned and that imagine of myself came into my mind. It was almost funny. A vampire yawning, revealing his sharp canines battleling with the urge of drinking blood. And then it hit me. I was thirsty for blood. I resisted the urge to go back into the city. It grew inside me, but I succeeded in resisting it this time though I knew my victory would not last long.

How long had it been?

I had lost count of time. I jumped down from the tree and landed lightly on the hard ground succeeding to keep my balance. I was still not used to being a Vampire. I could hear sounds no human could hear, see things in the dark better than even a cat and smell the sweet scent of blood kilometers away.

~~~~~

Quote:
I tried to scream but nothing came out of my mouth.I felt how my body hits the ground and the smell of dead leafs flood my nostrils. Then I blacked out.

~~~~~

Quote:
I woke up, rubbed my eyes and looked around. I was in an alley inside the city. The ground was paved and there was a drain to one side of the alley. The state of my clothes caught my eye. They were covered in blood and a little part of my sleeve was ripped off. I turned on a side and opened my mouth spitting some blood, that probably did not belong to me and I did not dare to search through my memories the one that died or will share the same fate as I. I stood there petrified for a moment watching the blood as it coursed down `till the drain.


Quote:
I didn’t know what to do but what surprised me the most was that it wasn't that disgusting as it should have been to me.

What have I done?

~~~~~

Quote:
Before I succeeded a man caught my leg and pulled me down. As my hands lost their pleading grasp I felt the terror that grew inside me. I let out an "Ah!" and collapsed on the ground.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay okay, I'll look over it again, just so you can post the second part *grumbles and mutters to self* here goes:

Quote:
I looked up into the sky hoping for... something... anything. It was dark and cold, too cold. A small bur started to fall imperceptibly making the night colder than it was. It was always dark now,
ever since that day...


Great way to draw the reader in.

I
Quote:
leaned against the trunk of the tree I was sitting in. The forest was a good hiding place especially if one did not want to be seen. I yawned and that imagine of myself came into my mind. It was almost funny. A vampire yawning, revealing his sharp canines battleling with the urge of drinking blood. And then it hit me. I was thirsty for blood. I resisted the urge to go back into the city. It grew inside me, but I succeeded in resisting it this time though I knew my victory would not last long.


So are sitting on the tree or in the tree? Smile

Quote:
I had lost count of time. I jumped down from the tree and landed lightly on the hard ground succeeding to keep my balance. I was still not used to being a Vampire. I could hear sounds no human could hear, see things in the dark better than even a cat and smell the sweet scent of blood kilometers away.


I like the metaphors here, very good to incorporate them.

Quote:
Maybe I should go to the village. It wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe I could lure a villager and then…
I snapped out of the thought. My whole body seemed to work against me. I felt as if some invisible force was pulling me towards the village. I tried to scream but nothing came out of my mouth. Then I blacked out.


Very interesting.

****

Quote:
I woke up, rubbed my eyes and looked around. I was in an alley inside the city. The ground was paved and there was a drain to one side of the alley. The state of my clothes caught my eye. They were covered in blood and a little part of my sleeve was ripped off. I turned on a side and opened my mouth spitting some blood, that probably did not belong to me and I did not dare to search through my memories the one that died or will share the same fate as I. I stood there petrified for a moment watching the blood as it coursed down `till the drain. I didn’t know what to do but what surprised me the most was that it wasn't that disgusting as it should have been to me. As I looked around again my ears caught the sound of some men coming towards me. I stood up and was surprised to feel my whole body recharged with energy. The thought of them killing me for what I was, made me run as fast as I could through the alley.


Okay, that is a run on sentance and it really doesn't make sence to me. Break it up, clarify.

Quote:
“Bloodsuckers!” I heard the men shouting


Lol

Quote:
I kept on running as fast as my legs would carry me, not looking back in fear. I could feel the warm liquid sticking onto my skin. I liked it, I could feel it getting colder and solidifying as I ran. I stopped at the end of the alley and looked for a way to escape. I heard the men getting closer shouting out curses about Vampires. They were coming for me.

Very descriptive...

Quote:
I started crying, as I was scared and didn’t know what do. In frustration I started banging my fists on the hard brick wall. The sound of the men catching up with me made me turn around. There were about ten men holding pikes and five more holding bows. All I could do was stand still, trying to think of a way to escape. As I did I saw a window to my right. A little high but it was worth it. The men were obviously going to kill me so I ran towards it and jumped up outstretching my arms trying to catch hold of the ledge of the window, to no avail.Before I succeeded a man caught my leg and pulled me down. As my hands lost their pleading grasp I felt the terror that grew inside me. I let out an "Ah!" and collapsed on the ground. Each of them pulled out a stake and laughed at my distress. As my mind forced my body to fight on against the men, one thought came into my mind.


Okay put a space between your period and the next sentance.
Comment: What horrible people, you'd think they'd show some mercy.

Anyways PM me when you post more, I'd love to read it and tear it apart... wait I mean review it. LOL. Good luck with it. Smile

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 5:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Firestalker!

You left a comment on my Post Work thread in the group and I'm here answering it Wink

All my comments are in bold, all corrections in red.


I looked up into the sky hoping for... something... anything. It was dark and cold, too cold. A small bur started to fall imperceptibly making the night colder than it was. It was always dark now, okay, these two last sentences need to be combined somehow. They are too simliar. Try something like: ....making the night colder than it already was, even though it seems that it always is dark and cold. or something like that Wink

ever since that day...

I brushed away the thought of it as it was too painful. I sighed to myself.

What should I do now?

I leaned against the trunk of the tree I was sitting in. The forest was a good hiding place especially if one did not want to be seen. I yawned and that imagine of myself came into my mind. It was almost funny. A vampire yawning, revealing his sharp canines battleling with the urge of drinking blood. And then it hit me. I was thirsty for blood. I resisted the urge to go back into the city. It grew inside me, but I succeeded in resisting it this time though I knew my victory would not last long.

How long had it been?

I had lost count of time. I jumped down from the tree and landed lightly on the hard ground succeeding to in keep my balance. I was still not used to being a Vampire. I could hear sounds no human could hear, see things in the dark better than even a cat comma and smell the sweet scent of blood kilometers away.

The urge you seem to use "urge" a lot. I would try to use different word, like "desire" or "need" something to difference between sentences came back to me, stronger than before. I tried to suppress it but as I had known, I was too weak.

Maybe I should go to the village. It wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe I could lure a villager and then…

I snapped out of the thought. My whole body seemed to work against me. I felt as if some invisible force was pulling me towards the village. I tried to scream but nothing came out of my mouth. Then I blacked out.


****


I woke up, rubbed my eyes and looked around. I was in an alley inside the city. The ground was paved and there was a drain to one side of the alley. The state of my clothes caught my eye. They were covered in blood and a little part of my sleeve was ripped off. I turned on a side and opened my mouth spitting some blood, that probably did not belong to me and I did not dare to search through my memories the one that died or will share the same fate as I. this is a really long sentence and kind of confusing. Try to change it to maybe something like: I turned on my side and opened my mouth, spitting blod that probably wasn't mine. I didn't dare search through my memories for the one that died by fang of my own body. I know, this is bad and I know you probably can come up with something better so...yeah Wink I stood there petrified for a moment watching the blood as it coursed down `till into the drain. I didn’t know what to do but what surprised me the most was that it wasn't that disgusting as it should have been to me. As I looked around again my ears caught the sound of some men coming towards me. I stood up and was surprised to feel my whole body recharged with energy. The thought of them killing me for what I was, made me run as fast as I could through the alley.

“Bloodsuckers!” I heard the men shouting

I kept on running as fast as my legs would carry me, not looking back in fear. I could feel the warm liquid sticking onto my skin. I liked it, I could feel it getting colder and solidifying as I ran. I stopped at the end of the alley and looked for a way to escape. I heard the men getting closer shouting out curses about Vampires. They were coming for me.

Help me God

I started crying, as I was scared and didn’t know what do. In frustration I started banging my fists on the hard brick wall. The sound of the men catching up with me made me turn around. There were about ten men holding pikes and five more holding bows. All I could do was stand still, trying to think of a way to escape. As I did I saw a window to my right. A little high but it was worth it. The men were obviously going to kill me so I ran towards it and jumped up outstretching my arms trying to catch hold of the ledge of the window, but to no avail.Before I succeeded a man caught my leg and pulled me down. As my hands lost their pleading grasp I felt the terror that grew inside me. I let out an "Ah!" and collapsed on the ground. Each of them pulled out a stake and laughed at my distress. As my mind forced my body to fight on against the men, one thought came into my mind.
for this paragraph, you have to show us more clearly what is happening. Right now, it is slighlty confusing. Try to clear it up with more active imagery. Grap the reader. Create a world for them where they can escape to, you know?

I'm going to die now aren't I?

Then I blacked out. You say "blacked out" twice here in this piece. I would use something else to leave us hanging instead of this.

Okay, this was good. Kind of like the old times, which no one ever uses now for vampire stories so I'm glad you did.

The only thing I would work on is making this more personal. Right now, I can't really feel for your MC. You need to make them someone who the reader can connect to, you know?

I would just read through this yourself and see what things should be expanded on and what things just need to be cut out.

Hopefully this helped! Very Happy

_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth
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