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The Masquerade- Pt. 1
The Masquerade- Pt. 1
by Conrad Rice in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on September 4, 2008
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•Short Story I Wrote For English

REALLY Short Story- Soldier

Topic ID: 35608
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FinalFreedom   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 12:51 am    Post subject: REALLY Short Story- Soldier Reply with quote

Well, I had to write a 75-word short story for English, so I thought I'd post it here to see what ya'll think about it Smile

"God rest his weary soul." A dark phantasmal figure stood atop the flag-draped casket, surrounded by a crowd of people. In the front row stood his wife and child, the only two he wished he could touch. A chill rattled his spine, a skinless hand rested itself on his shoulder. He turned to find a cloaked skeleton, surrounded by dark energy. The skeleton glanced at a framed picture.

"Come, Soldier. Follow me to the abyss."

Also, if you think another title would better suit this piece, please tell me! I'm not one for titles Shocked

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Tlahti   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 7:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
As you said yourself, this is REALLY short, but I kinda like the idea of writing such short stories (it adds a challenge). As there isn't much text, I don't have much to say.

Considering the limited number of words allowed, I think you did a nice job describing the situation, though I must say that the description of the Grim Reaper/Death figure was a bit boring, compared to the rest. You didn't make him unique in any way. We can all of course recognize him because of this description, but even if you chose to make him/it different, I think we would get the idea.

About the title. I'm not good at titles myself, and I usually just use a single word (just as you have done). However, instead of "Soldier" you could choose a word that describes the mood or the soldier's feelings. You could also use some sort of metaphor to describe in very few words what the story is about (though I have no concrete examples).

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Fellow   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 10:10 am    Post subject: Review Reply with quote
Well it`s not very much to say. The idea is good but many would prefer to make it bigger o.O . Speak about how he got in that situation. Why was he dying? Say something about the growing happiness when he sees his long lost family, about how his wife looked, about how his kid was waving and smiling at him. That dark bloke : You haven't convinced me with that... From what you say he could be a demon or something... More words for that.

And you asked for a title - "Nihil" - means "Nothing" in latin... The soldier follows Death to the abyss, to nothing... maybe its a stupid idea but at least i tried Razz

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This thread was created on September 4, 2008

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