Topic ID: 35625
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*singerofthenight*
just stole your pickle! Wha hahaha *runs off*
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 Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 4:51 pm Post subject: Cloud Dreams |
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Many days go by,
Flying it seems,
To touch the sky.
I’m living for today,
Waiting for tomorrow and
Remembering the yesteryears gone by.
Dreams flow around me,
Leaving me floating in the clouds.
Light seems to surround me as I orbit the sun.
Heat radiates off the sun,
Burning the one I love.
Love passes by,
Passes by and whispers my name.
As I lie,
Clouds surround me.
As I dream,
I lie there in the clouds
It seems,
Many days go by,
Flying it seems to touch the sky.
I’m living for today,
Waiting for tomorrow and
Remembering the yesteryears gone by. |
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Lifewas radical rightafterImetthe monster. Later,life becameharder,complicated. Ultamitely,aliving hell. Like swimmingagainst a riptide,walking thewrongdirection inthefastlaneofafreeway,wakingfrom tehsweetestdreamstofindyourselfinthemiddleofa nightmare. |
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*singerofthenight*
just stole your pickle! Wha hahaha *runs off*
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 1:53 pm Post subject: |
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What! No critiques? Oh well, if you read this at least try and leave a comment.
I'm sending this off for a competition. |
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Lifewas radical rightafterImetthe monster. Later,life becameharder,complicated. Ultamitely,aliving hell. Like swimmingagainst a riptide,walking thewrongdirection inthefastlaneofafreeway,wakingfrom tehsweetestdreamstofindyourselfinthemiddleofa nightmare. |
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MissAngle
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 7:11 pm Post subject: |
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Many days go by,
Flying it seems,
To touch the sky.
I’m living for today,
Waiting for tomorrow and
Remembering the yesteryears gone by.
Dreams flow around me,
Leaving me floating in the clouds.
Light seems to surround me as I orbit the sun.
Heat radiates off the sun,
Burning the one I love.
Love passes by,
Passes by and whispers my name.
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I think these lines are very good  |
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bisquit
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 7:18 pm Post subject: |
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i read this and instantly thought wow. the way you have written it is so amazing and u have paid a lot of attention to detail. i love your rhyming becuase it isnt forced but helps the piece to flow.
I love how you make links near the end. this is very clever indeed.
i especially love the line...Leaving me floating in the clouds.
Light seems to surround me as I orbit the sun.
very good indeed.
you have obviously thought this out extremely carefully. you should definately get a good result in that competition
you could maybe have a semi colon after the bit where it says...
' Light seems to surround me as I orbit the sun.
Heat radiates off the sun,' if you put it after the word 'sun' perhaps?
otherwise i adore it. great work! |
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Moe:)
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 3:19 pm Post subject: POEM |
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What kind of competiton?  |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 12:26 am Post subject: |
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This was good! 
I thought the flow was really nice and you seemed to have many things going for you.
The only thing that kind of made it choppy was these lines:
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Leaving me floating in the clouds.
Light seems to surround me as I orbit the sun.
Heat radiates off the sun,
Burning the one I love.
Love passes by,
Passes by and whispers my name. |
something about these just caught me off guard. It made me pause. If you just read through it again a couple times, you'll see what I mean.
Otherwise, I thought it was good  |
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DreamyMoon
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 7:07 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah i really like this poem
mainly because it has the word dream in
Cos at the end of the day i think poetry is all about dreaming, its putting down in versus and lyrics and rhymes what othgers can only dream to do, aspiring to dreams in words. and i really think u have captured this in the poem
I lie there in the clouds
I like this line especially cos i think it totally puts a great view in the readers head, its quite metaphorical really
xxx |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:07 pm Post subject: |
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| Really good, I liked it Jenny. It had a nice flow. You seem very talented at poetry, unlike me. Keep up the good work and keep writing. |
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Teddybear22
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| Posted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:56 pm Post subject: |
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| This was good, but it almost seemed as if you were repeating yourself the whole time. I liked it and everything, but this isn't my favorite that you wrote. You have talent and I'm not denying that, but I'm saying that you need to live up to your full potential. Hope that helps if you need any help. As always, keep writing! |
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