Topic ID: 3563
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Chevy
science, again.
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 Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 2:23 am Post subject: If No One |
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Verse 1
In the heart of the city
Where the music plays
Down in an alley
Just off the highway
Lives a different part of life
No real reason to care
Because everything is dead
And No One live there
Chorus
But what if No One was a Someone
Who had something in mind
To make a difference in the lives
In those left behind.
But if he's No One and what Someone
Cares nothing about
Then this world full of No Ones
Will do forever without.
Verse 2
Sixteen years old
Somehow already grown
There's a baby in her arms
She had a child of her own.
Now considered a No One
She made a mistake
So we shake our heads
And turn away.
Chorus
But what if No One was a Someone
Who had something in mind
To make a difference in the lives
In those left behind.
But if she's No One and what Someone
Cares nothing about
Then this world full of No Ones
Will do forever without. |
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Rei
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| Posted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 3:24 pm Post subject: |
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| This is fantastic! The rhyming was worked in so smoothly that I hardly noticed, and you expressed your theme wonderfully, without being obvious. |
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MaitrePrinceRebel
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| Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 7:43 pm Post subject: |
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I thought that was very good,I like the first verse..it worked really well to set the scene..the lyrics and rhyming work well..it flows wonderfully and you should be extremely proud of yourself hun, I really like it!
Bella xx |
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Turnstiles
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| Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 6:19 pm Post subject: Re: If No One |
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Verse 1
In the heart of the city
Where the music plays
Down in an alley
Just off the highway
Lives a different part of life
No real reason to care
Because everything is dead
And No One live there
Very good first opener. Rhyming and rhythm were outstanding. Really well written.
Chorus
But what if No One was a Someone
Who had something in mind
To make a difference in the lives
In those left behind.
Again, good rhythm and good rhyming. I like the way you're treating No One as a character.
But if he's No One and what Someone
Cares nothing about
Then this world full of No Ones
Will do forever without.
This part sounds kind of awkward, especially the first line.
Verse 2
Sixteen years old
Somehow already grown
There's a baby in her arms
She had a child of her own.
Now considered a No One
She made a mistake
So we shake our heads
And turn away.
REALLY good! We turn our backs and ignore those who need our help the most. Not only is she considered a No One, but so is the child. You've gone from using No One as sort of a general character to giving a specific example, and it worked very well. Good job.
Chorus
This is excellent work. You managed to keep great rhythm and a great rhyme scheme, yet at no point did it seem forced. The only thing I'd change is the second part of the chorus, just to make the rhythm work better. Aside from that, this is perfect. Great work! |
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Harley
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| Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 3:50 pm Post subject: |
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| As usual, very nice. The first verse sets the scene, the second continues it and ends it well. The chorus is deep and meaningful, and the rhymes are subtle yet brilliant. I agree with turnstile though; the first line of the second part of the chorus is a little clunky. Overall: bravo. |
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