Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

The Top 25!

Favorite part of writing?
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
It’s time for them to learn
It’s time for them to learn

by lordgluzman in Lyrics
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on September 6, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


Silverblade ch1 pt1

Topic ID: 35649
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
sylverdawn   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

53
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 495
Reviews: 53

155 Points

PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 4:02 am    Post subject: Silverblade ch1 pt1 Reply with quote

Silverblade:

Chapter I- Memory

Rhys pounded down the wharf, his breath misted slightly in the cool autumn air. He fought the urge to glance back, knowing deep inside that the Shadow was hunting him. Just so had they played this scene out a thousand thousand times. They would continue to fight as Fate's Wheel spun them out into life again and again.

A faint whistling reached Rhys' ears and he rolled forward, the blade ripped over his head, formed completely of darkness. It slammed into the stone walls of a nearby warehouse, striking sparks that started a quickly spreading fire. Flames lit the surface of the ocean lighting the wharf like the sun at high noon. Rhys didn't even pause to glance at the fire, before he was up and running once more.

He turned onto one of docks dodging between crates of half unloaded cargo. Ahead he saw the circle of light, it swirled like a rainbow of jewel like colors. A blue brighter then the summer sky, purple gold like the most glorious sunrise, and a red that flames could only envy.

Stifling his shout of relief, Rhys left his hiding place and ran foward. He was just a few feet from the gate when his foot landed in a pool of darkness, and sunk. Eyes widening Rhys looked up and saw the gate vanish as a man cloaked in darkness rose up from the dock, the Shadow. Snarling Rhys drew his katana, it glowed with a light of its own soft and warm. Vaguely Rhys noticed the darkness flinch back from the blade.

The Shadow laughed darkly, "Do you truly think that sword will harm me now Bright One?"

"It worked before didn't it?" Rhys retorted, sunk in the darkness to his waist now.

Shaking his head the Shadow pointed at Rhys. "The game is over and you have lost. So I mark you, as is my right."

Rhys hissed and turned his wrist over. A black rune had burned itself on the inside of his wrist, a jagged black line slashing through a perfect circle.

Glaring at the shadow, defiance sparked in Rhys' eyes. "I may have lost this round but this war far from over. Deftly Rhys flipped the dagger and stabbed at his own throat, distantly he heard the Shadow shout in fury, robbed once again of the prize he had so long sought. Then the peace of death once again closed gently over Rhys.

***

Hundreds of years passed before the Shadow heard the words he had waited for, across centuries, and several worlds. "We have found him." That one phrase flung his memory back in time.

Smiling darkly the Shadow turned to his soldier. She had waist length red hair, and the black eyes of a shade. "So it begins again, where is he?"

"He is in the realm of Tehra, as you said he is brave and cunning, a clever lad, well liked by his peers, if a bit of a lone wolf."

The Shadow waved that aside. "Of course he is. I know him better then he knows himself. What is his name now?"

"He was named Kal, he is seventeen now. "The woman asked eagerly.

He turned to the table and picked up a knife, it was made of black steel a blood red jewel was embedded in the hilt. "No. He does not yet know who he is. I would know if he had remembered. Just watch him for now. If it starts then take him."

She bowed hands on her knees. "Of course Dark Lord. I would gladly clip his wings for you." The woman turned to the portal applying the glamour so that she looked like a teenage girl.

"One more thing." The Shadow stopped her before she could pass through the portal. "Does he still bear my mark?"

"He does."

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Firestalker   View This User's Portfolio
Prince Of The StoryBooks and Death
Master of the Forum

94
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 11 May 2007
Posts: 1227
Reviews: 94
Country: Srilanka
718 Points

PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 4:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:

Stifling his shout of relief, Rhys left his hiding place and ran foward.forward



Quote:
Glaring at the shadow, defiance sparked in Rhys' eyes. "I may have lost this round but this war is far from over.


Quote:
Deftly Rhys flipped the dagger and stabbed at his own throat, distantly he heard the Shadow shout in fury, robbed once again of the prize he had so long sought.


Hmm stabbing ones own throat??
A little too much maybe. Try something like stabbing his neck.

The Shadow waved that aside. "Of course he is. I know him better then he knows himself. What is his name now?"

"He was named Kal, he is seventeen now." "The woman asked replied eagerly.

Quote:
She bowed hands on her knees. "Of course Dark Lord. I would gladly clip his wings for you." The woman turned to the portal applying the glamour glamor so that she looked like a teenage girl.


And what does applying glamor mean??

Quote:
"One more thing." The Shadow stopped her before she could pass through the portal. "Does he still bear my mark?"

"He does."


Nice ending

_________________
--
Dream of glory, Dream of life. And dare to fight for both. If you believe in nothing else, I say believe in that.
~~~~~ MWAHAHAHAHAHA I'm Insane, I'm Insane!!!!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
kittykat   View This User's Portfolio
la lalala la...
Speaker of the Forum

110
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 12
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
Posts: 737
Reviews: 110
Country: USA!
240 Points

PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 4:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

FIRST OF ALL! Welcome to YWS. Very Happy

Now, back to the review...

Plot

This sounds like it could be really good, but I do think it needs some improvement. Truthfully, this seems a rushed to me, and the beginning was very confusing. Confused

Quote:
A faint whistling reached Rhys' ears and he rolled forward, the blade ripped over his head, formed completely of darkness. It slammed into the stone walls of a nearby warehouse, striking sparks that started a quickly spreading fire. Flames lit the surface of the ocean lighting the wharf like the sun at high noon. Rhys didn't even pause to glance at the fire, before he was up and running once more.


Why'd he set the place on fire??

Then, Rhys was running again without looking back, again, and suddenly found the supposedly bad guy? Am I right? But why are they chasing each other, this Dark Lord and Bright One. Why did this even start, or how long has this been going on? How did it become what it is?

This does have potential, but it's leaving a lot of questions unanswered and would leave the reader confused unless they somehow knew the background of the story. You also need to slow down a bit, one minute their in the forest (I'm guessing) and the next this Dark Lord is... is... actually, I wasn't sure where he was...

--

Characters

Well, I really can't say much about any character other than that Rhys is the main character and the Dark Lord is the antagonist. Then theirs his helper, a woman with red hair that came a little later in the story, and there's nothing I can say about her. I think you need to tell us a little more about the characters as well as the plot line.

You described this Shadow's assistant, or whatever she is, but what about the Shadow himself? Or Rhys? Confused I don't recall you saying anything about what they looked like. The Shadow was described as being cloaked in darkness. I really think you can expand that more and say something more along the lines of maybe:

"He was cloaked in darkness that made an aura around his entire being, a wicked smile on his face."

Add in more detail to this, I really think it has potential. Very Happy I hope I get to see more of your work around. Just PM me if you have any question or need help with something! ^_^

-kittykat

_________________
Our happiness here is all vain glory,
This false world is but transitory,
The flesh is weak, the Fiend is slee
Timor mortis conturbat me.
--William Dunbar
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
sylverdawn   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

53
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 495
Reviews: 53

155 Points

PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know this is confusing at first. The idea is that Rhys is a being of light or literally the Light. The Shadow is his polar opposite, Rhys is in a way immortal, he is continually reincarnated in order to do battle with the Shadow. "Sacrifice to man's salvation" or something like that. The first part shows his last incarnation Rhys, and then it jumps forward to present day, when Rhys is reincarnated as Kal. It's meant to be confusing, because his prior lives are shrouded in mystery.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Firestalker   View This User's Portfolio
Prince Of The StoryBooks and Death
Master of the Forum

94
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 11 May 2007
Posts: 1227
Reviews: 94
Country: Srilanka
718 Points

PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

so its basically light vs darkness with light being Ryns and dark being the shadow??

So does the shadow reincarnate each time too?

Because normally the balance is that only with darkness can light survive and only when light dies can darkness live free. Anyway just asking if that's how the story works.

_________________
--
Dream of glory, Dream of life. And dare to fight for both. If you believe in nothing else, I say believe in that.
~~~~~ MWAHAHAHAHAHA I'm Insane, I'm Insane!!!!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Kaylyn   View This User's Portfolio
Southern Girl
Speaker of the Forum

166
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 15 Aug 2008
Posts: 762
Reviews: 166
Country: Forests of Raiyne
420 Points

PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 12:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really like your book its very original, and very interesting. But there are a few mistakes so I'll do a line by line critique.

Quote:
Rhys pounded down the wharf, his breath misted slightly in the cool autumn air. He fought the urge to glance back, knowing deep inside that the Shadow was hunting him. Just so had they played this scene out a thousand thousand times. They would continue to fight as Fate's Wheel spun them out into life again and again.


I love this first opening sentance. It draws the reader in. Its very descriptive.

Quote:
A faint whistling reached Rhys' ears and he rolled forward, the blade ripped over his head, formed completely of darkness. It slammed into the stone walls of a nearby warehouse, striking sparks that started a quickly spreading fire. Flames lit the surface of the ocean, lighting the wharf like the sun at high noon. Rhys didn't even pause to glance at the fire, before he was up and running once more.


Okay just put a comma after ocean.


Quote:
He turned onto one of docks, dodging between crates of half unloaded cargo. Ahead he saw the circle of light, it swirled like a rainbow of jewel like colors. A blue brighter then the summer sky, purple gold like the most glorious sunrise, and a red that flames could only envy.


Okay I love, love, love your descriptions. Make sure you out a comma after docks.


Quote:
Stifling his shout of relief, Rhys left his hiding place and ran foward. He was just a few feet from the gate when his foot landed in a pool of darkness, and sunk. Eyes widening Rhys looked up and saw the gate vanish as a man cloaked in darkness rose up from the dock, the Shadow. Snarling Rhys drew his katana, it glowed with a light of its own soft and warm. Vaguely Rhys noticed the darkness flinch back from the blade.


Nothing wrong here.


Quote:
The Shadow laughed darkly, "Do you truly think that sword will harm me now Bright One?"


"It worked before didn't it?" Rhys retorted, sunk in the darkness to his waist now.


Shaking his head the Shadow pointed at Rhys. "The game is over and you have lost. So I mark you, as is my right."


Rhys hissed and turned his wrist over. A black rune had burned itself on the inside of his wrist, a jagged black line slashing through a perfect circle.


Glaring at the shadow, defiance sparked in Rhys' eyes. "I may have lost this round but this war far from over. Deftly Rhys flipped the dagger and stabbed at his own throat, distantly he heard the Shadow shout in fury, robbed once again of the prize he had so long sought. Then the peace of death once again closed gently over Rhys.


Nothing wrong here...


***


Quote:
Hundreds of years passed before the Shadow heard the words he had waited for, across centuries, and several worlds. "We have found him." That one phrase flung his memory back in time.


Smiling darkly the Shadow turned to his soldier. She had waist length red hair, and the black eyes of a shade. "So it begins again, where is he?"


"He is in the realm of Tehra, as you said he is brave and cunning, a clever lad, well liked by his peers, if a bit of a lone wolf."


The Shadow waved that aside. "Of course he is. I know him better then he knows himself. What is his name now?"


"He was named Kal, he is seventeen now. "The woman asked eagerly.


He turned to the table and picked up a knife, it was made of black steel a blood red jewel was embedded in the hilt. "No. He does not yet know who he is. I would know if he had remembered. Just watch him for now. If it starts then take him."


She bowed hands on her knees. "Of course Dark Lord. I would gladly clip his wings for you." The woman turned to the portal applying the glamour so that she looked like a teenage girl.


yes. I know what glamour is.

Quote:
"One more thing." The Shadow stopped her before she could pass through the portal. "Does he still bear my mark?"


"He does."


This story has alot of potential. It was beautifully written. I hope you continue on. PM me when you get more out. I'll be happy to critique it.

_________________
The biggest lie told in high school:
That was my last piece. Smile

Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
http://www.kaylynstout.googlepages.com/books
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on September 6, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on September 6, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises. - Samuel Butler
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society