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Fellow
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 Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 11:17 am Post subject: Death of a hero |
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Here it is ... Enjoy! Every single comment is welcome!
He was dying… He was crushed and Ashea’s voice was calling him in vain. A thread of blood was streaming down his half-opened mouth and then onto his cheek. The dreadful pain stopped and he heard nothing but the whistling of his breath that no longer belonged to him. He was dying and embraced his death like a long lost friend.
His thoughts jumbled in his mind, like an ocean that had started its surge in order to defy any other hope of life. A painful tiredness imbued him like smoke, darkening his mind. He resisted that sleep with all his mind and soul that he possessed. Something told him that he needed to be dead long ago but this was not finished yet. And the sleep vanished and his eyes cleared again. The light of his sword, Moonbeam, fell upon his left cheek white as the snow. Oh, how much he wanted to look around again, but his muscles didn't listen to him any more. He was so tired that even the action of breathing was hard to fulfill.
With an inhumane effort, he whispered:
- We … won!
- Yes… We won! Ashea’s answer came as well, whispered, and his fiery pride rushed into his soul.
- Avargorn… Elesr…
- The sword is broken in pieces and Elesr has returned from where he came from. Now sleep my brother… Rest your body and mind in the hands of the Gods.
He touched Ashea`s face and then he closed his eyes smiling triumphantly. A smile that no one could defeat, not even death. Ashea laid her head on his chest and started to cry washing his armour with her tears. The Mertons` songs shattered once again the peaceful silence, but now they were not singing battle cries. They were singing about the death of a Guardian, about the shattered sword Avargorn, about a legendary deed. The song was so strong that it seem like the ruined city could rise again in its glory. Elevard thought that Ilith will get up again and hold Avargorn into his hands, speak, ride again strong like a leader, like a king, like an ancient Guardian of Ayura.
- Blood has washed this earth but with what sacrifice?, said Elevard looking at the dead hero.
Zyraen draw his sword and kneeled near the head of Ilith and took off his helmet that had so many scratches and holes on it that it actually did not give any protection any more.
- Zyraen, Erina, Ashea! Come on lads! We still have a war to stop, spoke the wizard.
Then turned at his fenoreh and whispered a command. He raised the body of Ilith with a spell and put it on the back of his fenoreh that roared with bestial vigour as he ran trough the soldiers of Urfen that stopped their swords and their fury when Ilith fought Elesr. |
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Last edited by Fellow on Sun Sep 07, 2008 8:19 am; edited 3 times in total |
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Chirantha
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 12:36 pm Post subject: |
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Somehow, this reminds me of "The lord of the rings" Well done, this certainly is great.
But I want to point out that when writing a dialogue, you should put inverted commas to it. Or it would be confusing. Like this.
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| - Zyraen, Erina, Ashea! Come on lads! We still have a war to stop, spoke the wizard turning at his fenoreh talking with him. |
In this, I, at first, didn't understand where the end of the dialogue or the beginning of the description was.
Some times I didn't even know what was the dialogue or what was the description.
I didn't find any other mistake but your names were confusing. XD. Well, it was a great story, but shouldn't it be in the historical section?
So, I should say, fix that dialogue mistake.
Good luck.  |
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Lord Anzius
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 12:57 pm Post subject: |
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Not in the historical section (it is a world of fancy  )
The story is good, but what the person above said is correct. Do not write the dialogue and description together... NEVER!
SRY if I seem harsh but that is the truth, the story is good anywayz.
I would like to read more of it.
Pm me when you get the next part ready  |
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Firestalker
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 1:48 pm Post subject: |
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His thoughts jumbled in his mind, like an ocean that had started his it surge in order to defy any other hope of life. |
Okay here we normally use 'it' to describe a ocean.
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A painful tiredness imbued him like a smoke, darkening his mind. |
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| He was so tired that even the action of breathing was hard to fulfill. |
Yes, i agree with Chirantha most of the names here are similar to LOTR. Also it would be much easier if you used " quotation marks.
And i suppose i don't need to explain about the descriptions and dialog being together so....
Good luck and try changing the names a little more. |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 12:17 pm Post subject: |
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| Very descriptive. Is this one the first part of the book? I really liked it, everyone has already pointed out your mistakes. But I have to say USE QUOTATION MARKS!!! It bothers me soo much when people don't use them. Anyways... good luck writing. |
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Fellow
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 12:28 pm Post subject: oups! |
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| Ok sorry... Don't cut off my head. I don't wanna die young ... Btw This is actually the very end of the book. I`m not from any country that speaks english so thats my second language and i`m not that great translating from romanian to english. |
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BreakingSun
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 3:44 pm Post subject: review |
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Amazingly done. Even thou its the end of your book i hope you will entertain us with, maybe, the first chapters of it.You are a tallented writer no douth about it. I see you got some reviews already so its rather useless to say the same things again.
Good luck! |
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Fellow
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 3:51 pm Post subject: reply |
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| Don't worry... i will as soon as i get them translated |
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Searria H.
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 8:48 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry that this took so long, but I've been really busy.
Wow. Good story. You're the first writer I've ever met that starts with the ends. I always jump around, but everyone has there own approach. For Engilish being your second language, your use of words is very impressive.
As people have already pointed out, you need to identify your dialogue with quotations, and not with hyphens.
I just have a few little nitpicks.
| Quote: |
| He was dying… He was crushed and Ashea’s voice was calling him in vain. |
I'm not sure that the elipses here is gramatically correct, but I like the effect it give. I think you could keep it, but perhaps you shouldn't capitalize the second "he."
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| A thread of blood was streaming down his half-opened mouth and then on his cheek. |
"...and then onto his cheek."
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| The dreadful pain stopped now and he heard nothing else but the whistling of his breath that no longer belonged to him. |
You don't need the "now" or the "else" May I just say that I love the second part of the sentence about the whistling breath. Beautiful.
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| He was dying and he embraced his death like a long lost friend. |
Also a very beautiful sentence, but you don't need the second "he."
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| His thoughts jumbled in his mind, like an ocean that had started it surge in order to defy any other hope of life. |
I have to disagree with Firestalker on this sentence. I like the way you personified the ocean by making it a he. Somehow, It gave a stronger sense of power. But if you want to use "it" it should be "its." You have creative liscense on this.
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| Moonbeam, fell upon his left check white |
I think you mean "cheek"
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| wanted to look around again, but his muscles didn’t listen to him no more. |
Never use double negatives. There are two ways you can fix this. "...his muscles didn't listen to him [b]any more." or "...his muscles listened to him no more." Personally, I prefer the second, but either way is fine.
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| With an inhumane effort in a whisper he said: |
You could just say, "With an inhumane effort, he whispered:"
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| Yes… We won! Ashea’s answer came as well, whispered, and his fiery pride rushed into his soul. |
I love how you give us little hints about his character with "firey pride"
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| Ashea laid her head on his chest and started to cry, washing his armour with her tears |
I love this sentence!!!
I was a little confused with all of the names in the last few paragraphs, but that's just because it's the end of the book.
Your use of the English language is so poetic and beautiful, and that is one of the highest compliments I can give you. It's amazing, especially because it's your second language.
Exquisite story!
-Sea- |
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Thorns-and-Roses
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| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 7:22 am Post subject: Re: Death of a hero |
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| Fellow wrote: |
He was dying and he embraced his death like a long lost friend.
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That one sentence really hit me. Death isn't usually something people embrace, usually something that people shy away from. And having it turned around and having someone simply brushing against death like a friend was powerful...to me at least. |
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Fellow
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| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 8:22 am Post subject: |
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| First of all Cheers Sierra for review! Second to clear your mind Thorns - The sentence is rather a metaphorical one if you get the point. He wasn't screaming "I DON'T WANNA DIE YOUNG!! SAVE MEEEE!!!" -.- like other people do... He just waited to die. That's what i mean when "embraced his death like a long lost friend." |
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Squall
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 1:43 pm Post subject: |
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Hello Fellow.
| Quote: |
| He was crushed and Ashea’s voice was calling him in vain. A thread of blood was streaming down his half-opened mouth and then onto his cheek. The dreadful pain stopped and he heard nothing but the whistling of his breath that no longer belonged to him. He was dying and embraced his death like a long lost friend. |
I think you need to consider your word choices more. Words like "crushed" and "dreadful" go against with the idea embracing death like a long lost friend as they are more associated with destruction, something a friendship isn't.
| Quote: |
| His thoughts jumbled in his mind, like an ocean that had started its surge in order to defy any other hope of life. |
The verb "jumbled" doesn't really create a picture of the ocean that well. Oceans are composed of liquid whereas "jumbled" is better used for solid substances.
Overall impressions:
After reading this, I thought to myself: "It doesn't seem they care much about a death of a hero, a person that is well known because they have defied all odds in assisting the society in which he/she lives in. Because the story cuts so suddenly into the future, it leaves a big hole in the piece. That hole needs to be filled in to allow the reader to reflect on the sacrifices that he made or else it he will not be convincing as a hero.
You also need to be more aware of your word choices. They do not flow well and as a result, it doesn't help to create effects, leaving the piece feel sterile in some places.
Lastly, you need to characterize your characters more. You only mentioned their names, but there was nothing for me to assist me in understanding the characters more.
Reflect on this critique and it will help improve the narrative of your fantasy.
Andy. |
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ridersofdamar
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 1:17 am Post subject: |
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| it was pretty good, a couple of things were wierd to me. You were using alot of similes in the beginning and it didnt flow very well. but that might just be me. There were also a couple of places where i thought you should have added commas. The lines where people were saying things was wierd to. It may be because the main character is almost dead and he is barely recognizing it as a person speaking bu i dont know. Next time use quotation marks and then if that is the case find a way to say that that is happening. Overall i thought it was good, and if i get the chance i'll look at your other works. |
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Esmé
consider rephrasing
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 9:34 am Post subject: |
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Fellow,
Hello! How are you? I hope that well^^ Anyway, you’re critique - here it goes.
Quote:
The dreadful pain stopped and he heard nothing but the whistling of his breath that no longer belonged to him.
I don’t like the sentence. It doesn’t, no anymore, belong to him? But he’s still alive?
Quote:
Oh, how much he wanted to look around again, but his muscles didn't listen to him any more.
I was expecting something - hmm, I don’t know. Perhaps not melodramatic, but close to being so. And he wants to look around again.
Quote:
With an inhumane effort, he whispered:
Though “inhumane” did strike me as melodramatic, and that I did not like in this particular case.
Quote:
- Yes… We won! Ashea’s answer came as well, whispered, and his fiery pride rushed into his soul.
You’re using dashes instead of quotes. Fine, but then you still have to have a closing dash, no?
Quote:
A smile that no one could defeat, not even death.
I’m partial to not let that sentence float about.
Quote:
Ashea laid her head on his chest and started to cry washing his armour with her tears.
Comma. Armour - armor?
Quote:
- Blood has washed this earth but with what sacrifice?, said Elevard looking at the dead hero.
Dialogue punctuation.
Quote:
Zyraen draw his sword and kneeled near the head of Ilith and took off his helmet that had so many scratches and holes on it that it actually did not give any protection any more.
Draw - drew. Consider rephrasing the sentence? As to change the sentence structure.
Quote:
- Zyraen, Erina, Ashea! Come on lads! We still have a war to stop, spoke the wizard.
Dialogue punctuation. Where did this come from, anyway? O.o
Quote:
Then turned at his fenoreh and whispered a command.
Something s missing here, no?
Quote:
He raised the body of Ilith with a spell and put it on the back of his fenoreh that roared with bestial vigour as he ran trough the soldiers of Urfen that stopped their swords and their fury when Ilith fought Elesr.
Woah. Consider rephrasing - consider splitting this up. I got lost.
***
That’s the end of the line-by-line review.
-> Quotes/dashes. For dialogue related stuff, English commonly uses quotes. I don’t know what to do with dashes, but with quotes:
“I like cats,” said Alice. / “I like cats…” said Alice. / “I like cats.” She turned around to look at XYZ.
“Do I like cats?” asked Alice. / “I like cats!” shouted Alice.
-> You started with the ending? Pretty good idea. I’ll try it out, too! *is shameless.
This was a pretty short piece - or, posting, since I see there are two more parts. But, as such, I don’t really have much to say, other than what I just did. And yes, I do get not to make sense, while you as the writer always have to. Ha.
Anyway, generally, I liked it. I think I did, yes. But even if I did like it, I didn’t feel much sympathy for the dying person. I just didn’t. Maybe it has something to do with not knowing what happened prior to this scene, and because this is an ending (and we don’t know anything that came before), but I didn’t. Flesh out that character a bit more?
PM me with an edited version, if you want?
Cheers, and keep writing,
Esme |
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sylverdawn
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| Posted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 7:29 am Post subject: |
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Well done. It's slightly confusing, but in an interesting way. You made did his death very well, if a bit cliched. The hero always dies with a smile on his lips. It would be nice if you gave a little background information. Maybe start from right before Ilith receives the fatal wound.
Some of the lines are slightly awkward they don't fit the flow of the story. For example.
| Quote: |
| Something told him that he needed to be dead long ago but this was not finished yet. And the sleep vanished and his eyes cleared again. |
Would be better if it was phrased differently rather then "needed to be dead" use "should have died" or something like that. You should also combine the two sentences, it would flow a lot easier like that. This way just seems choppy.
All in all though it's a good solid start. It seems very interesting, your deviating from the common fantasy plot, most heroes don't end up dead. I like how everyone is shell shocked, the disbelief that Ilith actually died was a very nice touch.
Keep it up, and PM if you post the next part. |
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