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Annie
Annie

by megdoodles13 in Action/Adventure Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on September 5, 2008
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Death of a hero
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Fellow   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 7:13 pm    Post subject: Death of a hero 2 Reply with quote

“Breathe!”

He awoke, but didn’t open his eyes, not daring to leave the pleasant numbness that was left in his body by the not-yet-finished sleep. He stretched out, perplexed and yawned pleased. He lay on the cold floor asking himself foolish questions for hours.

“Who am I? Why can’t I remember? “ He racked his brains trying to find any memory of himself, but it was useless. He saw only darkness… He felt empty.

He lifted himself from the floor and gazed upon the room. A mirror stood in front of him and a man was watching back at him, blinking, moving with him in the same way at the same time. He smiled at his handsome face and touched the delicate surface of the mirror, softly following the shape of his face.

Someone started to sing a strange song that rose more and more, overcoming the silence of the room. That woman`s voice, soft but still strong, comforting but still threatening , was so familiar to him. Another question to add to his list. He turned again watching the mirror. He was so mystified by his appearance. He took a step and gazed into his black?... grey eyes.

“I`m not that bad anyway” he laughed.

“Not bad at all, Ilith!” a harsh voice echoed trough the room.

He stepped back and saw another figure in the mirror. His hand reached to take “something” from his waist but only grasped air. He clenched his fits, waiting, watching at the young man that stood tall, gazing at him amusingly.

“Calm down! Will ya?” said the lad standing close to the wall.

“Who are you?”

“ Stop playing with me, Ilith! I`m your brother, Nayn, you moron!”

Ilith let his arms fall to his sides. He searched hopelessly into his mind and his memories came back. But not one after another… Noooo… All at once like a herd of mad sheeps leaving Ilith a little confused. He ignored the small dizziness and smiled back at Nayn.

“ I thought I'd never see you again, Fur ball!” he giggled.

“ No time for jokes. You messed up big time. Braethar lost his mind when he found out that you died.”

“Why?”

“The mark that you have on your hand is the mark of the sword. You never asked yourself what “Avargorn” means? Means “Death”. So if you die … You are dead… anyway if you die every single human being on earth will die.”

“ So the demon fouled me?”

“ Yes. I need to send you back… I`m sorry , my brother!”

Something dashed Ilith to the ground and screamed when an agonizing pain cut trough his head like a heated blade.

***

This will continue!!!


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Last edited by Fellow on Sun Sep 07, 2008 3:11 pm; edited 5 times in total
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 7:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

WOW! Cool Cool

some mistakes still, I'll just list them down:

Quote:
"Who am I? Why can't I remember? He racked his brains trying to find any memory of him,


you should change the "him" into "himself."

Quote:
That women`s voice,


Woman's voice!!

Quote:
I`m your brother,Nayn , you moron


space between words and comas.

Quote:
Braethar lost his minds when he found out that you died.


Lost his mind, not minds.


Last time I got a LOTRI feeling about the story... this time I got a Eragon feeling... Hmm. Mark on hand, mark has meaning... Hmm.

Well anywayz a very good piece Very Happy

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 7:56 pm    Post subject: Haha Reply with quote

Actually i never read Eragon... i didn't knew about the mark similarity... i`ll post more and you will catch up that the actuall story is nor LOTR nor Eragon.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 8:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

NEVER READ ERAGON!!! AAAGH Shocked Shocked

Read it... NOW!

When the next one is out, you can just pm me again and I'll give some crits... OK?

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 8:16 pm    Post subject: Ok Reply with quote

Ok ok. Calm youself! Smile i`m gonna go buy it tomorrow ... probably this week. Cheers for your replies m8

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 2:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, okay it isn't that bad. It isn't like Eragon.(I love Eragon by the way.)
*glares at Lord Anzius*
There's no connection to me...
Anyways I really really like it and I hope to see more of it!! If you need any help, critiques, advise you name it, just PM me. Let me know when you come out with the next installment.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 12:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, yeah I know I've critiqued it already. I found something else. Well I really didn't understand this part.

Quote:
“The mark that you have on your hand is the mark of the sword. You`ve never asked yourself what “Avargorn” means? Means “Death”. So if you die … You are dead… anyway if you die every single human being on earth will die.”


Okay I don't understand this exchage... Left me with a lot of questions.

Quote:
“ So the demon fouled me?”

“ Yes. I need to send you back… I`m sorry , my brother!”

Something dashed Ilith to the ground and screamed when an agonizing pain cut trough his head like a heated blade.


so his brother killed him a second time?

Please continue with this book. I really like it.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 12:32 pm    Post subject: reply Reply with quote

Avargorn is the name of the sword . The sword gave him a mark... Ilith ends up in a strange room being ... dead... but his brother resurrects him by sending him back alive.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 1:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay I get it know thanks for clearing that up for me. Ohhhh....I get it now
*lightbulb clicks on*
You have to excuse me. Sometimes I am forgetting what I read, and have a hard time remembering them. You're a really talented writer and I hope to see more of the story. PM me when you get more up. I really like this book. Anyways Good luck with your writing!

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 2:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oooh, the second chapter. **rubs hands togethor** Right, let me see,

Quote:
He woke up but didn’t open his eyes not daring to leave that pleasant numbness that was left in his body by the not yet finished sleep.

There should be a comma after 'eyes' and this should be 'not-yet-finished sleep'

Quote:
He stretched out, perplexed and yawned pleased.

What do you mean by 'pleased'?

Quote:
He stood there lying on the cold floor asking himself foolish questions for hours.

There should be a comma after 'stood there'

Quote:
Someone started to sing a strange song that was raising more and more overcoming the silence of the room.

'That rised' and there should be a comma after 'more'

Quote:
That woman`s voice, soft and still strong,

'soft but still strong'

[quote]He clinched his fits waiting, watching at the young man that stood tall gazing amused at him.[/quote]
'watching the young man who was standing tall, gazing at him amusingly.

Quote:
Ilith left his arms fall beside his body.

This sounded as if his arms fell off from his body. Make it as "Ilith let his arms fall to his sides"

Quote:
He searched hopeless into his mind and his memories came back.

Okay. His memories won't just burst into his mind. It begins in a process. I really can't explain it.

Quote:
You`ve never asked yourself what “Avargorn” means?

Cut the 'have'

I have a question. Did Nayn kill Ilith? For the second time? Well, I quite lost the feeling of 'the lord of the rings' because your story went in a different way. I love it.

Good luck. Wink

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 2:34 pm    Post subject: Reply Reply with quote

Actually Nayn "killed" him by giving his live back and sending his soul (did i mention that they were just souls talking in the room) back to earth. It was rather like being unconscious and out of his body.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 3:46 pm    Post subject: Review Reply with quote

Again that feeling that you know what are you doing and you have the whole book already formed in your mind. You`ve finished the book? If yes when will it come out?
"Breathe!" who says that? trap question Smile
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 3:54 pm    Post subject: yea Reply with quote

Yes i`ve finished the book and now i`ll just rewrite it to improve it and so. The following year maybe...
And the trap question... You got me there... hmm... A strange voice that tells him to wake up. I don't know..maybe Nayn. ... It suppose to be there just to "add a question to your list" -.-`

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 4:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh so you've already finished this book...
*Mumbles* I'll finish mine one day...
So envious, how long is it going to be? Are you going to post it all? Yeah, I know I'm gull of questions, I just really like it...

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 4:47 pm    Post subject: Reply Reply with quote

Well Kaylyn atm its around 400 pages (writen in Word).

And i don't think i`ll be able to post it all on the forum cause as i said before i`m not the best english speaker.

I hope you`ll finish yours and publish it at a point.

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